06 December 2005
Ah, Shed fans!
It’s that time of year where I once again build a shanty town in my back garden and fill it full of children making the transition to high school and I write my list for father Xmas to bring me trinkets and baubles and assorted bling.
This year I have decided to share my Xmas list with you. You porcine featured lucky lot! I have decided, altruistically to do this as you may be stuck for ideas of what to buy your fat mam or your sister Sharon who lives on the rough estate. I know you’ve never really “gorron” with her, but she’s family eh? Blood’s thicker than water and other hackneyed lines they continually trot out in Eastenders relating to the seething silty pool that is genetic heritage.
Anyway, here it is, in all is round fullness:
- A staffordshire bull terrier called ‘Roy’
- nodes of ranvier
- a set of strings and pulleys to allow my blood to be pumped only to my nodes of ranvier, thus causing a drought to all the new towns, as far afield as Skelmersdale!
- the introduction of a system which requires everyone in the New Towns of the UK to acquire a license before spawning.
- an attack of ‘the vapours’
- a hot consumptive cheek
- the Andy Crane commemorative urethral love egg n’ perfume combo coffret
- shower pepper
- a talking snake that bites people who tell me about their dreams.
- a year’s subscription to either ‘the british journal of when men get hit in the bollocks’ or ‘the international journal of when a man’s kilt flies up and he’s got nowt on underneath (illustrated)’
- a minature version of the industrial revolution, featuring emmerdale’s Caine Dingle as the leader of the industrial revolution, Jackie Collins.
- night vision goggles so I can watch my fat neighbour shout at her kids!
- the Power of Love
- a ride on that Rollercoaster Ronan Keating keeps fucking singing about.
- an errant lover with an eye for, well, generally seeing out of.
- The mask of Zorro. There’s a lot of light comes through the wonky wooden slats that I’ve boarded up my window with.
what’s on your list?