Short Plays: Quirky, Tortured Romance

Another thrilling installment of my short plays. This time, I thoroughly explore the genre of the quirky, tortured romance. I think I may have made up this genre, but you know the sort of film. It would probably have that Cera fello in it or that girl from Juno or the fat one from Superbad (noone can accuse me of not doing my research).

I first explored this genre as part of Milk Bottle Manifesto (learn more about it here ) a cause championed by my good friend, and writing partner, Sherby57. I was tentatively experimenting with the genre and hit on something quite profound, I’m sure you’ll agree, unless you’re some kind of mental sub-normal.  On bended knees, Sherby implored me, like a man posessed to develop this life changing dialog, and I was compelled to comply, to at least save Sherby’s mental wellbeing.

So here it is. Tissues at the ready.


 She: I can’t help but love you even though you have a squashy face!
He: Maybe you love me because I have a squashy face.You won’t realise this until you date a normal faced fellow and find yourself missing my haunting visage.
She: OK, I’ll get back to you after that.
He: OK. See you later

Angel Art

Horace *sob* What have you become?

Sometimes people like to send me things. Mostly it’s soiled undergarments, other times it’s artwork they have done in homage to WoS.  Attached herewith is a ‘piece’ by regular contributor to my live spaces blog, Sir Clive ‘Funky’ Sinclair. I may have posted it before, but I can’t remember. Enjoy it again anyway and feel free to add your own artistic interpretation. Here’s my interpretation:

Here we can see that the artist shows Horace with his head slightly bowed in shame to symbolise Angel’s irreverance to the periodic table of elements. Across his ‘head’ an intrusive zx spectrum appears, to symbolise Angel’s intrusive thoughts about the hardware. Behind Horace we see a burnt out tyre that represents the questioning of taken-for-granted truths from a point of constipation. The artist does not ‘deny’ there are certain truths about a world of sheds, just that, it’s a load of made up nonsense, mostly.

A Sea Shanty

Dear sweet smelling WoS enthusiasts, all three of you.

Usually at this time of year I change my name to ‘Lady Freakathon the third’, join in marriage a Bontempi organ and Stefan Dennis and alter my internet dating profile to read the words ‘I like killing people with my bare hands’. I also like to pen a sea shanty from time to time. This particular shanty I penned on Crosby beach after being inspired by Anthony Gormley’s ‘Another Place’. Also, someone had written their name ‘Phil’ in the sand. I tell thee, I bet this ‘Phil’ character was rather pleased with himself eh? Writing his name in the sand n’ that. What a genius. In honour of this genius, I wandered about the beach shouting “PHIL!” at the top of my voice to see if anyone would turn around. It was also part-homage to the great ‘Phil’ himself that I just felt the pleasure of shouting his name, his name ringing in my head, his name filling my lungs, my every breath as I bellowed it out into the steel grey, heartless sea. Unforgiving, crashing against the torn, black, ragged rocks, bleeding, exhausted onto the shore…


 Er, yes, so this sea shanty eh?

A hundred Saturday Iron Men

There was a hundred iron men who looked out to the sea

 Each one privately wondering what was on telly

 One hoped it was strictly Come Dancing, one hoped for Top Gear

 but Top Gear isn’t on on a Saturday, it’s usually on a Sunday

 Heave Ho!

 Repeat until nauseous….

I’m sure you enjoyed that enormously. You may like to sing it to your mates at the abbatoir where you work.

 Yours, in all matters musical

123 Bumming! Do it Again

Those of you who regularly read this blog will have become transfixed by my tales of the band 123 Bumming! Of course you are.  Only a fool with some kind of mental problems wouldn’t. Many of you have sent me death threats demanding that I upload more tracks from their popular album ‘It’s all about hats and self publicity’.   Well, the wait is over Bumming! Fans for here is their latest song. ‘(I got) Wood’.


As you’d expect, 123 Bumming play their instruments with panache and precision, like that of some kind of foppish neurosurgeon and no hint of drunkness. However, this song is somewhat of a departure from their usual style. (I got) Wood is a crossover betwixt gangsta rap, hip hop and blues with a touch of Viz crudity. The result in not unlike NERD or someone else really good like that. Or even somone you can think of who is better.

(I got) Wood also sees Bumming! drop drums in favour of more random percussive elements like tambourine and woodblock. The result is a tune that you might use to woo a lover into your boudoir to watch you grate off the hard skin on your feet with your Ped-Egg.

Without further ado, I bring you (I got) Wood.

(I got) Wood
Words: Hans Fiddling
Musical concept: Iona Tombola
Rhythm Guitar/tambourine: Iona Tombola
Lead Vocals/blues harp: Hans Fiddling
Lead Guitar/Bass: Igor Biggun
Percussion/Backing Vocals: Bunty Snatch (new member!)
Percussion/Backing Vocals: Eva Gotalittlesomethingforya

Blog of the Month
“Because I’m worth it”

Sherby 57 is one of the best blogs by far on the internet. I don’t say this lightly, and I don’t say this because he is my friend. His blog is so good I made it my business to be his friend. Yes. That’s right and it’s scientific fact.

In the wonderful world of Sherby 57, read about the adventures of Fireheart!, learn about a hero called Dave Burley. He also co-writes ‘A hazard of Parsnips’ the best epistolary novel during the Zanussi Revolution. In the world of Sherby 57 alternate dimensions open up in front of your eyes, and artwork and poetry is presented for the delight of your eye devices. This blog makes me laugh eastwards.

If you make one blog a daily reading occurance (he updates it daily!) make it Sherby 57.

What the press say about 123 Bumming!

Cast your mind far, far, back, a bit further, no, a bit further…jesus can’t you remember past yesterday…to last week when I shared with you the celestial music of the heavenly orbs, also known as the band ‘123 Bumming’.  Learn more about them here

Since then, the press have predictably jumped on the Bumming Bandwagon and listened to their album ‘It’s all about hats and self publicity’ and reviewed it in the popular muzak press.  Here are just a limited selection as to what they are saying:

They smell like gas and they ratch through bins, but what I wouldn’t give for one night of passion with these guys.”
– Trumpet Arm, Pole Dancing for Pervs

“Listening to their tracks make me want to go through Stefan Dennis’ bins and then punch the air in salutation whilst crying out into the void “Don’t it make you feel good!””
– Yabbie Creek, Erinsborough News

“I love this band so much, I find myself having to text them three times in a row without a reply. This makes me the cunt. Everyone knows ‘three times makes me the cunt’.”
– Mr. Eager Beaver, Eager Texting and Sabotage

“Is it so wrong to be consumed with a love that burns like a surface of the sun for this band? No, and I’ll fight anyone with my bare hands who says it is.”
– Mr. Bon Tempi, Hammond Organs for You
“Now that I play 123 Bumming during every waking moment, my wife won’t leave me alone. Thanks 123 Bumming!”
– Ebeneezer Goode, Holding Budgies for Profit
When I first heard this band, I had to cough into a packet of bourbons. This inadvertently resulted in the Death of East 17’s drummer. ”
– Walkley Netto, Mr. T Weekly
“123 Bumming are so wrong, it’s right. They made me divorce my wife and marry a sea urchin! The sexy fucks! I lost my house and my car, but I just got the fuck on with it!”
– The Noble Gases, ZX Spectrum Fanciers Almanac (Apr 04, 8947)

“I feel so sexual when I listen to this band. Like I might punch a bouncer or anull a marriage!”
– Pac-a-mac, The Sleeping Bag Tribunal (Mar 03, 1754)

“Fuck Me!”
– Spinning Jenny, Crop Rotation Monthly (Feb 02, 1821)

“123 bumming make me howl with delight”
– Cardinal Richelieu, Copper Sulphate Monthly (Jan 01, 1591)
And so, there you have it.  However, Shedders, don’t take thier word for it, make up your own mind.  Tomorrow may bring more music from 123 Bumming! so stay tuned (not literally, you aren’t a radio or a CB system. I mean metaphorically.  Apologies if you are a radio system)

Angel Muzak

I am an artist in many ways.  Even just simple the way I breathe or pick up a pot noodle oozes ‘art’.  Some might say my very existence is art.  I express this art in many ways.  Sometimes I write short plays about cops, copping off, and copse, other times I write music.  Some of you may know that I am part of the infamous quartet ‘123 Bumming’ where I write tender love songs and perform them in many mystical ways too complex for you to fully conceive. 

Today I am giving you the opportunity to at least try to understand my ‘art’.  Today I bring you one of my most celebrated songs called ‘Muy Caliente’.

Muy Caliente is a tender love song based mainly on the effects of potent physical attraction.  Listen to it, and make it the theme for your life.  Upload it it your i-pod device and play it before the object of your affections comes around for a swinging party. Y’know, the girl you’ve had your eye on from the Abattoir. Yeah, the one with the lazy eye.