Louis xiv Horoscope corner part quatre

Yo yo, mes salopes!

It is I, King Louis XIV! Oh you sexy fools, you thought I was un rapper Americain avec my disrespectful mots pour les dammes. Je suis desole if I cause your noggins to be mashed avec Sexy Louis’ aggressive mais arousing using of language. It ‘as been a tres trying time for poor Louis in the Palace of Versailles. Cardinal Mazarin he ‘as become obsessed avec ‘Les X Facteur’ and we ‘av all been forced to watch. Me, my shit-tete brother, le Dauphin, all les royal bastards ( mes childers illegitimate) et my wife. Oh I can’t remember the silly bitch’s name. Hapsburg Jaw or something. Alors, Mazarin, he is a big fan of the little baggy trousered girl, who av not been eating her ‘orse burgers and snail ice cream, Cher. Mazarin he ‘as been drawing musical notes on ‘is ‘and like Cher to try to copy. Sadly, Mazarin ‘ee could not master a Treble Clef, and everyone thought ee had drawn Clippit, the microsoft office assistant on his big, fat spade like hand. Oh Mazarin! It reminded Louis of when ee go see Brother Beyond at Liverpool Empire. Oh, such fun. They were ably supported by hot gay lords ‘Seven’ who were not ever famous, mes oh, they commanded the stage. Louis, got ‘is hand signed by Keith from Seven as he clearly wanted to kiss the sun king’s hand. Oh, I nearly let him!

Alors, because I ‘av been danser dans le living room to ”ard knock life’ et ‘soulja boy’ I ‘ave began talkin comme les sexy gangsta like Akon, Shabba Ranks ou Simon Webb. I’m trying to find the words to describe ‘er without being disrepectful..ooh she’s une sexy BITCH. She’s a SEXY BITCH!

Ooh, Quel Dommage, I don’t know what ‘as got into me. Now I must away and try and knock this aggressive gangsta out of myself so I can get back to being sexy, sensitive Louis. I may go invade another country or persecute some protestants. Here is this month’s horocsope, you sexy beetches.

Leo the Walrus

This month expect to wear some clothes. A chance encounter could see you buying something from a shop. A stranger may ignore you and you may or may not notice. Someone close to you is looking at your arse. Your pants have gone up your bum.

Phone my horoscope line to find out why money is running through your fingers 

0889 69 69 threesome

 

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Louis xiv’s horoscopes, part deux

Bonjour mes petits!

Alors! Je suis ici, your regal ami, Louis xiv, back with my horoscope corner. I know I’ve not been ‘ere for a while, Louis fans, but I’ve ‘ad a terrible problem avec infestation in my state. You may be theenking, “oh louis, you gorgeous, mane haired sun-god-king, surely a leetle pest like une cock-a-roache ou un petit woolouse could not keep you away for so long.  You are tres strong et tres sexy”.  Oh, mes petits, you are so right mais so wrong. Yes, eet is vrai that I am indeed a sexy man thang and strong comme une powerful ‘orse like a shire ‘orse, mais, le infestation problem is not le teeeny tiny beasties! D’accord? No, my sexual friends, eet was le ‘orrible hugenots. You know them as protestants.  Either way they are total bastards. You may know the mother france is une catholic state, so bastard huguenots are not welcome, no.  I instructed my elite soldiers, le Dragonnades, to force them out of France by installing a dragonnade in every Hugenot household. Once ensconsed in le maison, my dragonnade forces the family to watch ‘Will & Grace” all day. He he he. Oh, I am soo evil. They leave pretty soon, I can tell you.

Alors, today’s horcoscope is Axel F, the Axelottle.

If you are desperate for someone to get in touch, be patient.  They’ve probably got a hectic social calender, or an impacted bowel, but that doesn’t mean they’re playing it cool.  They don’t like you. Girlfriend, men don’t play it cool. If they don’t get in touch they don’t like you. It’s probably that playboy soapdish, quite frankly. Mercury rising in Focus carpark gives you breath that smells of peardrops.

Someone close could reveal a big secret to a priest, or a friend, or maybe a parent. Or someone that’s not that close to you might, or even someone on the telly. Maybe on a soap.

Single? A fun night out may or may not see you cop off. If you drink enough, someone will do.

Oh, that was fun, n’est-ce pas? Oh, I’ve had such a great time here at le monde de sheds, avec Docteur Ange, mais, maintenant I must away. I have bored a hole in my mistress’ powder room and she is about to get a bath!

A tout le heur!

Louis xiv xoxo

Louis Xiv’s Horoscope Face

Tis I, le Roi de Soleil, come to furnish you with this new feature.  I first became interested in horoscopes after the Frondes stormed my bed chamber as a child.  I thought to myself ‘If only this could have been predicted  by the heavenly bodies, I could have avoided this angry mob storming my bedroom.  Consequently, this may have stopped my hatred for Paris and I could have saved a load of cash from NOT building another frickin’ palace in Versailles”.  Inevitably I turned to star-gazing as one does.  It was either that or the magic 8 ball. 
 
As we all know there are only 5 star signs: Germoloids the Plumber, Paul the Evil Nurse, Kezzathe Warrior Tart, Scabies and Brian the Cow.  Today’s most prominent star sign is Brian the Cow.  As we know, those born under Brian tend to be stupid beyond comprehension, so they may have some trouble understanding their star sign.  They might like to show this to a gentle and patient relative who has 3 hours to put aside to help them comprehend the vital importance contained herein. You may like to consider the use of visual cues, like a boiled egg with a syringe though it to symbolise the moon, and a Ped-Egg to symbolise the Galaxy known as ‘Bird, the Bailiff from Judge Judy’.
 
Brian the Cow

 

Today Neptune rises over Kwik Fit.  This in conjunction with Presto on the cusp of the Co-op in Dalston means that a stranger will remark on your trousers. Favourably.  Saturn aligning with Mutya from the Sugababes’ tattooed neck tells of an argument with your girlfriend over your facebook status.  A smelly bin awaits you on Thursday. 
 
Scabies
Scabies is a firey sign characterised by explosive diarrhoea.  Those born under Scabies tend to be of itchy temperament.  Their birthstone is cubic/olympic. 
 
Watch out, for a wellwisher wishes bad wishes, is a wishywashy way.  Someone will covet thy neighbour’s ox and thy neighour’s ass.  You will register on a free dating wesite where you will be contacted by ‘HOTLATINLUVER4u’.  Lucky you, as he will write completely in text speak and pepper this with emoticons. You will become incensed by the bad dubbing on the Bio Oil advert.  On Friday you will see a red car.
 
Well, I must be off, I’ve a war to start somewhere and some Huguenots to persecute. 
Until next time, stay Divine!
 
Your god-king
 
Louis xoxoxoxo