December 2005 Archives

 

06 December 2005

Dr. Angel’s Christmas wishlist

Ah, Shed fans!
 
It’s that time of year where I once again build a shanty town in my back garden and fill it full of children making the transition to high school and I write my list for father Xmas to bring me trinkets and baubles and assorted bling.
 
This year I have decided to share my Xmas list with you.  You porcine featured lucky lot!  I have decided, altruistically to do this as you may be stuck for ideas of what to buy your fat mam or your sister Sharon who lives on the rough estate.  I know you’ve never really “gorron” with her, but she’s family eh?  Blood’s thicker than water and other hackneyed lines they continually trot out in Eastenders relating to the seething silty pool that is genetic heritage.
 
Anyway, here it is, in all is round fullness:
 
  • A staffordshire bull terrier called ‘Roy’
  • nodes of ranvier
  • a set of strings and pulleys to allow my blood to be pumped only to my nodes of ranvier, thus causing a drought to all the new towns, as far afield as Skelmersdale!
  • the introduction of a system which requires everyone in the New Towns of the UK to acquire a license before spawning.
  • an attack of ‘the vapours’
  • a hot consumptive cheek
  • the Andy Crane commemorative urethral love egg n’ perfume combo coffret
  • shower pepper
  • a talking snake that bites people who tell me about their dreams.
  • a year’s subscription to either ‘the british journal of when men get hit  in the bollocks’ or ‘the international journal of when a man’s kilt flies up and he’s got nowt on underneath (illustrated)’
  • a minature version of the industrial revolution, featuring emmerdale’s Caine Dingle as the leader of the industrial revolution, Jackie Collins.
  • night vision goggles so I can watch my fat neighbour shout at her kids!
  • the Power of Love
  • a ride on that Rollercoaster Ronan Keating keeps fucking singing about.
  • an errant lover with an eye for, well, generally seeing out of.
  • The mask of Zorro.  There’s a lot of light comes through the wonky wooden slats that I’ve boarded up my window with.

what’s on your list?

Dr. Angel’s computer game compendium

Tease me tease me tease me baby. Oh, that was too much, you’ve spoilt it.
 
Anyway, when I’m not teasing or being teased, channelling universal energy in the form of argos catelogues or writing in the dirt on the back of vans ‘dirt=hurt’, I oft find myself thinking about computer games. 
 
Now, some of you might have seen one of my regular contributors to the blog is Sir Clive ‘Funky’ Sinclair (his slogan is ‘say YES to PolYESter’) and I have fond childhood memories of zx spectrums.  This led to me and Sir Clive devleoping a new wave of zx speccy games that are more pertinent to today’s socio-cultural climate.  Ecce (look-non latin speakers) at the extensive selection available to own for only £4656585.99 in 79.999999 irregular installments.
 
  • Horace Goes Weeing: The latest zx spectrum game about urine dilemmas. Horace is Drunk in Skelmersdale and all the pubs have now shut. Can you help him find somewhere to relieve his bladder and avoid capture by the ‘Bizzies’ (the Police)?
  • Horace goes Keying. the latest zx spectrum game about anti social behaviour towards vehicles. Can you help Horace evade an ASBO?
  • Horace Goes E-ing: Horace starts university and finds it hard to fit in.  He starts to take drugs in order to endear himself to the ‘cool’ crowd and go to super clubs like Cream and Ministry of Sound and the Roxy in Sheffield.  Can you help him score some genuine pills? Help him steal £6 bottles of water and try to stop him throwing his sweaty body onto strangers, proclaiming “man, this is just, like, totally amazing.  I can tell we’re like, gonna be friends for ever.  I feel so much love for you”.  Help him beat end of level bosses such as the crap dealer,  the night club bouncers, and the club dj (make him play Josh Wink-Higher state of consciousness) and the university halls of residence cleaning ladies.
  • Horace Goes Me-ing: Horace starts to develop an inflated sense of self as one of his mates was in Hollyoaks once or something. Stop Horace developing narcissistic personality disorder by dodging mirrors, attending psychiatry appointments and stopping him from talking about himelf. 
  • Horace goes Being: Horace contemplates is own existance.  Help Horace with his existential dread by collecting and chain smoking Marlboro Reds and standing in slanty doorways, wearing a black polo neck.
  • Horace goes kneeing: Horace has low self esteem and joins a taekwondo club.  He proves his worth as a man by kicking women and children at his dojang. 

I hope you enjoy these excellent, contemporary games.

A Hazard of Parsnips-Chapter One

 
This novel will take the form of a series of letters betwixt my good pal and fellow whimsical genius, Sherby57 . 
Chapter 1
 
Dear Barrel O’ Parsnips Market Stall holder.

It may come as a surprise to you, yea, it came as quite a surprise to me the true extent of my feelings. Let me set the scene, o sweet barrel-hand. I happened upon you whilst downstairs in the Skem Concourse, it was the smell of your beetroot that first aroused me to the sensibility that you were present. I followed the pungency until I happened upon you proper. There you were, standing o so proud, displaying your wares in what I can only describe as a cavalier manner, with a blatant disregard for my heart.

My heart quickened and a flush came to my countenance as my gaze came to lay on your fungal nail infection. O happy day! Screamed my hormones as my gaze wandered luxuriously to your ‘British bulldog’ Argos chain and your be-sovereigned hands. The stench of stale Stella 20 Rothmans only served to blur the outer limits of my peripheral vision with desire.

O, sweet gent, I turned ‘pon my heel and ran into the cool, sharp fresh air to gain control of my abandon. I placed my hand on my brow, drenched with sweat and Insette hairspray.

All that’s left to say, sir, before I hold my tongue,

‘ows about it luv?

Your enduring servant

Lady World of Sheds