Short Play. Creepy Lover

he: we’ve been dating for 9 weeks now, and I thought by now our relationship would have gone further

She: er, well no.

he: FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME STAY THE NIGHT

She: Er, no. I don’t think I want to see you again. You shouldn’t really shout such things in the middle of Macdonalds.

he: I thought we could BUILD A FUTURE TOGETHER!

She: I think it’s time for me to go home.

Creepy bloke drives woman home. She stands on the doorstep saying goodbye.

She: well, I guess this is bye then.

He: Ok, see you later

He drives off in his stupid audi. He then returns 5 minutes later and starts hammering on the door. 

She: What are you doing?

he: Can I come in for a cuddle?

She: No. See you later. Bye.

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Short Plays: Quirky, Tortured Romance

Another thrilling installment of my short plays. This time, I thoroughly explore the genre of the quirky, tortured romance. I think I may have made up this genre, but you know the sort of film. It would probably have that Cera fello in it or that girl from Juno or the fat one from Superbad (noone can accuse me of not doing my research).

I first explored this genre as part of Milk Bottle Manifesto (learn more about it here http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2010/06/03/mbm-team-extreme-squashy-face/ ) a cause championed by my good friend, and writing partner, Sherby57. I was tentatively experimenting with the genre and hit on something quite profound, I’m sure you’ll agree, unless you’re some kind of mental sub-normal.  On bended knees, Sherby implored me, like a man posessed to develop this life changing dialog, and I was compelled to comply, to at least save Sherby’s mental wellbeing.

So here it is. Tissues at the ready.

_____________

 She: I can’t help but love you even though you have a squashy face!
He: Maybe you love me because I have a squashy face.You won’t realise this until you date a normal faced fellow and find yourself missing my haunting visage.
She: OK, I’ll get back to you after that.
He: OK. See you later
FIN

Short Play: Hard Hitting Harrowing Subject matter, that is topically relevant.

I don’t usually do requests, Shedders, unless it’s to get a round in at the Goitre and Shovel, my local, but today is an exception. A sparkling moment in a sea of shitty bollocks.

“what’s the difference that’s made the difference?” you cry, as you have all been collectively trained in the manner of solution focused brief therapy popularised by Steve DeShazer and Insoo Kim berg. You clever swine!

Well, I happened upon this video ‘Rap against Rape’ that was tweeted by Saliwho.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKMTSGgJPGA

If you’re so lazy you can’t be arsed to click on that link, PLEASE RECONSIDER. This is a video that is unparalleled, not only in its awareness raising that “rape is wrong” and that every one of all ages can be raped “even a simple child”.

Heavy Stuff. This is punctuated with some great mime by the dancers at the beginning. Miming the terror that might be on a woman’s face if she were about to be raped. Moving.

Apparently rape has been happening for ‘some time’ according to RAR, which was filmed in the early nineties, which makes it sound like it has been around since approximately 1985.

The ‘rappers’ are cunningly disguised as electricians wearing ‘dad jeans’ and moustaches meanwhile their angry sister, modelling herself on Yazz, stomps angrily in the background, occasionally shaking a fist, miming “what did I do wrong?”.

What didn’t you do wrong? That dance is just the tip of the iceberg. I remember my mate Liz doing a dance like that at the local underage disco. She didn’t get off with anyone that night.

Ah, I see! Effective.

Anyway, my pal, Sherby57, asked me if I’d write one of my famous short plays about ‘da issuez’. I’m not sure which issue he’d like me to raise awareness of, so I’ve chosen to use all of them. Possibly interchangeably. Not rape though. I think ‘Rap Against Rape’ have made the position on rape perfectly clear.

IT’S WRONG. DON’T DO IT. NOT EVEN IF IT’S A SIMPLE CHILD.

Ok here’s the short play:

______________________

person 1: Don’t do that, it’s wrong.

person 2: Is it?

Person 1: Yes. It hurts people/the environment/animals in some direct or indirect form.

Person 2: Really? I did not know that.

Person 1: Yes, it does. Can you stop it?

Person 2: Sure thing. Thank you for opening my eyes.

Person 1: You’re not even going to put up a fight?

Person 2: Your argument was very erudite and cogent, so no. And I fancy you slightly.

Person 1: Can you not put up a bit more of a struggle?

Person 2: No, sorry. I don’t like doing wrong things.

FIN.

Angel’s short plays: Crime Drama!

Watch out, there’s an intriguing twist in the tale!

Kowlaski: Listen up, chump. I got a knark that puts you in the place where the ice cream murders were committed. The guys at the Forensics found ice cream DNA on your craghoppers gilet.

Suspect: I wasn’t there. I was staring at some pitta pockets.

Kowalski: Maybe it wasn’t you then.

Suspect: It wasn’t me.

Kowalski: the forensics are pretty compelling, punk. I still think it’s you and you were sighted masturbating by an ice cream van, so you have a motive.

Suspect: Yeah, it was me. Sorry that I lied.

FIN

New Short Play: Short Romcom

He: Why that’s girl’s so beautiful. Her eyes are large like the Nazca plate and her lips are like delicate toilet paper. Why, a girl so beautiful as that wouldn’t be interested in a bum like me. Sometimes it’s hard for girls to get past my job in the fluffy animal abbatoir.

She: Alright, have you got the time?

He: It’s half three. Say, I don’t suppose you fancy going out some time? Could I have your number?

She: Yeah sure. It’s 18934 88474 28282.

He: Oh Brilliant. Phone you later.

FIN.

Dr. Angel on the loose in 2005

As part of my ‘mining the archives’ series, I’m generously sharing more of my ‘gold’.  Today’s ‘gold’ comes via a post from December 2005 where I share my ‘short plays’ for you to enjoy. 

It was here in 2005 that I first introduced the pure animal magnetism and inherent rawness of the character Kowalski. Jesus, just thinking about him makes me all hot. hot like I’ve had a laptop on my knee for too long or hot like a can of Lynx Java on a bonfire outside the community centre. Keep your eyes peeled for more Kowalksi Adventures in the future.

Angel’s Short Plays: Add your own.

15.12.05

  Jesus, Kawolski, we gotta round up every goddam bum in new york city.  We gonna bust our asses until the jobs done, if my names not James T. Loose Cannon.

(bangs on door)

(shouts)NYPD!  NYPD, this is a bust!
2.  oh hello, do come in. 
3.  thanks awfully.
 
FIN
 
1.  Sweet Jesus, Loose-Cannon, my ass is on the line, I can’t keep covering for your fuck ups and this city is going to the dogs.  This morning I found a bottle of whisky in your goddam filing cabinet.  you better pull yourself together man and stop drinking or I’m going to pull you off the Jawoski homicide case!
2.  Sorry chief, don’t pull me off the Jawoski homicide! I’ll find out the nearest AA group and quit the booze.
3.  good ok.  See you later.