Mining the Archives, November 2005

Mining the archives finds me reflecting on one of my first forays to Carlisle, a place that later became a regular haunt of mine and where I met my current beau ‘The Cow’.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy my amusing reflections on the fair town. It may even result in you designing a competition to win Preston train station.

14 November 2005

 My sexy a** has got you in a new dimension

 and that dimension would be carlisle…more soon…telephone call. And so I’m back, afresh from my phone call from Radio 1 northern irish bum boy Colin Murray. He of course launched into full Jane Austen-esque dialogue with me, and asked me whether I knew who Noel Coward was. I replied, “of course, isn’t he in Emmerdale?”, to which Colin reared up on his hind legs and turned into a praying mantis. Anyway, AWoS fans, yea, my sexy ass did indeed have me and others within a 3 km locus (that’s just how powerful my ass is, I think it emits gamma rays and can only be stopped by lead) in the fair town of Carlisle this weekend.

Anyone who knows the fair town of Carlisle must know that it is a truth universally acknowledged by all of Carlisle inhabitants that the young ladies there give you looks of violence even if you so much as throw a a4 ring binder in their direction, not to mention a Andi Peters commemorative urethral wand! I kept mine firmly upon my person, as instructed in the handy leaflet ‘Andi sez urethYEAH!’. Anyway, here are some facts I gathered about Carlisle:

  • Carlisle is named after the isle of Cars off the East coast of Wales.
  • There are three packets of Berkeley Menthol to every gaylord in Carlisle
  •  Men in Carlisle are all hopelessly in love with me. FACT! This is largely due to my overuse of the words ‘Biere du france’.
  •  In Carlisle,apparantly, the girls “Don’t like the Argies and that’s just fucking that” when questioned why, you will recieve the answer “no reason, I just don’t like them. That’s that”. This will be accompanied by a look which can only mean they want to drink the fluid from the soda stream in your brain.
  • There are no laws in Carlisle, apart from ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours breville pie magic’. The penalty is a date with sodium permanganate.

Have you been to Carlisle, shed fans? Can you tell me any facts about it? Did a young boy called Andy try and hold YOUR hand? Or was it just me that he did that to? I await, with writhing eyes…

Louis Xiv’s Horoscope Face

Tis I, le Roi de Soleil, come to furnish you with this new feature.  I first became interested in horoscopes after the Frondes stormed my bed chamber as a child.  I thought to myself ‘If only this could have been predicted  by the heavenly bodies, I could have avoided this angry mob storming my bedroom.  Consequently, this may have stopped my hatred for Paris and I could have saved a load of cash from NOT building another frickin’ palace in Versailles”.  Inevitably I turned to star-gazing as one does.  It was either that or the magic 8 ball. 
As we all know there are only 5 star signs: Germoloids the Plumber, Paul the Evil Nurse, Kezzathe Warrior Tart, Scabies and Brian the Cow.  Today’s most prominent star sign is Brian the Cow.  As we know, those born under Brian tend to be stupid beyond comprehension, so they may have some trouble understanding their star sign.  They might like to show this to a gentle and patient relative who has 3 hours to put aside to help them comprehend the vital importance contained herein. You may like to consider the use of visual cues, like a boiled egg with a syringe though it to symbolise the moon, and a Ped-Egg to symbolise the Galaxy known as ‘Bird, the Bailiff from Judge Judy’.
Brian the Cow


Today Neptune rises over Kwik Fit.  This in conjunction with Presto on the cusp of the Co-op in Dalston means that a stranger will remark on your trousers. Favourably.  Saturn aligning with Mutya from the Sugababes’ tattooed neck tells of an argument with your girlfriend over your facebook status.  A smelly bin awaits you on Thursday. 
Scabies is a firey sign characterised by explosive diarrhoea.  Those born under Scabies tend to be of itchy temperament.  Their birthstone is cubic/olympic. 
Watch out, for a wellwisher wishes bad wishes, is a wishywashy way.  Someone will covet thy neighbour’s ox and thy neighour’s ass.  You will register on a free dating wesite where you will be contacted by ‘HOTLATINLUVER4u’.  Lucky you, as he will write completely in text speak and pepper this with emoticons. You will become incensed by the bad dubbing on the Bio Oil advert.  On Friday you will see a red car.
Well, I must be off, I’ve a war to start somewhere and some Huguenots to persecute. 
Until next time, stay Divine!
Your god-king
Louis xoxoxoxo