Today I had to start admitting that I’m not 28 any more. I’d been largely successful in denying my advancing years by zapping my face with electric currents monthly and wearing cross-body satchels, but the discovery of my first grey today meant I had to finally admit to my bodily decline.
I am 36 by the way.
To be fair, there were other signs that I was no longer a vigorous and vital twenty something.
- If I’ve been doing an activity in the day, I need a can of red bull to go out in the night time. Red Bull-Fuel for the over thirties.
- When I hold parties, instead of the fag butts and vomit that was usually left behind in our twenties, now left behind is a navy fleece and a bag for life.
- I’ve begun wearing ballet pumps as high heels make my feet too sore. Once upon a time I wore sky scraper heels for work, shopping, even sightseeing around New York. There was no fucking way I was wearing flats, and now when I’m shopping for boots anything over 3 inches and I’m scowling like a trapped badger.
- Highly pigmented eyeshadow makes me look like a drag queen. It’s all ‘dove greys’ and ‘nudes’ now. How exciting!
- My friends no longer want to go to nightclubs or popular bars because they can’t settle unless they get a seat.
- I have gardening jeans and decorating jeans. I garden. Not willingly you, understand. I’m not a monster.
- My jeans are now ‘mid rise’. Want to know what ‘rise’ is? Rise of a jean is how much you can get away with before you show your landing strip. I can no longer take the choking sensation of a pair of low rise skinnies, nor can I be arsed with the worry that one false move and poor onlookers might be privy for more than they bargained for.
- I have bodyshaping garments in surgical nude colours.
- I go to Zumba.
- I enjoy TV programmes about houses, interior decorating and I ‘upcycle’
- When I tell my husband off, I sound like my Nan. Not even my mother, my NAN.
- I own a electric belt sander.
- I have dreams that I’m discovering extra storage in my kitchen and I’m delighted.
Good god, it’s worse than I thought!
Today, I embrace my advancing years. I will be switching my electric blanket on tonight, leaving future parties a 9pm to ‘get settled’ and prepare for everything to become ‘nude’ colour-my make up, my undergarments, my clothes, my flat lace ups. My only comfort, is you are all growing old with me!