Mining the Archives, November 2005

Mining the archives finds me reflecting on one of my first forays to Carlisle, a place that later became a regular haunt of mine and where I met my current beau ‘The Cow’.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy my amusing reflections on the fair town. It may even result in you designing a competition to win Preston train station.

14 November 2005

 My sexy a** has got you in a new dimension

 and that dimension would be carlisle…more soon…telephone call. And so I’m back, afresh from my phone call from Radio 1 northern irish bum boy Colin Murray. He of course launched into full Jane Austen-esque dialogue with me, and asked me whether I knew who Noel Coward was. I replied, “of course, isn’t he in Emmerdale?”, to which Colin reared up on his hind legs and turned into a praying mantis. Anyway, AWoS fans, yea, my sexy ass did indeed have me and others within a 3 km locus (that’s just how powerful my ass is, I think it emits gamma rays and can only be stopped by lead) in the fair town of Carlisle this weekend.

Anyone who knows the fair town of Carlisle must know that it is a truth universally acknowledged by all of Carlisle inhabitants that the young ladies there give you looks of violence even if you so much as throw a a4 ring binder in their direction, not to mention a Andi Peters commemorative urethral wand! I kept mine firmly upon my person, as instructed in the handy leaflet ‘Andi sez urethYEAH!’. Anyway, here are some facts I gathered about Carlisle:

  • Carlisle is named after the isle of Cars off the East coast of Wales.
  • There are three packets of Berkeley Menthol to every gaylord in Carlisle
  •  Men in Carlisle are all hopelessly in love with me. FACT! This is largely due to my overuse of the words ‘Biere du france’.
  •  In Carlisle,apparantly, the girls “Don’t like the Argies and that’s just fucking that” when questioned why, you will recieve the answer “no reason, I just don’t like them. That’s that”. This will be accompanied by a look which can only mean they want to drink the fluid from the soda stream in your brain.
  • There are no laws in Carlisle, apart from ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours breville pie magic’. The penalty is a date with sodium permanganate.

Have you been to Carlisle, shed fans? Can you tell me any facts about it? Did a young boy called Andy try and hold YOUR hand? Or was it just me that he did that to? I await, with writhing eyes…

December 2005 Archives

 

06 December 2005

Dr. Angel’s Christmas wishlist

Ah, Shed fans!
 
It’s that time of year where I once again build a shanty town in my back garden and fill it full of children making the transition to high school and I write my list for father Xmas to bring me trinkets and baubles and assorted bling.
 
This year I have decided to share my Xmas list with you.  You porcine featured lucky lot!  I have decided, altruistically to do this as you may be stuck for ideas of what to buy your fat mam or your sister Sharon who lives on the rough estate.  I know you’ve never really “gorron” with her, but she’s family eh?  Blood’s thicker than water and other hackneyed lines they continually trot out in Eastenders relating to the seething silty pool that is genetic heritage.
 
Anyway, here it is, in all is round fullness:
 
  • A staffordshire bull terrier called ‘Roy’
  • nodes of ranvier
  • a set of strings and pulleys to allow my blood to be pumped only to my nodes of ranvier, thus causing a drought to all the new towns, as far afield as Skelmersdale!
  • the introduction of a system which requires everyone in the New Towns of the UK to acquire a license before spawning.
  • an attack of ‘the vapours’
  • a hot consumptive cheek
  • the Andy Crane commemorative urethral love egg n’ perfume combo coffret
  • shower pepper
  • a talking snake that bites people who tell me about their dreams.
  • a year’s subscription to either ‘the british journal of when men get hit  in the bollocks’ or ‘the international journal of when a man’s kilt flies up and he’s got nowt on underneath (illustrated)’
  • a minature version of the industrial revolution, featuring emmerdale’s Caine Dingle as the leader of the industrial revolution, Jackie Collins.
  • night vision goggles so I can watch my fat neighbour shout at her kids!
  • the Power of Love
  • a ride on that Rollercoaster Ronan Keating keeps fucking singing about.
  • an errant lover with an eye for, well, generally seeing out of.
  • The mask of Zorro.  There’s a lot of light comes through the wonky wooden slats that I’ve boarded up my window with.

what’s on your list?

Dr. Angel on the loose in 2005

As part of my ‘mining the archives’ series, I’m generously sharing more of my ‘gold’.  Today’s ‘gold’ comes via a post from December 2005 where I share my ‘short plays’ for you to enjoy. 

It was here in 2005 that I first introduced the pure animal magnetism and inherent rawness of the character Kowalski. Jesus, just thinking about him makes me all hot. hot like I’ve had a laptop on my knee for too long or hot like a can of Lynx Java on a bonfire outside the community centre. Keep your eyes peeled for more Kowalksi Adventures in the future.

Angel’s Short Plays: Add your own.

15.12.05

  Jesus, Kawolski, we gotta round up every goddam bum in new york city.  We gonna bust our asses until the jobs done, if my names not James T. Loose Cannon.

(bangs on door)

(shouts)NYPD!  NYPD, this is a bust!
2.  oh hello, do come in. 
3.  thanks awfully.
 
FIN
 
1.  Sweet Jesus, Loose-Cannon, my ass is on the line, I can’t keep covering for your fuck ups and this city is going to the dogs.  This morning I found a bottle of whisky in your goddam filing cabinet.  you better pull yourself together man and stop drinking or I’m going to pull you off the Jawoski homicide case!
2.  Sorry chief, don’t pull me off the Jawoski homicide! I’ll find out the nearest AA group and quit the booze.
3.  good ok.  See you later.

Adventures of the Doctor in 2006

As some of you eagle-eyed stalkery types will have observed, I’ve not been blogging much these days. The reasonage is two-fold:

1) I’ve got some godawful fatigue thing

2) I’ve been working hard on the book, a bridesmaid speech (imagine what my speech will be like!) and a writing project with Sherby 57 (stay tuned, it’s going to be immense).

I do feel incredibly remiss, in manner of an apathetic workhouse owner, so today I bring you a post from this month in 2006! In those days I was a bit more ‘blue’ and more ‘edgy’, thanks to the influence of Cannon and Ball on my writing style. I was heavily into them at this stage. It was only when I grew into my ‘Little and Large’ stage that my writing style mellowed and took a more eggy stance, like the one you see today.

Anyway, enjoy a rare treat from the archives. I should imagine I’ll be mining them for you every now and again.

28.04.2006

Dr. Angel’s Instructional Videos

Those of you who know me know that I regularly produce instructional videos to educate the unwashed masses (i.e. you) into the Angel system of working. I am the educator. I knock these titles out from my shed in the Bermuda Triangle (next to the Bermuda Octagon, just after the Spar and the burnt out pram) and now I can exclusively reveal to you the latest titles that you can buy when you get paid from working in the Carrot packing factory/sunbed salon/slaughterhouse.

Please send a cheque for £3875894594876.09999999 for each title plus one peseta p&p music factory to :

Angel Industries

Shed 99

 Bermuda Triangle

Wigan

the back seat of the car

 Level 42.

Latest Releases:

  • Need an excuse to touch girls up? Learn to tickle!
  • build your own eye of the tiger
  •  1 2 3 Bumming!
  • stopping radioactivity with paper
  •  MC Hammer presents chair bonkers!
  • Why reciting lines from comedy shows doesn’t make you funny by A. N. local radio DJ
  • Killing Chris Moyles> do it for mankind
  • Natural Selection: selecting produce made easy! Use the pointing method!
  • Dirty Ticket: giving blow jobs for ciggies
  •  Write songs like an adolescent by Hard Fi
  •  Mwah wha wha by Charlie Brown’s teacher
  • Tuba Monster Anatomy
  •  What is ‘old bumfun’?
  •  1 2 3 faeces!

And then, I just leave it hanging there. I don’t even attempt to round off the post and come to any conclusion. That’s how avant-garde I was in 2006. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. I certainly did. I get a great deal of satisfaction in admiring my own genius.

Until the next time, party hearty till the breakadawn.

x