Top Tips Part 3

Dear Dr. Angel

I’m really stuck and I don’t know where to turn. I’m a total slag, but I can’t seem to make people realise. I really would love to promote public awareness of my lack of sexual inhibitions, but I can’t seem to get the message through to my partner. I’ve tried snogging girls in nightclubs to get fellas to look at me, but it just doesn’t get that much of a reaction these days as everyone seems to be doing it. Oh Doctor Angel, what can I do?

Amanda, 27, Runcorn

Dear Amanda,

It’s tough being a slag. Not that I know, but I can imagine from watching ‘What Katie did next’ and I’ve gleaned some of this through watching ‘Club Reps’. It can be really frustrating when people don’t let on by, say, propositioning you with a seeded batch or frotting you as you rub yourself up and down a pillar, pretending to be a pole dancer, in Buskers night spot or Sylvester’s night club.

Amanda, the most direct route you can take into promoting public awareness is to put a playboy bunny motif on your Peugeot 206. Also, why not consider wearing either a wrist watch or a belly ring with this motif on it? Playboy motifs have become synonymous with loose morals, and this can’t fail to get your message across. Give a few blowies for cigarettes to really seal the deal.

However, please be aware that a playboy bunny motif DOES NOT make you attractive/kittenish. In fact, if you are remotely unattractive, the motif will only serve to exacerbate this ridiculous juxtaposition.

Hope that helps. Happy slagging.

Dr. Angel

Breaking News

Recently I blogged about my rage at the playboy bunny epidemic here.

Since I wrote that blog, when I was driving home from work tonight I was behing a crappy old white Peugeot, carrying what can only be described as ‘a load of old crap’ in the back. Upon it’s very boot was the playboy bunny. Yeah. Heff insists on crappy old peugeots as standard issue for the bunnies.

It gets worse.

There’s a sweet kid who lives next door to me. She’s about 9 years old. As I was driving up the road I saw that she has a massive playboy bunny sticker adorning her bedroom window. She told me once, when she’s old enough, that she’d like a tattoo. I asked her what she’d like a tattoo of. She beamed widely at me and said a leopardskin playboy bunny.

Playboy bunnies, the Rage continues.

When he goes for a piss, he'll know just what sort of lady you are.

Hey you guys! (I’m talking like Sloth from the Goonies here, can you tell? Hmm, I’m slightly worried that this might marr the gravitas of what I have to say in this blog. On the other hand the juxtaposition of light hearted, childhood-remininscent humour may be the perfect backdrop by which to juxtapose my next piece, thereby making it seem more weighty by it’s counter-position. Yes)

You may remember my, some might say, ‘unreasonable’ bile at the playboy bunny motif. Read more about this here:

You’re probably thinking that I’m some sort of birkenstock wearing, sturdy bottomed, linen pant wearing feminist. If that turns you on, continue thinking it. I’m not one to question what you’re attracted to. Anyway, what is “attractive”? Let’s deconstruct that…let’s sit in a circle and ‘rap’ about it. Maybe some light role play questioning society’s views on what is ‘beauty’. Maybe we can spilt up some perfectly good words by putting a hyphen in them in a sexy post-modern way like ‘dis-ease’ or just put every single word in inverted commas in a sligtly questioning (some might say, ‘mocking’) way. Maybe we could use and empty chair to symbolise ‘the man’. I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about the implications of you being attracted to your ‘phantasy’ (spelt this way in the Freudian sense, Freud fans) of me. Anyway, I digress, albeit, erotically.

I suppose I am a feminist, yes.

Anyway, you might remember that what I was specifically enraged was a worrying new trend to have a playboy bunny on simply anything you could lay your square acrylic-ed nails avec ‘nail-art’ed hands on.  I jauntily hypothesised that this bunny might be the worrying aspirational icon for the next generation of women. That worth was denoted by knockers. I suppose much like the ‘porn star in training’ t-shirts that were popular in the late nineties, that being seen as a ‘porn star in training’ was a bit like saying ‘please see me as sexy and therefore more worthy of your time/affections’.  I know someone who is a careers advisor. She says that girls at school really do come and see her and say they want to be a glamour model.  It seems that women themselves are contributing to the myth that the only dimension of worth as a women is being ‘sexy’.  Sexy doesn’t cure illnesses. Unless you are Doctor Sexy.

Anyway, I’ve been patrolling the sector of this part of the country that I’m responsible for and have found some more playboy delights to entrance your eye. Ecce!

If you make your eyes go gozzy, a picture of a slag emerges.

Gasp! Just think! If you had this on your wall! What would the boys think? Oh they’d just think you were fabulous! Oh no, wait.  Just hold on. What would the boys think if your 11 year old daughter had this on her wall?  It’s 3d and everything! Amazing.

And look! Just LOOK! at the bee-yoo-t-i-ful bathroom set you can get from TK Maxx. Nothing says ‘class’ more than a playboy soap dish. Reasonably priced too.  You’ll have some spare change from a fiver to spend on a t-shirt that says ‘This bitch bites’.  Girlfriend (I’m talking like Gok Wan here) your hands might be clean, but he’ll be thinkin’ you is dirrrty.

Please, if you spot any noteworthy playboy merchandise, do let me know so I can mercilessly ridicule it.

Until we meet again, my sweet, sweet rogues.

We were made for each other

Yes, I can’t help but feeling so strongly towards you, and we’ve only just met.

I think we go so well together, like vomit and sawdust. I miss you like bog roll on the day after a heavy drinking session. I need you like immodium instants before the flight home from Turkey.  Oh, I’ve a fever for you, like consumption.

What’s brought this on? I’m watching a Romcom. You, Me and Dupree, no less, is on at the moment.

By the way, why are the heroines in Romcoms always primary school teachers?  Does that make a woman more attractive?  Like a playboy bunny emblem on a car or a tattoo of tweetie pit on a cleavage.

Yes. Yes all these things are attractive.

When I grow up I want to be…

Dear, sweet smelling shedders

Ladies, let me ask you a question (I’ll answer for you though).  What did you want to be when you were a child, or a teenager?  That might sound like a existential question, Foucault, but I’m asking about your career aspirations, your goals, your ideas…

Let me share mine, indulgently.  That’s what having a blog is all about.

I wanted to be a teacher, a policewoman or a radiographer.  Not all at once.  Taking x rays would prove difficult in in front of a classroom jam packed with offenders. Standard aspirations though, I’m guessing. I’m sure many of you had similar aspirations, be it dentist, lawyer, a champion of human rights, a scientist or an author. 

Well then, shed enthusiasts, let me update you on a worrying trend that has captured my attention.  Whilst driving to my regular polo neck wearers meeting I noticed a mini with a playboy bunny motif on the reg plate.  This is not the first time I have noticed such an abomination.  It’s becoming an all too common occurrance.

Being a deep thinker, even beyond that of the French Philosophers of the Enlightenment (this one’s for you, Descartes!) I found myself thinking about the meaning of this.  We all know that we choose motifs and emblems that in some way have a personal resonance, that speak of some value, commitment or principle that you hold dear.  Or perhaps a motif to the world about the way in which you wish to be seen. 

This stationary lends gravitas to any letter or essay.

So, what is it about playboy that young women aspire to?  What values does this reflect about things that they hold dear?  What can we assume is the personal resonance of the motif to the modern young lady, so much so that it would compel a young woman to seek out a personalised reg plate specifically with the bunny on? 

Is it being seen purely as a sex object?  Being subjugated?  Being essentially a prostitute in a leotard?  And when did it become OK for children to wear playboy watches and t-shirts? What parent in good conscience could ally buying their 10 year old daughter a playboy bed spread?  “OOh, I hope this will help them be seen as a sexual object only”.  When did the playboy bunny become something that we want to aspire to?  When did the valuing of women on their sexual subjugation become de rigeur?  Why can’t we celebrate scientists, poets, artists, lawyers, nurses rather than hookers?

If you work really hard and study for your exams, you might get to have sex with this man!  Just think!

What next can young women look to for their dreams?  Crystal Meth addicts, Smack addled street walkers, benefit cheats?  Perhaps one day you can hope to order a reg plate with crossed syringes as an emblem or the logo of the local social services. Maybe just a crude drawing of a penis. 

Until that day, I can only dream.  


Call Antiques Roadshow!