Mining the Archives, November 2005

Mining the archives finds me reflecting on one of my first forays to Carlisle, a place that later became a regular haunt of mine and where I met my current beau ‘The Cow’.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy my amusing reflections on the fair town. It may even result in you designing a competition to win Preston train station.

14 November 2005

 My sexy a** has got you in a new dimension

 and that dimension would be carlisle…more soon…telephone call. And so I’m back, afresh from my phone call from Radio 1 northern irish bum boy Colin Murray. He of course launched into full Jane Austen-esque dialogue with me, and asked me whether I knew who Noel Coward was. I replied, “of course, isn’t he in Emmerdale?”, to which Colin reared up on his hind legs and turned into a praying mantis. Anyway, AWoS fans, yea, my sexy ass did indeed have me and others within a 3 km locus (that’s just how powerful my ass is, I think it emits gamma rays and can only be stopped by lead) in the fair town of Carlisle this weekend.

Anyone who knows the fair town of Carlisle must know that it is a truth universally acknowledged by all of Carlisle inhabitants that the young ladies there give you looks of violence even if you so much as throw a a4 ring binder in their direction, not to mention a Andi Peters commemorative urethral wand! I kept mine firmly upon my person, as instructed in the handy leaflet ‘Andi sez urethYEAH!’. Anyway, here are some facts I gathered about Carlisle:

  • Carlisle is named after the isle of Cars off the East coast of Wales.
  • There are three packets of Berkeley Menthol to every gaylord in Carlisle
  •  Men in Carlisle are all hopelessly in love with me. FACT! This is largely due to my overuse of the words ‘Biere du france’.
  •  In Carlisle,apparantly, the girls “Don’t like the Argies and that’s just fucking that” when questioned why, you will recieve the answer “no reason, I just don’t like them. That’s that”. This will be accompanied by a look which can only mean they want to drink the fluid from the soda stream in your brain.
  • There are no laws in Carlisle, apart from ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours breville pie magic’. The penalty is a date with sodium permanganate.

Have you been to Carlisle, shed fans? Can you tell me any facts about it? Did a young boy called Andy try and hold YOUR hand? Or was it just me that he did that to? I await, with writhing eyes…

Dr. Angel Replies

Dear Lady Salt

You have indeed arrived on the very door that can affix the nosebag of knowledge to your snout. 

I have entered many a ‘hot body show’ and they are indeed elaborate and complex affairs.  Dare I say, almost a ritual. Hot Body Shows were invented in 1432 by Sir Special K who insisted on guests to his parties wearing red leotards, by which he would judge them on the well known dimensions of: goitre, guttage, truncheon, and haunces.  The Winner would be declared ‘the winner’, then everyone would down some thunderbird and run up and down the stairs, then do a ouijaboard, get freaked out then their mum’s and dad’s pick them up.

Today, few of Sir Special K’s traditions remain other than haunches and goitre. Truncheon and guttage have been replaced by the dimensions of sturdiness and attention seeking. Let me walk you through what you might expect:

You enter the hot body show through the Tuba monster section of Carlisle. Just next to the airport, home of Stobart Air.

You will be carrying a marrow with the words ‘thumbscrews’ implanted into it’s DNA.

The Hot Body Show will take place at ‘Carlisle Mike’s Beard Arena’.  You will enter by the ‘Wandering hand in a Sauna’ Gate.

The first dimension you will be judged on, of course, is haunches. There’s only one way for haunches to be and that’s powerful, like a powerful horse.   You will be asked to rear up, from your normal four legged rested state, onto your hindquarters, and pretend to throw an impertinent Orator off.  The judges will be looking closely for a flourish for your rear, and will be looking for tendons, sinewy. 

Tomorrow, dear Lady Salt, I will tell you about the further dimensions of goitre, sturdiness and attention-seeking.

That boy is in the bag!