Louis XIV Horoscopes, Part Trois

If you don't want to see something magnificent, avert your eyes MAINTENANT!

Bonjour mes petits

It is I, le Roi de Soleil, mes amis. France’s most celebrated ruler. Je suis ici! Je sais, mes petis, Je sais that you ‘ave missed me, my sexual friends. Of course you ‘ave missed me. You miss me like Sven Baldwin, miss ‘is Bible and Prince misses ‘is Ice Buns.

Another one of my sexual friends, Docteur Ange avec le monde du Sheds ‘as asked me to come back vite, as I ‘ave been earing with my sexual ears that there is a, ‘ow you say, une Twittie-Tweet campaign for ‘more louis xiv action’.

Of course, I is hearing this a lot from my Queen, Anne of Austria, and my many many mistresses. The Sun-king has an appetite like the raging surface of the sun, mes petits.  I burn with sexual energy, so hot, so sexy. I am like a french Dane Bowers, Dieter Brummer, Stefan Dennis, ou Matthew Kelly. Oui. Be careful, les dames, vous might get ‘burnt’. He he. Louis is only joking, I will not really burn you, although I may try and push you up on les worktop in les kitchen when you come into my Versailles palace after a night out. I may well call your knee boots, ‘hooker boots’ but it was your fault for wearing them, you sexy tease.

Alors, I did not know what I was going to be talking about when Dr. Ange asked me to come back due to your vociferous demands, all through the night. Louis is used to such demands, oui oui. Night after night I am demanded to do such practices as ‘the intrepid welshman’ ‘Electric Boogaloo-Electric Avenue’ and ‘coffee table literature’ by the royal mistresses. Did I mention that there were many of them? Well there are. Many. Oh, my sexual friends, you would not believe how many. But, je pense que that I would tell you about my illegitimate children, who are also known as ‘the Royal Bastards’. I thought I would tell you their names, but I tried to remember them all, but my sexy sexy brain was too tired from all my sexy-time practices, that I could not, so I just had to guess. One might be called Phillipe, I think. Or is that my worthless brother? Hang on…

There’s Randy, Michael, La toya…Oh no, that’s not them…silly, gorgeous, virile, Louis!

Hang on, mes petits, there’s Matt, Luke and Craig, oui, and then there’s Mark and Spencer, and petit LaShawonda et Chaka Demus, Pliers, Pato Banton and oh, hehe, CJ Lewis. If I had children I’d call them those names, so I think that they will be bon guesses.

Ok, time for your monthly star sign, my firm rumped amis:

Healthpoint the Arrow
When it comes to money a long term investment will yield better than a get rich quick scheme, or maybe a get rich quick scheme might work better than a long term investment, it’s not clear yet. You’ll have a cunning scheme that might save you money. You decide to wash less. Go for it! you’ll have way more cash than usual to go shopping with, or mayne your friend will, or someone who may or may not sit next to you on the bus/train/ ferry.

Look out: a one night stand could lead to a one night stand. Watch out for a sexy french king. He could open your mind substantially and possibly ruin you for all other men.

Oh, my stout friends, as toujours, I ‘ave so much fun here, mais, now I must away. The Pope-dog-bastard threatens to ex-communicate me again for making up another religion where I am the God and only sexy femmes may worship at my ‘temple of the third leg’.

a tout l’heure

your handsome, muscular Divine King

Louis xiv
xoxox

The Institute for Grinding and Bogling

 

 

“You crazy babe, Bathsheba, I want ya.  You’re suffocating, you need, a good shed” sang Black Francis.  And don’t we all agree with that sentiment? Of course.  Anyone would. That’s why WoS is the 5th most popular shed based blog after

1. Right Says Shed

2. Beds in Sheds

3.  Sheds in Beds

4.  Lord Rhomboid and his Shed Division

5.  World of sheds
In other matters, I have a proposal.  What we need in this country is an Institute of Grinding and Bogling.  This Instiute will fly in action should anyone be wrongly accused of ‘grinding’ and/or ‘bogling’ or any illegal grinding acts can be addressed by the proper channels. 
If someone is incorrectly accused of Grinding (haven’t we all been?  I know I have on at least 100 seperate occasions, each one more extravangant than the last) an application can be made to the Insitute to investigate.  This will be done by interviewing several sources (usually, Cardinal Mazarin, Cardinal Richelieu, le Dauphin and le Roi de Soleil) and reviewing video footage of alleged grinding.If allegations are largely insubstantiated, and injunction and legal proceedings will follow.  The slanderer will be dealt the punishment of watching MTV’s ‘The Grind’ until they can correctly idenitfy all 68 components of a ‘grind’.  They will then be forced to pull out all their eyelashes and categorise them into either ‘fluttery’ or ‘spindly’. 
I put it to you that such an insitute will save so much heartache and wrong doing in society.  Soon we shall all be able to roam the streets without fear of facing an illegal bogle.  no longer shall we fear being in a nightclub where some inebriated young chap decides to lock you in a ‘reverse unsolicited grind’ (this is a move where a gentleman approaches you from behind, so you can’t run, and puts his arms around you and then gyrates suggestively into your back).  Won’t the world be a better place? Won’t it make us all cry out “P’Tang Yang Kipperbang”.
and now I rest.  I feel all flushed now, and only essence of radiator water can restore my senses.
Until the next time, stay safe
 
Your pal in all ‘dance’ matters

Louis Xiv’s Horoscope Face

Tis I, le Roi de Soleil, come to furnish you with this new feature.  I first became interested in horoscopes after the Frondes stormed my bed chamber as a child.  I thought to myself ‘If only this could have been predicted  by the heavenly bodies, I could have avoided this angry mob storming my bedroom.  Consequently, this may have stopped my hatred for Paris and I could have saved a load of cash from NOT building another frickin’ palace in Versailles”.  Inevitably I turned to star-gazing as one does.  It was either that or the magic 8 ball. 
 
As we all know there are only 5 star signs: Germoloids the Plumber, Paul the Evil Nurse, Kezzathe Warrior Tart, Scabies and Brian the Cow.  Today’s most prominent star sign is Brian the Cow.  As we know, those born under Brian tend to be stupid beyond comprehension, so they may have some trouble understanding their star sign.  They might like to show this to a gentle and patient relative who has 3 hours to put aside to help them comprehend the vital importance contained herein. You may like to consider the use of visual cues, like a boiled egg with a syringe though it to symbolise the moon, and a Ped-Egg to symbolise the Galaxy known as ‘Bird, the Bailiff from Judge Judy’.
 
Brian the Cow

 

Today Neptune rises over Kwik Fit.  This in conjunction with Presto on the cusp of the Co-op in Dalston means that a stranger will remark on your trousers. Favourably.  Saturn aligning with Mutya from the Sugababes’ tattooed neck tells of an argument with your girlfriend over your facebook status.  A smelly bin awaits you on Thursday. 
 
Scabies
Scabies is a firey sign characterised by explosive diarrhoea.  Those born under Scabies tend to be of itchy temperament.  Their birthstone is cubic/olympic. 
 
Watch out, for a wellwisher wishes bad wishes, is a wishywashy way.  Someone will covet thy neighbour’s ox and thy neighour’s ass.  You will register on a free dating wesite where you will be contacted by ‘HOTLATINLUVER4u’.  Lucky you, as he will write completely in text speak and pepper this with emoticons. You will become incensed by the bad dubbing on the Bio Oil advert.  On Friday you will see a red car.
 
Well, I must be off, I’ve a war to start somewhere and some Huguenots to persecute. 
Until next time, stay Divine!
 
Your god-king
 
Louis xoxoxoxo