Making a house a home

A house just sin’t a home until you’ve installed your Ken Dodd shrine in your engine room. Seriously. Some people think it’s the addition of an OWL in a BOX in the anti gravity chamber, but this is factually incorrect. Owl in box in gravity chamber=cosy, but not homely. When will you people learn?

This only strenghtens my belief than you should continue reading this blog for continued diktats about how to live your life. Right, I’m off, I need to clean the bog.

Love and light

Survive being Single: Angel Gold from Myspace

I want to hear you holla, hear you scream my name, as the Spice Girls once sang (sans Geri Halliwell), but aside from that some of you may be SINGLE.

Yes.  This means you never go on holiday and noone cares whether you get home alright or how drunk you get when you go out with your mates.  YES! It also means that sometimes you buy Jammie Dodgers just to see a friendly face (Thanks Jeff Green, always reference your stolen gags, gag fans).

Some of you may be perplexed by this state of affairs so it’s only right as my duty as internet philanthropist, I show you some of the advantages of being single.

Advantages

1.  No one leaves wet towels on your bed anymore

2.  It doesn’t matter that your bathroom door handle is broken.

3.  No one walks over your white rug anymore with their shoes on.

4.  No one tampers with your car stereo or touches the buttons just to annoy you.  This also applies to the passenger seat of your car. 

5.  You don’t have to stay up until 1am on a work night having an ‘discussion’ (argument) until you finally relent and agree with them because you have to be up in 6 hours. 

6.  If you get really drunk when you’re out with your mates, no one sulks the next day because you didn’t phone when you got in.  As this obviously means that they mean NOTHING to you and are INSIGNIFICANT and you were too busy having fun/getting off with someone/snorting coke off supermodel’s backs.

7.  There are no shoes in the hallway unless you put them there.

8.  Your garage no longer has loads of shit in it (but sadly, no one to mow the lawn anymore). 

9.  You automatically lose a stone in weight.

10.  You remember that you had ‘hobbies’ once upon a time. Hobbies are things that take up time that are pleasurable and make you feel good about self for those in relationships. 

11.  You are allowed to go to parties where there might be people you have hithertonow snogged/dated before.  You are also now allowed to speak to these people without fear.

12.  You don’t have to pretend it’s OK when somone messes up/breaks your stuff.   

13.  You don’t have to worry about the age-old ‘photograph dilemma’.  You look hot on a photo, they look like a serial killer.  You want to display said photo as, hey, you look great and that’s what matters, right?  They want photo to be burnt unceremoniously under cover of darkness.  This can also happen vice versa.  You go around to their gaff and discover a photo of yourself gurning like a loon while they look like bronzed god/goddess. 

14.  You don’t have to pretend you like White Musk from the Body Shop anymore, as you’ve been bought it by their mum four years in a row for Christmas.

15.  Fellas, you can get that tattoo you always wanted that your girlfriend scowled at when you mentioned.

16.  The ‘whose mates do we spend New Year with? ‘ dilemma is avoided, as you know, your mates are better. 

17.  Fellas, you avoid the ‘Poppodum Dilemma’ completely.  You can now get poppodums without fear of them being stolen when you go for a curry.  Your girlfriend will insist they are ‘fattening’, then proceed to eat all of yours while she waits for her main course. The Wench!

18.  Girls, you can wear your ‘fake tan’ pyjamas any night you like!  You can also store nail varnish and perfume in the fridge to optimum application benefits.

 

Hope that clears things up for you.  Until next time

Dr. Angel’s computer game compendium

Tease me tease me tease me baby. Oh, that was too much, you’ve spoilt it.
 
Anyway, when I’m not teasing or being teased, channelling universal energy in the form of argos catelogues or writing in the dirt on the back of vans ‘dirt=hurt’, I oft find myself thinking about computer games. 
 
Now, some of you might have seen one of my regular contributors to the blog is Sir Clive ‘Funky’ Sinclair (his slogan is ‘say YES to PolYESter’) and I have fond childhood memories of zx spectrums.  This led to me and Sir Clive devleoping a new wave of zx speccy games that are more pertinent to today’s socio-cultural climate.  Ecce (look-non latin speakers) at the extensive selection available to own for only £4656585.99 in 79.999999 irregular installments.
 
  • Horace Goes Weeing: The latest zx spectrum game about urine dilemmas. Horace is Drunk in Skelmersdale and all the pubs have now shut. Can you help him find somewhere to relieve his bladder and avoid capture by the ‘Bizzies’ (the Police)?
  • Horace goes Keying. the latest zx spectrum game about anti social behaviour towards vehicles. Can you help Horace evade an ASBO?
  • Horace Goes E-ing: Horace starts university and finds it hard to fit in.  He starts to take drugs in order to endear himself to the ‘cool’ crowd and go to super clubs like Cream and Ministry of Sound and the Roxy in Sheffield.  Can you help him score some genuine pills? Help him steal £6 bottles of water and try to stop him throwing his sweaty body onto strangers, proclaiming “man, this is just, like, totally amazing.  I can tell we’re like, gonna be friends for ever.  I feel so much love for you”.  Help him beat end of level bosses such as the crap dealer,  the night club bouncers, and the club dj (make him play Josh Wink-Higher state of consciousness) and the university halls of residence cleaning ladies.
  • Horace Goes Me-ing: Horace starts to develop an inflated sense of self as one of his mates was in Hollyoaks once or something. Stop Horace developing narcissistic personality disorder by dodging mirrors, attending psychiatry appointments and stopping him from talking about himelf. 
  • Horace goes Being: Horace contemplates is own existance.  Help Horace with his existential dread by collecting and chain smoking Marlboro Reds and standing in slanty doorways, wearing a black polo neck.
  • Horace goes kneeing: Horace has low self esteem and joins a taekwondo club.  He proves his worth as a man by kicking women and children at his dojang. 

I hope you enjoy these excellent, contemporary games.

Blog of the Month

http://sherby57.co.uk/
“Because I’m worth it”

Sherby 57 is one of the best blogs by far on the internet. I don’t say this lightly, and I don’t say this because he is my friend. His blog is so good I made it my business to be his friend. Yes. That’s right and it’s scientific fact.

In the wonderful world of Sherby 57, read about the adventures of Fireheart!, learn about a hero called Dave Burley. He also co-writes ‘A hazard of Parsnips’ the best epistolary novel during the Zanussi Revolution. In the world of Sherby 57 alternate dimensions open up in front of your eyes, and artwork and poetry is presented for the delight of your eye devices. This blog makes me laugh eastwards.

If you make one blog a daily reading occurance (he updates it daily!) make it Sherby 57.

Angel Muzak

I am an artist in many ways.  Even just simple the way I breathe or pick up a pot noodle oozes ‘art’.  Some might say my very existence is art.  I express this art in many ways.  Sometimes I write short plays about cops, copping off, and copse, other times I write music.  Some of you may know that I am part of the infamous quartet ‘123 Bumming’ where I write tender love songs and perform them in many mystical ways too complex for you to fully conceive. 

Today I am giving you the opportunity to at least try to understand my ‘art’.  Today I bring you one of my most celebrated songs called ‘Muy Caliente’.

Muy Caliente is a tender love song based mainly on the effects of potent physical attraction.  Listen to it, and make it the theme for your life.  Upload it it your i-pod device and play it before the object of your affections comes around for a swinging party. Y’know, the girl you’ve had your eye on from the Abattoir. Yeah, the one with the lazy eye. 

  http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/1751802

Enjoy.