Tease me tease me tease me baby. Oh, that was too much, you’ve spoilt it.
Anyway, when I’m not teasing or being teased, channelling universal energy in the form of argos catelogues or writing in the dirt on the back of vans ‘dirt=hurt’, I oft find myself thinking about computer games.
Now, some of you might have seen one of my regular contributors to the blog is Sir Clive ‘Funky’ Sinclair (his slogan is ‘say YES to PolYESter’) and I have fond childhood memories of zx spectrums. This led to me and Sir Clive devleoping a new wave of zx speccy games that are more pertinent to today’s socio-cultural climate. Ecce (look-non latin speakers) at the extensive selection available to own for only £4656585.99 in 79.999999 irregular installments.
- Horace Goes Weeing: The latest zx spectrum game about urine dilemmas. Horace is Drunk in Skelmersdale and all the pubs have now shut. Can you help him find somewhere to relieve his bladder and avoid capture by the ‘Bizzies’ (the Police)?
- Horace goes Keying. the latest zx spectrum game about anti social behaviour towards vehicles. Can you help Horace evade an ASBO?
- Horace Goes E-ing: Horace starts university and finds it hard to fit in. He starts to take drugs in order to endear himself to the ‘cool’ crowd and go to super clubs like Cream and Ministry of Sound and the Roxy in Sheffield. Can you help him score some genuine pills? Help him steal £6 bottles of water and try to stop him throwing his sweaty body onto strangers, proclaiming “man, this is just, like, totally amazing. I can tell we’re like, gonna be friends for ever. I feel so much love for you”. Help him beat end of level bosses such as the crap dealer, the night club bouncers, and the club dj (make him play Josh Wink-Higher state of consciousness) and the university halls of residence cleaning ladies.
- Horace Goes Me-ing: Horace starts to develop an inflated sense of self as one of his mates was in Hollyoaks once or something. Stop Horace developing narcissistic personality disorder by dodging mirrors, attending psychiatry appointments and stopping him from talking about himelf.
- Horace goes Being: Horace contemplates is own existance. Help Horace with his existential dread by collecting and chain smoking Marlboro Reds and standing in slanty doorways, wearing a black polo neck.
- Horace goes kneeing: Horace has low self esteem and joins a taekwondo club. He proves his worth as a man by kicking women and children at his dojang.
I hope you enjoy these excellent, contemporary games.