Louis XIV horoscope corner.

‘Allo!

Bonjour mes petits.

It is I, your libidinous leige, Louis. It has been a while since I have graced the pixels of Dr. Angel’s blog-age, the wretched mademoiselle! She say “Louis, I am too busy to write my blog” or “Louis, it’s freaking me out that a dead french king keeps texting me” and “louis I will not watch porn with you”. Ah, she is trop ennuyeux! If she didn’t have such a great ass, I think I wouldn’t talk to her, and really the dead bit, is a minor inconvenience.

So what have I been amusing myself with, mes petits? Well, it is been very boring here in Versailles. I decided that we would play a version of ‘come dine with me’ here at court. There was me, your sun-king, Cardinal Richelieu, Cardinal Mazarin and we invited Charles II of Spain (well, I invite he and his jaw-ha ha ha. Louis makes a little joke here as he is the product of excessive interbreeding and therefore disabled. His family really should have put it about a bit, comme Louis, eh?) and also the Holy Roman Emperor, as he always up for a laugh.

I was pretty sure I could win, being God’s representative on Earth. I was sure that mon dieu would see me right. Well, come dine with me was a disaster, mes petits. Charles II couldn’t keep his chin out of the food. When we found the Holy Roman Emperor’s handcuffs in his bedroom and Mazarin handcuffed me to the bedstead, sadly, the HRE did not find this amusant and ex communicated me from the Catholic Church-AGAIN. He always doing that. I mean, he is okay if we are all laughing at his bon-mots but if court laughs at him, he freakin ex communicates one of us. Last time, he ex communicated Anne of Austria because she accused him of ‘cutting le fromage’ in court. It took her two weeks to get him to change his mind, and it was only after she plied him with beaucoup de jagerbombs. The HRE loves a jagerbomb.

Anyway, mes petits, here is your horoscope.

Juan the Crab

Over the next month you will experience a range of emotions. At times you might feel really happy. Other times, you will know the dark recesses of the human condition. You may feel like this for a short time, or slightly, or considerably longer than that.

At times, you will need to forage for food. This will help you satiate your appetite. Venus rising in Scorpio means that you will not go hungry and you will probably buy some potatoes.

This month, friends will talk to you. But not constantly. There will be times they won’t be talking. Some times you will find yourself talking back. It will be a most unprecedented month.

Ring my horoscope line to hear about what potatoes you will eat this month.

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Louis xiv Horoscope corner part quatre

Yo yo, mes salopes!

It is I, King Louis XIV! Oh you sexy fools, you thought I was un rapper Americain avec my disrespectful mots pour les dammes. Je suis desole if I cause your noggins to be mashed avec Sexy Louis’ aggressive mais arousing using of language. It ‘as been a tres trying time for poor Louis in the Palace of Versailles. Cardinal Mazarin he ‘as become obsessed avec ‘Les X Facteur’ and we ‘av all been forced to watch. Me, my shit-tete brother, le Dauphin, all les royal bastards ( mes childers illegitimate) et my wife. Oh I can’t remember the silly bitch’s name. Hapsburg Jaw or something. Alors, Mazarin, he is a big fan of the little baggy trousered girl, who av not been eating her ‘orse burgers and snail ice cream, Cher. Mazarin he ‘as been drawing musical notes on ‘is ‘and like Cher to try to copy. Sadly, Mazarin ‘ee could not master a Treble Clef, and everyone thought ee had drawn Clippit, the microsoft office assistant on his big, fat spade like hand. Oh Mazarin! It reminded Louis of when ee go see Brother Beyond at Liverpool Empire. Oh, such fun. They were ably supported by hot gay lords ‘Seven’ who were not ever famous, mes oh, they commanded the stage. Louis, got ‘is hand signed by Keith from Seven as he clearly wanted to kiss the sun king’s hand. Oh, I nearly let him!

Alors, because I ‘av been danser dans le living room to ”ard knock life’ et ‘soulja boy’ I ‘ave began talkin comme les sexy gangsta like Akon, Shabba Ranks ou Simon Webb. I’m trying to find the words to describe ‘er without being disrepectful..ooh she’s une sexy BITCH. She’s a SEXY BITCH!

Ooh, Quel Dommage, I don’t know what ‘as got into me. Now I must away and try and knock this aggressive gangsta out of myself so I can get back to being sexy, sensitive Louis. I may go invade another country or persecute some protestants. Here is this month’s horocsope, you sexy beetches.

Leo the Walrus

This month expect to wear some clothes. A chance encounter could see you buying something from a shop. A stranger may ignore you and you may or may not notice. Someone close to you is looking at your arse. Your pants have gone up your bum.

Phone my horoscope line to find out why money is running through your fingers 

0889 69 69 threesome

 

Louis XIV Horoscopes, Part Trois

If you don't want to see something magnificent, avert your eyes MAINTENANT!

Bonjour mes petits

It is I, le Roi de Soleil, mes amis. France’s most celebrated ruler. Je suis ici! Je sais, mes petis, Je sais that you ‘ave missed me, my sexual friends. Of course you ‘ave missed me. You miss me like Sven Baldwin, miss ‘is Bible and Prince misses ‘is Ice Buns.

Another one of my sexual friends, Docteur Ange avec le monde du Sheds ‘as asked me to come back vite, as I ‘ave been earing with my sexual ears that there is a, ‘ow you say, une Twittie-Tweet campaign for ‘more louis xiv action’.

Of course, I is hearing this a lot from my Queen, Anne of Austria, and my many many mistresses. The Sun-king has an appetite like the raging surface of the sun, mes petits.  I burn with sexual energy, so hot, so sexy. I am like a french Dane Bowers, Dieter Brummer, Stefan Dennis, ou Matthew Kelly. Oui. Be careful, les dames, vous might get ‘burnt’. He he. Louis is only joking, I will not really burn you, although I may try and push you up on les worktop in les kitchen when you come into my Versailles palace after a night out. I may well call your knee boots, ‘hooker boots’ but it was your fault for wearing them, you sexy tease.

Alors, I did not know what I was going to be talking about when Dr. Ange asked me to come back due to your vociferous demands, all through the night. Louis is used to such demands, oui oui. Night after night I am demanded to do such practices as ‘the intrepid welshman’ ‘Electric Boogaloo-Electric Avenue’ and ‘coffee table literature’ by the royal mistresses. Did I mention that there were many of them? Well there are. Many. Oh, my sexual friends, you would not believe how many. But, je pense que that I would tell you about my illegitimate children, who are also known as ‘the Royal Bastards’. I thought I would tell you their names, but I tried to remember them all, but my sexy sexy brain was too tired from all my sexy-time practices, that I could not, so I just had to guess. One might be called Phillipe, I think. Or is that my worthless brother? Hang on…

There’s Randy, Michael, La toya…Oh no, that’s not them…silly, gorgeous, virile, Louis!

Hang on, mes petits, there’s Matt, Luke and Craig, oui, and then there’s Mark and Spencer, and petit LaShawonda et Chaka Demus, Pliers, Pato Banton and oh, hehe, CJ Lewis. If I had children I’d call them those names, so I think that they will be bon guesses.

Ok, time for your monthly star sign, my firm rumped amis:

Healthpoint the Arrow
When it comes to money a long term investment will yield better than a get rich quick scheme, or maybe a get rich quick scheme might work better than a long term investment, it’s not clear yet. You’ll have a cunning scheme that might save you money. You decide to wash less. Go for it! you’ll have way more cash than usual to go shopping with, or mayne your friend will, or someone who may or may not sit next to you on the bus/train/ ferry.

Look out: a one night stand could lead to a one night stand. Watch out for a sexy french king. He could open your mind substantially and possibly ruin you for all other men.

Oh, my stout friends, as toujours, I ‘ave so much fun here, mais, now I must away. The Pope-dog-bastard threatens to ex-communicate me again for making up another religion where I am the God and only sexy femmes may worship at my ‘temple of the third leg’.

a tout l’heure

your handsome, muscular Divine King

Louis xiv
xoxox

Louis xiv’s horoscopes, part deux

Bonjour mes petits!

Alors! Je suis ici, your regal ami, Louis xiv, back with my horoscope corner. I know I’ve not been ‘ere for a while, Louis fans, but I’ve ‘ad a terrible problem avec infestation in my state. You may be theenking, “oh louis, you gorgeous, mane haired sun-god-king, surely a leetle pest like une cock-a-roache ou un petit woolouse could not keep you away for so long.  You are tres strong et tres sexy”.  Oh, mes petits, you are so right mais so wrong. Yes, eet is vrai that I am indeed a sexy man thang and strong comme une powerful ‘orse like a shire ‘orse, mais, le infestation problem is not le teeeny tiny beasties! D’accord? No, my sexual friends, eet was le ‘orrible hugenots. You know them as protestants.  Either way they are total bastards. You may know the mother france is une catholic state, so bastard huguenots are not welcome, no.  I instructed my elite soldiers, le Dragonnades, to force them out of France by installing a dragonnade in every Hugenot household. Once ensconsed in le maison, my dragonnade forces the family to watch ‘Will & Grace” all day. He he he. Oh, I am soo evil. They leave pretty soon, I can tell you.

Alors, today’s horcoscope is Axel F, the Axelottle.

If you are desperate for someone to get in touch, be patient.  They’ve probably got a hectic social calender, or an impacted bowel, but that doesn’t mean they’re playing it cool.  They don’t like you. Girlfriend, men don’t play it cool. If they don’t get in touch they don’t like you. It’s probably that playboy soapdish, quite frankly. Mercury rising in Focus carpark gives you breath that smells of peardrops.

Someone close could reveal a big secret to a priest, or a friend, or maybe a parent. Or someone that’s not that close to you might, or even someone on the telly. Maybe on a soap.

Single? A fun night out may or may not see you cop off. If you drink enough, someone will do.

Oh, that was fun, n’est-ce pas? Oh, I’ve had such a great time here at le monde de sheds, avec Docteur Ange, mais, maintenant I must away. I have bored a hole in my mistress’ powder room and she is about to get a bath!

A tout le heur!

Louis xiv xoxo