Dear Lady Salt
You have indeed arrived on the very door that can affix the nosebag of knowledge to your snout.
I have entered many a ‘hot body show’ and they are indeed elaborate and complex affairs. Dare I say, almost a ritual. Hot Body Shows were invented in 1432 by Sir Special K who insisted on guests to his parties wearing red leotards, by which he would judge them on the well known dimensions of: goitre, guttage, truncheon, and haunces. The Winner would be declared ‘the winner’, then everyone would down some thunderbird and run up and down the stairs, then do a ouijaboard, get freaked out then their mum’s and dad’s pick them up.
Today, few of Sir Special K’s traditions remain other than haunches and goitre. Truncheon and guttage have been replaced by the dimensions of sturdiness and attention seeking. Let me walk you through what you might expect:
You enter the hot body show through the Tuba monster section of Carlisle. Just next to the airport, home of Stobart Air.
You will be carrying a marrow with the words ‘thumbscrews’ implanted into it’s DNA.
The Hot Body Show will take place at ‘Carlisle Mike’s Beard Arena’. You will enter by the ‘Wandering hand in a Sauna’ Gate.
The first dimension you will be judged on, of course, is haunches. There’s only one way for haunches to be and that’s powerful, like a powerful horse. You will be asked to rear up, from your normal four legged rested state, onto your hindquarters, and pretend to throw an impertinent Orator off. The judges will be looking closely for a flourish for your rear, and will be looking for tendons, sinewy.
Tomorrow, dear Lady Salt, I will tell you about the further dimensions of goitre, sturdiness and attention-seeking.
That boy is in the bag!