My reply to Walter Dorman


I can’t tell you how worried I’ve been about you. The last time I heard from you, you had send me a photograph of your likeness which did enchant and delight mine eye. Forgive me, dear Walter, but I did share this photograph with my esteemed colleagues at the abbatoir who snatched and grabbed at it, as if you were a piece of meat, or a sturdy carrot or a chunky Staffordshire bull terrier. Sure, I could understand the feelings your photograph would incite in these harridans-what woman would not be sensible of how handsome you are, however I have to own that jealousy stirred deep within me, deep deep within me, so deep, I dare to venture that I felt my very own bowel stir with longing and territoriality. Mine is a jealous bowel, as diagnosed by my consultant bum docto, Mr.Delbert Wilkins.

Moreover, the opinion of the lustful wenches at the abbatoir was to let you make me financially rich, and at some point, we might be together. Do you think you could accept my culture, dear WALTER? To tempt you, I must make you sensible of the high life we live here in East Skemmerlandia. I myself, are envied by the masses as I own a sunbed and a breville pie magic…o WALTER, we could have pies on DEMAND! Any flavour your heart desires! WE could even put diamond in them. I understand that this is probably what you’d like to eat given you come from Diamond Rich Ford Sierra. They make be a bit crunchy, WALTER, but I’m willing to try it because your CULTURE is important to me. Perhaps soom we could be eating our diamond pies, on the Ford Sierra riveria for our holidays. I bet it’s so glamorous, sipping a cool panda pops shandy by the poolside, surrounded by eggs and acrylic nails.

Because of the burning rage incited in me from the jealousy of my colleagues, I went out into the street and howled at the sun-god, Delbert. I screamed “why doest thou mock me?”. He didn’t answer, the worthless deity. Do you worship Delbert in Sierra Cosworth? I hope so, even though he’s a bit shit? If not, it could cause proper cultural differences that I hope we could overcome, by say, a playfight or by stripping off. It’s the only way we resolve such issues here.

O, LITTLE WALTER, can I forward your e-mail to all the people in my e-mail address book and they could rally together and sort you out? See, I myself have no bank account to speak of. My catalogue bills are so substantial that I have ‘bad’ credit. Well, they call it ‘bad credit’ but how can debts amassed to purchase a playboy duvet cover be bad in anyway? It’s sexy credit at least. Maybe it means ‘bad’ in naughty way? Do you know what I mean there, WALTER? I’m insinuating I’m a bit raunchy here. You refer to me as your ‘good friend’. Is that all you see me as, a ‘friend’? Say it isn’t so! In England ‘good friends’ means something really exciting, I’ll let you imagine, with your mind, where the imagination operates largely, as well as secondary imagination, which operates in the nodes of ranvier.

O please reply soon, dear one. I fear my heart cannot last much longer without being sensible of how you are faring. Like shoe fayre.
Yours, truly

A x

The return of Walter Dorman!

You may remember a little while back, of my exciting financial developments with the humbly titled “little” Walter Dorman.

And it’s been a fair old while since I’ve heard from the most unfortunate man in ‘Diamond Rich Sierra Leone’, but hurrah! He’s written back to me, and here’s what the fucker said!

  • Please accept this little compensation from Master Walter Dorman.‏

  • Hello my good friend,
    how are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope this mail meets you in a perfect condition. If you can remember me, I am Master Walter Dorman the little boy of 21years that seek for your hand in assisting me to transfer a huge amount into your account that is worth 6, 200.000.00USD, (six million and two hundred thousand us dollars) that belongs to my late parent, which i am the beneficiary of this fund. 

    I am using this opportunity to inform you that the transaction has been concluded with another person who financed it to a logical conclusion. As you now know that i have travelled with the new partner that assisted me, he came down to my country and finalizes the transaction and i had to move with him to his country.

    I left an order with the bank’s Attorney after the transfer of the fund to the new person who financed this transaction to the full that he should make sure that he compensate you with the sum of $600,000.00us dollars, (six hundred thousand us dollars) thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of this fund into your account due to one reason or the other. But I want to inform you that we have successfully transferred the fund out of my bank to my new partner’s account in Paraguay that was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

    Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness which you showed during the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and also show my gratitude to you with the sum of $600,000.00. I have left an international certified bank cheque draft for you worth the sum of  $600,000.00 cashable anywhere in the world.

    Presently I am not in Burkina Faso but I have given an instruction to the bank attorney who is presently in Burkina Faso to hand over the certified draft cheque to you immediately you contact him.

    My dear friend I will like you to contact the bank attorney Barr John Buki for the collection of this international certified bank cheque draft I have authorized to release the international certified bank cheque draft to you as soon as you contact him regarding this issue.
    At the moment, I’m very busy here in Paraguay with my new partner who financed the transfer to the end, because of the projects which i had in my mind and to utilize the fund and go back to school and open a good company and still help the charity with the fund including who ever that assisted and now I am on the process in Paraguay. Please I will like you to accept this draft cheque with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart. Also comply with the bank attorney Barr John Buki, so that he will send the international certified bank cheque draft to you without any delay.
    CONTACT:Barr John Buki.

    PHONE NUMBER—-00226-76 64 23 06.

    Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone and address where you want him to send the international certified bank cheque draft to you.
    Note: that for now I will not be online until further notice because of the project at hand, so I wish you good luck as you collect your draft cheque from the bank attorney.
    Yours son, brother,

    Master Walter Dorman

My reply to follow soon!

Walter Dorman writes back!


Greetings of peace I bring to you in the name of God beloved uncle.

As I sincerely pray that this message finds you well and in good
faith. I want to  thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind
interest and  willingness to assist in securing my future and the
only Fortune left behind by my late father of the blessed memory
(RIP), I pray that God  will  give you the grace  and enablement’s  to
 assist  me  in good faith  without any fear or prejudice, while I  am
on my end strongly  promising you that  you will not  regret whatever
form  of  help  or  assistance  you  are going  to  give to me  in
getting  this  fund transferred  into your bank account  in your
country  or elsewhere  you  may  have a reliable  bank account that
can  contain the  funds  and  also  consider the   economic durability
 of  your  country  for  future  investment  of the  fund into  a
lucrative  venture.

However, I will like you to first  have in  mind  that  my  contacting
you to assist  me  get  this fund transferred into your account is not
for a child’s play neither for jokes, I am more than desperate to have
this fund transferred out of here so that it will enable me further my
 studies in the University and to get out of this suffering and pains
am going through, so kindly take me serious  and  try to build  a
mutual relationship with  me  and have  a mutual understanding. I want
you to know also that we have to be in steady communications through
Email, and non steady phone to speak with you, till the fund is
successfully transferred into your account because of my safety do not
know what might be required of you to get this fund transferred but am
assuring you that whatever commitment you will involve in the cause of
having this fund transferred into your account successfully will be
greatly rewarded to  you.

Please, I want you to know that I have gone through so much pain in my
tender age and am still in pains. I want you to assure me that you
will take me as your son, you will not betray or treat me bad in any

I have explain myself very well to you, I kindly need your
understanding and forward to me your full details to  enable  me
place  an  official  and  formal submission  and application  to  the
bank presenting  your details such as, YOUR FULL NAMES,YOUR RECENT
PASSPORT OR IDENTITY, these are  the vital information’s  I need  from
 you  which  I  will attach to  my  letter  of  attestation and
application to  the bank to  identify  you  as  my  late  father’s
foreign partner and  the  co-beneficiary  to  the fund which falls in
line  with the agreement  of deposit my  late  father signed  with
the  bank  which  I  am  having a copy  of the deposit slip and the agreement letter with
 me and i shall send it to you in my next mail when i hear from you.

I will  not fail  to  let  you know  that I am confiding  so much in
you irrespective of the fact  that  we have never met each  other
before  nor known  each other very well, and you may be wondering why
I suddenly chose or contacted you, not knowing you and  more  things
about you, Yes the truth is  that  i have no  doubt in GOD, I prayed
and  fasted and  asked  God to provide  for me one  who will  have
affection for me  and help  me  with a sincere mind, do  not  have
any biased  mind  or prejudice  in your mind to  help  me  as  I  Vow
with  my  life  to  pay you  back  abundantly  once  this  fund  gets
transferred  into  your account  and  thereafter  my coming  over  to
meet with  you in your country, my passport which I have attached in
this mail is for you to know the person you are about to help in his

In case  you don’t  mind,  please  tell  me more  about  you, your
age, religion, and pictures, Don’t feel embarrassed
with my too many questions  and  please I didn’t  mean  to  stress
you this much. I will appreciate your very urgent response  to  me
with  the  full  details  as  I  have  requested above, when I hear
your positive response, I will give you the deposit documents, the
agrrement letter and the bank contact for you to contact the bank for
the transfer of the fund to your account. I will like you to promise
me that you will not betray me immediately is transfer to your

Thank you and best regards

Yours sincerely,

Little Walter Dorman.


It aggrieves me terribly that you think me capable of childish games or horse play. My intention was only to lighten your mood and bring a smile to your face. Ah at last, I am sensible of your haunting visage. You remind me of a young Dale Winton or Kris Akabusi. Awooga! You must have cut quite a dash in Ford Sierra.
I am heartily glad for your well wishes. I am pleased that we might come to some mutual understanding. My boiler is very old and I would like some decking over the flags in the back garden. I have significant Kays Catelogue bills and I fear that any day that the Bailiffs may relieve me of my Sega Mega Drive and Breville Pie Magic. Oh, can you help me with this, Dear WALTER? Or will you drop me like a hot shit, like Victor Obogu. He assured me he was a Nigerian Prince and promised to rest some funds in my account. When he found out about my catelogue bills, he no longer wanted to continue with our mutually benefiical arrangement. You wouldn’t do that to me would you, dear WALTER?
I need a sign of your good will, so I know you won’t abuse me like Victor. Please give me the following details:
Your age
Your waist measurement
your first album
Shanks or Bigfoot
Your religion
Your bank account number
Your sort code.
I attach a photo, I hope to delight your eye and show you that you can trust me with your details and I only hold minor convictions in my country of East Skemmerlandia. 


I spent ages doing myself up.