Kingdom Brass Youth

A recent e-mail correspondence:

Abbey Tarte (

We regret to inform you that your employment with Argon Electronics UK Ltd is being terminated. 
Your termination is the result of the following violations of company policy:
- H38 69 28.03.2012
- H38 20 28.03.2012
- H38 40 28.03.2012

You were issued written warnings on 13.08.2014. As stated in your final warning, you needed to take 
steps to correct your behavior by 15.09.2014. Your failure to do so has resulted in your termination. 
To appeal this termination, you must return written notification of your intention to appeal to
 Jay Feeley in Argon Electronics UK Ltd no later than 06:00PM on 26.09.2014.

Abbey Tarte

Dear Abbey
I must say, your e mail came as a great surprise, being fired from a job that I didn’t know I had.
 I am sorry to hear that my behaviour has brought disgrace on the good name or Argon Electronics, the Beast and Monolith of the Electronics World. It is with a heavy heart I have knowledge of the shame I have caused the company that invented the Roto-turnip, the ice cream press and Robocop. I hope the company’s reputation and stock can recover. I think Argon Electronics holds a warm and fuzzy place in many of our hearts. Especially since most of us can remember getting our first Argon Jesuit Chaser.
It is with complete acceptance and humility that I accept my termination. I do not know what H38 69 28.03.2012 is but it must be pretty bad. Maybe part of the infringement was me not coming in to work, not being on the payroll and not making the daily commute from the North West of England to Bedfordshire. Unforgivable. I was once sacked from a restaurant because I coudn’t carry three plates at once. Perhaps my plate carrying shame has caught up with me?
Anyway, I really appreciate you mailing me and letting me know from your personal e mail account. How’s Kingdom Brass Youth working out for you? I always have dreams I’m playing brass instruments really well but in actual fact the nearest I’ve got to playing brass was stroking some horse brasses in a country pub. I’m not sure what this dream means, probably something about dicks. Hope Argon gives you some recompense for you not mailing from work. It must be difficult to hold down a high powered job in Argon and all the hooker and coke fuelled hedonism of Youth Brass bands.
good luck to you.
Dr. Angel


My reply to Walter Dorman


I can’t tell you how worried I’ve been about you. The last time I heard from you, you had send me a photograph of your likeness which did enchant and delight mine eye. Forgive me, dear Walter, but I did share this photograph with my esteemed colleagues at the abbatoir who snatched and grabbed at it, as if you were a piece of meat, or a sturdy carrot or a chunky Staffordshire bull terrier. Sure, I could understand the feelings your photograph would incite in these harridans-what woman would not be sensible of how handsome you are, however I have to own that jealousy stirred deep within me, deep deep within me, so deep, I dare to venture that I felt my very own bowel stir with longing and territoriality. Mine is a jealous bowel, as diagnosed by my consultant bum docto, Mr.Delbert Wilkins.

Moreover, the opinion of the lustful wenches at the abbatoir was to let you make me financially rich, and at some point, we might be together. Do you think you could accept my culture, dear WALTER? To tempt you, I must make you sensible of the high life we live here in East Skemmerlandia. I myself, are envied by the masses as I own a sunbed and a breville pie magic…o WALTER, we could have pies on DEMAND! Any flavour your heart desires! WE could even put diamond in them. I understand that this is probably what you’d like to eat given you come from Diamond Rich Ford Sierra. They make be a bit crunchy, WALTER, but I’m willing to try it because your CULTURE is important to me. Perhaps soom we could be eating our diamond pies, on the Ford Sierra riveria for our holidays. I bet it’s so glamorous, sipping a cool panda pops shandy by the poolside, surrounded by eggs and acrylic nails.

Because of the burning rage incited in me from the jealousy of my colleagues, I went out into the street and howled at the sun-god, Delbert. I screamed “why doest thou mock me?”. He didn’t answer, the worthless deity. Do you worship Delbert in Sierra Cosworth? I hope so, even though he’s a bit shit? If not, it could cause proper cultural differences that I hope we could overcome, by say, a playfight or by stripping off. It’s the only way we resolve such issues here.

O, LITTLE WALTER, can I forward your e-mail to all the people in my e-mail address book and they could rally together and sort you out? See, I myself have no bank account to speak of. My catalogue bills are so substantial that I have ‘bad’ credit. Well, they call it ‘bad credit’ but how can debts amassed to purchase a playboy duvet cover be bad in anyway? It’s sexy credit at least. Maybe it means ‘bad’ in naughty way? Do you know what I mean there, WALTER? I’m insinuating I’m a bit raunchy here. You refer to me as your ‘good friend’. Is that all you see me as, a ‘friend’? Say it isn’t so! In England ‘good friends’ means something really exciting, I’ll let you imagine, with your mind, where the imagination operates largely, as well as secondary imagination, which operates in the nodes of ranvier.

O please reply soon, dear one. I fear my heart cannot last much longer without being sensible of how you are faring. Like shoe fayre.
Yours, truly

A x

The return of Walter Dorman!

You may remember a little while back, of my exciting financial developments with the humbly titled “little” Walter Dorman.

And it’s been a fair old while since I’ve heard from the most unfortunate man in ‘Diamond Rich Sierra Leone’, but hurrah! He’s written back to me, and here’s what the fucker said!

  • Please accept this little compensation from Master Walter Dorman.‏

  • Hello my good friend,
    how are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope this mail meets you in a perfect condition. If you can remember me, I am Master Walter Dorman the little boy of 21years that seek for your hand in assisting me to transfer a huge amount into your account that is worth 6, 200.000.00USD, (six million and two hundred thousand us dollars) that belongs to my late parent, which i am the beneficiary of this fund. 

    I am using this opportunity to inform you that the transaction has been concluded with another person who financed it to a logical conclusion. As you now know that i have travelled with the new partner that assisted me, he came down to my country and finalizes the transaction and i had to move with him to his country.

    I left an order with the bank’s Attorney after the transfer of the fund to the new person who financed this transaction to the full that he should make sure that he compensate you with the sum of $600,000.00us dollars, (six hundred thousand us dollars) thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of this fund into your account due to one reason or the other. But I want to inform you that we have successfully transferred the fund out of my bank to my new partner’s account in Paraguay that was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

    Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness which you showed during the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and also show my gratitude to you with the sum of $600,000.00. I have left an international certified bank cheque draft for you worth the sum of  $600,000.00 cashable anywhere in the world.

    Presently I am not in Burkina Faso but I have given an instruction to the bank attorney who is presently in Burkina Faso to hand over the certified draft cheque to you immediately you contact him.

    My dear friend I will like you to contact the bank attorney Barr John Buki for the collection of this international certified bank cheque draft I have authorized to release the international certified bank cheque draft to you as soon as you contact him regarding this issue.
    At the moment, I’m very busy here in Paraguay with my new partner who financed the transfer to the end, because of the projects which i had in my mind and to utilize the fund and go back to school and open a good company and still help the charity with the fund including who ever that assisted and now I am on the process in Paraguay. Please I will like you to accept this draft cheque with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart. Also comply with the bank attorney Barr John Buki, so that he will send the international certified bank cheque draft to you without any delay.
    CONTACT:Barr John Buki.

    PHONE NUMBER—-00226-76 64 23 06.

    Therefore, you should send him your full Name and telephone and address where you want him to send the international certified bank cheque draft to you.
    Note: that for now I will not be online until further notice because of the project at hand, so I wish you good luck as you collect your draft cheque from the bank attorney.
    Yours son, brother,

    Master Walter Dorman

My reply to follow soon!