Valentine’s Day Ideas

Oooh, Grab a spoon love!

Here at World of Sheds, we’re the romantic sort. The sort that thinks nothing of popping to aldi and buying a bottle of Toro Loco and a packet of multi grain bakes to treat the object of her affections. Yes, I know, it’s dizzyingly romantic. Imagine. Just imagine if YOU were my gentleman friend! I’d say all manner or erotic things in your ear like ‘occipital lobes’. Grr!

Anyway, to that end, I thought I’d share with you some ideas for a romantic night in with the object of your affections. Shh. Before you say it. I know. I get it. It’s me isn’t it? I’m the object of your affections. Sadly, I can’t spend the night with all of you this valentine’s day. For a start, I’ve work the next day and I’ve a nasty rash, so I’ll just try and get round as many of you as possible. Make sure you have a moonpig valentine’s card ready and some dustsheets. You might think of covering all the electricals also, as I’m not insured for my ‘practices’.

Anyway, on to the romantic night ideas, just in case you’re spending it with a lesser mortal.

Right guys, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that women love things that come in powder form. It’s obvious really. You’d have to be some sort of flat faced nazi to not know really. Is that how you want me to think of you?

So, when your lady comes home from work, why not treat her to a beautiful big bowl of dry Horlicks powder and watch her tuck in with glee. Feel those sensual shivers down your spine as you watch the dry powder get all claggy in her mouth. Then for the main course, it’s a bowl of Bird’s custard powder. She’ll know you love her. Sadly, she won’t be able to say “thank you darling!” as her saliva is completely dried up and sticking her molars together. I know, it’s turning you on just thinking about it. Just remember, girls love napkins folded in the shape of crude vaginas. Pop some wasasbi nuts in there too.

Hey. Skip dessert. Go on. By now you are both feeling as sensual as a pair of elephant seals on the coast, lead her by the hand to the groping chamber vestibule and lick lines of icing sugar off each other. If you’re role playing, pretend it’s naughty drugs! Imagine!

By this time, the chairs will be piling up downstairs and the appliances will all be feeling pretty disappointed, as is always the case on a valentine’s night. You’ve both really pushed the envelope. You’ve never felt so wrong with your powder based exploits. You naughty pair! Then, you wonder the eternal question. Would it be taking too far and ruin the mood if you gave her a spoonful of Nescafe? Other blokes girlfriends do it, and all the women’s magazines tell women it’s OK to try it and all the sisters are doing. Maybe just get her to try a couple of grains to see whether she’d like it. Let’s face it guys, she’d eat the coffee granules if she loved you right?

Enjoy yourselves.

the love doctor Angel.

Top Tips Part 3

Dear Dr. Angel

I’m really stuck and I don’t know where to turn. I’m a total slag, but I can’t seem to make people realise. I really would love to promote public awareness of my lack of sexual inhibitions, but I can’t seem to get the message through to my partner. I’ve tried snogging girls in nightclubs to get fellas to look at me, but it just doesn’t get that much of a reaction these days as everyone seems to be doing it. Oh Doctor Angel, what can I do?

Amanda, 27, Runcorn

Dear Amanda,

It’s tough being a slag. Not that I know, but I can imagine from watching ‘What Katie did next’ and I’ve gleaned some of this through watching ‘Club Reps’. It can be really frustrating when people don’t let on by, say, propositioning you with a seeded batch or frotting you as you rub yourself up and down a pillar, pretending to be a pole dancer, in Buskers night spot or Sylvester’s night club.

Amanda, the most direct route you can take into promoting public awareness is to put a playboy bunny motif on your Peugeot 206. Also, why not consider wearing either a wrist watch or a belly ring with this motif on it? Playboy motifs have become synonymous with loose morals, and this can’t fail to get your message across. Give a few blowies for cigarettes to really seal the deal.

However, please be aware that a playboy bunny motif DOES NOT make you attractive/kittenish. In fact, if you are remotely unattractive, the motif will only serve to exacerbate this ridiculous juxtaposition.

Hope that helps. Happy slagging.

Dr. Angel

Top Tips Part 2

So you’re in love with your new fella, he’s probably called Terry or Keith or Steveo or Dazza. The love you have for him is bubbling up inside you like a well and you want to express this love. But how?

If you’re like me, you’ve probably thought of expressing it in the form of contemporary dance or by writing it on the inside of your geography exercise book (you may even like to work out the percentage of your love by using an ancient and scientifically verified mathematical formula) but it’s more than likely that you’ve settled on the idea of tattooing your loved one’s name upon your person. What better way is there to express love. I can’t think of any and I’ve tried.

But wait! What happens if the unthinkable occurs? Your loved one’s eye roves and before you know it, Steveo is stepping out with the girl studying childcare at the local college!

Well, fret no longer, save the heartache and literally thousands of pounds in expensive tattoo removal costs, simply write your loved one’s name in biro on your person (it’s probably your arse or chest you were getting tattooed wasn’t it, ‘cos it’s a bit ‘sexy’ isn’t it. Woo).

When the love ends, simply wash the name away. You can write your new lover’s name in biro when you think to ask it the morning after.

Bad Romance

If you and I wrote a bad romance, what would be in it? I’m sure we could write one. I’ve had enough bad dates to be able to bring a significant amount of ‘research’ to the project.  I reckon if we did have a bad romance, eggs would feature quite heavily in it. The romance would probably start in an abattoir or a tattoo parlour. I’d be getting a packet of tampax tattooed on my upper arm.  I’d felt left out cos everyone in work had a ‘tat’. That’s what you’d call it. A ‘tat’.  That would piss me off immediately.

We’d go for a meal, at a carvery, even though you know I’m vegetarian.  You’d have a wee next to the table. You’d forbid me from saying the word ‘romp’.  You would say it gave you horrific flashbacks from when you saw ‘The boat that Rocked’. You’d have a point, but just mentioning that film would piss me off. Seeing the cover of that film in the video shop ruined my day yesterday. The boat that sucked a big fat dick. At some point in the date you’d probably cry. You’d tell me some long-winded tale about how you got Legionnaire’s disease on holiday in Corfu with your ex-girlfriend. You’d mention her quite a lot and say that she looks like Jennifer Aniston. You’d mention that you had the shits very badly. I’ll imagine you having the shits. The image will haunt me for three and a half months. I was also eating when you mentioned it. You won’t take off your crag hopper anorak throughout the date.

Later on in the romance you’d wear a jump suit. Constantly. You’d say ‘It makes my arse look like J-Lo’. You mean Joe Longthorne. His arse is nearly as amazing as Sisquo’s.  You will let me see your thong and you will also dump like a truck. In view of Lord Rhomboid. You absolute tease. You would cover the walls of my house with painted ‘proverbs’ in italics like ‘There are no strangers, only friends we are yet to meet’ and ‘if you want to drink longer, come earlier or ask for a bigger glass’ and ‘My jeans are very snug around the gentleman’s arena’.

What a bad romance. Perhaps we shouldn’t get off with each other at the local underage disco? Yes, I know you arranged it after Science class, but come on, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good. I’m sorry, but the boat that rocked is a truly awful film. And I’ve got an appointment for Wayne Carriger to touch my arse at 9.15 at the community centre.

Bontemptation at Work

You may remember that I’m championing a new word to enter the english language. The word is ‘Bontempt‘. You may have noticed some of my ‘followers’ and I using it, in what can only be described as, a ‘cavalier manner’.

Read more about ‘bontempt’ here: https://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/2009/12/16/joey-santiago-in-sheds-shocka/

Well, WoS fans, my thoughts about the cause entered the atmosphere and affected the collective consciousness.  The thoughts transcended my mortal body and were projected onto a heavenly screen. The gods, paused from the revelry of their ferrero rocher party.  The stopped. Bearded jaws, dropping, to marvel at the heavenly projection. A smile played upon their divine lips. I don’t know what game it played though. Not sure what games smiles play. I’m not a doctor of smiles, OK? I didn’t choose that module at university. I did English literature and read the boring ‘Wide  Sargasso Sea’.  Had I not made a bad decision, I might know. Just leave it OK? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Sigh.  Anyway, the Gods saw the projection, and before switching over to ‘You’ve been framed’ (the Gods love Harry Hill) they saw fit to return my thoughts back to me in a physical manifestation.  

Today I was leaving work and I was exiting the fire door, just for kicks. I stumbled over a box of musical instruments. This was the happiest of health and safety violations, for what should be contained in this serendipidous hazard?

Ecce!

Come hither, play me.

Come hither, play me.

Dare to dream, Shedders. Dare to dream. The Gods may be listening, if they’re not messing about with Seasonal chocolate.

Making a house a home

A house just sin’t a home until you’ve installed your Ken Dodd shrine in your engine room. Seriously. Some people think it’s the addition of an OWL in a BOX in the anti gravity chamber, but this is factually incorrect. Owl in box in gravity chamber=cosy, but not homely. When will you people learn?

This only strenghtens my belief than you should continue reading this blog for continued diktats about how to live your life. Right, I’m off, I need to clean the bog.

Love and light

Survive being Single: Angel Gold from Myspace

I want to hear you holla, hear you scream my name, as the Spice Girls once sang (sans Geri Halliwell), but aside from that some of you may be SINGLE.

Yes.  This means you never go on holiday and noone cares whether you get home alright or how drunk you get when you go out with your mates.  YES! It also means that sometimes you buy Jammie Dodgers just to see a friendly face (Thanks Jeff Green, always reference your stolen gags, gag fans).

Some of you may be perplexed by this state of affairs so it’s only right as my duty as internet philanthropist, I show you some of the advantages of being single.

Advantages

1.  No one leaves wet towels on your bed anymore

2.  It doesn’t matter that your bathroom door handle is broken.

3.  No one walks over your white rug anymore with their shoes on.

4.  No one tampers with your car stereo or touches the buttons just to annoy you.  This also applies to the passenger seat of your car. 

5.  You don’t have to stay up until 1am on a work night having an ‘discussion’ (argument) until you finally relent and agree with them because you have to be up in 6 hours. 

6.  If you get really drunk when you’re out with your mates, no one sulks the next day because you didn’t phone when you got in.  As this obviously means that they mean NOTHING to you and are INSIGNIFICANT and you were too busy having fun/getting off with someone/snorting coke off supermodel’s backs.

7.  There are no shoes in the hallway unless you put them there.

8.  Your garage no longer has loads of shit in it (but sadly, no one to mow the lawn anymore). 

9.  You automatically lose a stone in weight.

10.  You remember that you had ‘hobbies’ once upon a time. Hobbies are things that take up time that are pleasurable and make you feel good about self for those in relationships. 

11.  You are allowed to go to parties where there might be people you have hithertonow snogged/dated before.  You are also now allowed to speak to these people without fear.

12.  You don’t have to pretend it’s OK when somone messes up/breaks your stuff.   

13.  You don’t have to worry about the age-old ‘photograph dilemma’.  You look hot on a photo, they look like a serial killer.  You want to display said photo as, hey, you look great and that’s what matters, right?  They want photo to be burnt unceremoniously under cover of darkness.  This can also happen vice versa.  You go around to their gaff and discover a photo of yourself gurning like a loon while they look like bronzed god/goddess. 

14.  You don’t have to pretend you like White Musk from the Body Shop anymore, as you’ve been bought it by their mum four years in a row for Christmas.

15.  Fellas, you can get that tattoo you always wanted that your girlfriend scowled at when you mentioned.

16.  The ‘whose mates do we spend New Year with? ‘ dilemma is avoided, as you know, your mates are better. 

17.  Fellas, you avoid the ‘Poppodum Dilemma’ completely.  You can now get poppodums without fear of them being stolen when you go for a curry.  Your girlfriend will insist they are ‘fattening’, then proceed to eat all of yours while she waits for her main course. The Wench!

18.  Girls, you can wear your ‘fake tan’ pyjamas any night you like!  You can also store nail varnish and perfume in the fridge to optimum application benefits.

 

Hope that clears things up for you.  Until next time

Touch me! Touch me! I want to feel your body…

…as Sam Fox, eighties lezzer and chanteuse, once sang.  But enough of that WoS enthusiasts…

about this time of year my eczema flares up into the shape of the soviet union, I cancel all my goating holidays in the Ottoman Empire, Eurasia and Persia, and I write a strongly worded letter to the Holy Roman Emperor.  As autumn advances upon us like Gary Lucy, sour faced hollyoaks gaylord, you may like to take up some of the following suggestions.

1.  Why not rent out your nodes of ranvier for 13 pesetas per day? 

2.  Move all your posessions into a tube of Germoloids

3.  Shout in someone’s face “I am NOT a library and you CANNOT ‘browse’ over me, Sir!”.  Consider emphasising this by spraying spittle.  Or maybe a small amount of spew. 

4.  Start a street fight betwixt two WW1 war poets (I can recommend Siegfried Sassoon and Wilfrid Owen.  I’ve got a feeling that Sasson repulsed Owen’s adavances and the element of ‘thwartage’ will make for a good rucus).  Consider throwing some chickens into the melee. 

5.  Make an amourous advance on The Hapsburg Empire. 

6.  Get youself tested for artefacts, remnants and leftovers. 

7.  Invite a feeling of tension into your home. 

8.  Sculpt your body down the gym so it resembles a barrell.  Walk on your tiptoes and refuse to talk about the exchange rate mechanism until the object of your affections finally relents.  Follow this up by laughing in a cavalier manner as you walk away from people.

9.  Whenever you answer the phone do not attempt to disguise your voice but pretend you don’t know the person who’s calling, even if it’s your mum.  “sorry no, no Fred here, you’ve got the wrong number.  What number did you dial? Yes, that’s this number.  No, no Fred here. Take care now.  Bye”

10.  During a conversation, half way through,change accent. 

Let us know how you get on with that.

Until then, I remain your humble servant