Louis XIV Horoscopes, Part Trois

If you don't want to see something magnificent, avert your eyes MAINTENANT!

Bonjour mes petits

It is I, le Roi de Soleil, mes amis. France’s most celebrated ruler. Je suis ici! Je sais, mes petis, Je sais that you ‘ave missed me, my sexual friends. Of course you ‘ave missed me. You miss me like Sven Baldwin, miss ‘is Bible and Prince misses ‘is Ice Buns.

Another one of my sexual friends, Docteur Ange avec le monde du Sheds ‘as asked me to come back vite, as I ‘ave been earing with my sexual ears that there is a, ‘ow you say, une Twittie-Tweet campaign for ‘more louis xiv action’.

Of course, I is hearing this a lot from my Queen, Anne of Austria, and my many many mistresses. The Sun-king has an appetite like the raging surface of the sun, mes petits.  I burn with sexual energy, so hot, so sexy. I am like a french Dane Bowers, Dieter Brummer, Stefan Dennis, ou Matthew Kelly. Oui. Be careful, les dames, vous might get ‘burnt’. He he. Louis is only joking, I will not really burn you, although I may try and push you up on les worktop in les kitchen when you come into my Versailles palace after a night out. I may well call your knee boots, ‘hooker boots’ but it was your fault for wearing them, you sexy tease.

Alors, I did not know what I was going to be talking about when Dr. Ange asked me to come back due to your vociferous demands, all through the night. Louis is used to such demands, oui oui. Night after night I am demanded to do such practices as ‘the intrepid welshman’ ‘Electric Boogaloo-Electric Avenue’ and ‘coffee table literature’ by the royal mistresses. Did I mention that there were many of them? Well there are. Many. Oh, my sexual friends, you would not believe how many. But, je pense que that I would tell you about my illegitimate children, who are also known as ‘the Royal Bastards’. I thought I would tell you their names, but I tried to remember them all, but my sexy sexy brain was too tired from all my sexy-time practices, that I could not, so I just had to guess. One might be called Phillipe, I think. Or is that my worthless brother? Hang on…

There’s Randy, Michael, La toya…Oh no, that’s not them…silly, gorgeous, virile, Louis!

Hang on, mes petits, there’s Matt, Luke and Craig, oui, and then there’s Mark and Spencer, and petit LaShawonda et Chaka Demus, Pliers, Pato Banton and oh, hehe, CJ Lewis. If I had children I’d call them those names, so I think that they will be bon guesses.

Ok, time for your monthly star sign, my firm rumped amis:

Healthpoint the Arrow
When it comes to money a long term investment will yield better than a get rich quick scheme, or maybe a get rich quick scheme might work better than a long term investment, it’s not clear yet. You’ll have a cunning scheme that might save you money. You decide to wash less. Go for it! you’ll have way more cash than usual to go shopping with, or mayne your friend will, or someone who may or may not sit next to you on the bus/train/ ferry.

Look out: a one night stand could lead to a one night stand. Watch out for a sexy french king. He could open your mind substantially and possibly ruin you for all other men.

Oh, my stout friends, as toujours, I ‘ave so much fun here, mais, now I must away. The Pope-dog-bastard threatens to ex-communicate me again for making up another religion where I am the God and only sexy femmes may worship at my ‘temple of the third leg’.

a tout l’heure

your handsome, muscular Divine King

Louis xiv