Mining the Archives, November 2005

Mining the archives finds me reflecting on one of my first forays to Carlisle, a place that later became a regular haunt of mine and where I met my current beau ‘The Cow’.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy my amusing reflections on the fair town. It may even result in you designing a competition to win Preston train station.

14 November 2005

 My sexy a** has got you in a new dimension

 and that dimension would be carlisle…more soon…telephone call. And so I’m back, afresh from my phone call from Radio 1 northern irish bum boy Colin Murray. He of course launched into full Jane Austen-esque dialogue with me, and asked me whether I knew who Noel Coward was. I replied, “of course, isn’t he in Emmerdale?”, to which Colin reared up on his hind legs and turned into a praying mantis. Anyway, AWoS fans, yea, my sexy ass did indeed have me and others within a 3 km locus (that’s just how powerful my ass is, I think it emits gamma rays and can only be stopped by lead) in the fair town of Carlisle this weekend.

Anyone who knows the fair town of Carlisle must know that it is a truth universally acknowledged by all of Carlisle inhabitants that the young ladies there give you looks of violence even if you so much as throw a a4 ring binder in their direction, not to mention a Andi Peters commemorative urethral wand! I kept mine firmly upon my person, as instructed in the handy leaflet ‘Andi sez urethYEAH!’. Anyway, here are some facts I gathered about Carlisle:

  • Carlisle is named after the isle of Cars off the East coast of Wales.
  • There are three packets of Berkeley Menthol to every gaylord in Carlisle
  •  Men in Carlisle are all hopelessly in love with me. FACT! This is largely due to my overuse of the words ‘Biere du france’.
  •  In Carlisle,apparantly, the girls “Don’t like the Argies and that’s just fucking that” when questioned why, you will recieve the answer “no reason, I just don’t like them. That’s that”. This will be accompanied by a look which can only mean they want to drink the fluid from the soda stream in your brain.
  • There are no laws in Carlisle, apart from ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours breville pie magic’. The penalty is a date with sodium permanganate.

Have you been to Carlisle, shed fans? Can you tell me any facts about it? Did a young boy called Andy try and hold YOUR hand? Or was it just me that he did that to? I await, with writhing eyes…