Louis XIV horoscope corner.

‘Allo!

Bonjour mes petits.

It is I, your libidinous leige, Louis. It has been a while since I have graced the pixels of Dr. Angel’s blog-age, the wretched mademoiselle! She say “Louis, I am too busy to write my blog” or “Louis, it’s freaking me out that a dead french king keeps texting me” and “louis I will not watch porn with you”. Ah, she is trop ennuyeux! If she didn’t have such a great ass, I think I wouldn’t talk to her, and really the dead bit, is a minor inconvenience.

So what have I been amusing myself with, mes petits? Well, it is been very boring here in Versailles. I decided that we would play a version of ‘come dine with me’ here at court. There was me, your sun-king, Cardinal Richelieu, Cardinal Mazarin and we invited Charles II of Spain (well, I invite he and his jaw-ha ha ha. Louis makes a little joke here as he is the product of excessive interbreeding and therefore disabled. His family really should have put it about a bit, comme Louis, eh?) and also the Holy Roman Emperor, as he always up for a laugh.

I was pretty sure I could win, being God’s representative on Earth. I was sure that mon dieu would see me right. Well, come dine with me was a disaster, mes petits. Charles II couldn’t keep his chin out of the food. When we found the Holy Roman Emperor’s handcuffs in his bedroom and Mazarin handcuffed me to the bedstead, sadly, the HRE did not find this amusant and ex communicated me from the Catholic Church-AGAIN. He always doing that. I mean, he is okay if we are all laughing at his bon-mots but if court laughs at him, he freakin ex communicates one of us. Last time, he ex communicated Anne of Austria because she accused him of ‘cutting le fromage’ in court. It took her two weeks to get him to change his mind, and it was only after she plied him with beaucoup de jagerbombs. The HRE loves a jagerbomb.

Anyway, mes petits, here is your horoscope.

Juan the Crab

Over the next month you will experience a range of emotions. At times you might feel really happy. Other times, you will know the dark recesses of the human condition. You may feel like this for a short time, or slightly, or considerably longer than that.

At times, you will need to forage for food. This will help you satiate your appetite. Venus rising in Scorpio means that you will not go hungry and you will probably buy some potatoes.

This month, friends will talk to you. But not constantly. There will be times they won’t be talking. Some times you will find yourself talking back. It will be a most unprecedented month.

Ring my horoscope line to hear about what potatoes you will eat this month.

Guilty Pleasures: Blog Tagging

The lovely Mr Shev has again tagged me in a blog challenge. He desires to know of my ‘Guilty Pleasures’ and I promised him I would furnish him with tales of such. It’s been a while since he asked me, but I’m determined not to let him down, like a hired bouncy castle that no one played on.

Read his excellent blog here http://mrshev.com/2010/12/09/guilty-pleasures/

Firstly, if you believe everything you read in FHM and Nuts,you’d think that all women’s guilty pleasures involved hanging around in your underwear putting rollers in your mate’s hair who has come around for a sleep over and is also in a similar state of disrobement.

Fortunately for you, the world, and FHM readers, this is not a guilty pleasure of mine. No. I’m going to spare the world the mental image of that burnt on your throbbing cerebral cortex and give you one much less harrowing.

My guilty pleasures mostly involves shit telly

1. Coach Trip
2. The Biggest Loser
3. Come Dine With Me
4. The Hotel Inspector
5. Britain’s/Australia’s/America’s/Wigan’s Next Top Model
6. Anything involving make overs (Gok Wan, Trinny and Susannah, Ten Years Younger pre Myleene Klass).

All of these I LOVE to watch. My other half just can’t understand why I do this

“You’re an intelligent lass, I can’t believe you enjoy this shit”

Oh, but Cowwie, I do. I love no-thinking TV. I HATE watching anything to do with work as it feels like I’m still in work. My mum, in a misguided attempt to inform me, will ring me up “Sheds (as obviously that’s my real name), there’s a programme on kids with Woolly Brain Syndrome  on channel four at 9pm”.

Right, then at exactly that time I will be switching over to watch “I used to look like a battered old hag but now I’m quite tasty” on itv2. Or CSI. There’s always a CSI on.

Which brings me onto my next Guilty Pleasure. CSI Miami.

Why, these shades are just so…(stands side on)heavy

Oh it’s just ridiculous isn’t it? Horatio taking his glasses on and off like some kind of ginger automaton programmed to save kids and stand sideways. Alex the coroner with her saccharine sweet tears and “Poor baby. Looks like Heaven couldn’t wait for you, angel” lines that make me shout at the telly. Cally Du Cane and her tight tops and ridiculously long hair to be left down in a scientific environment where it’ll just contaminate all of the evidence and crime scenes. I hate it but I love it.

I’m so guilty.