Now, those of you who know me know that when I’m not writing songs listing the days of the week, and what I’m doing on those days, I’m assuming my alter ego of Sheds Sheddington, travel writer. My pal Sherby 57 had uncovered a possible conspiracy about the manufacture of England’s favourite vegetable, the humble yet romantic spud in his earth shattering post where do spuds come from?
This questions whether spuds are actaully manufactured in Burscough (the Jewel in West Lancashire’s crown). I was happy to assist in such investigations, as I have an inflated sense of self, and could add the following information about Burscough, knowing it intimately myself:
1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.
I have been literally inundated with faxes, ticker tape and bricks all desperate to know of the village of Burscough (pronounced ‘shoe fayre’) and more Burscough facts. I rise to the occasion, not unlike 80s pop combo gaylords, Climie Fisher, to furnish you with the following additonal facts.
4. Burscough is famous for the ‘Bryan Ferry Bar and Grill’ where the speciality dish is artex rostis nestled in a nest of nescafe.
5. Burscough is the home of dysentry.
6. Burscough was the place where chaka demus and pliers first met. They’d gone on a geography field trip to Martin Mere Wetlands Trust to sketch the wildfowl in their wetlands habitat and bonded over a mix up between a 2B pencil and a HB. Yes, it was as hilarious as it sounds. Their hit song ‘Tease Me’ is actually about chaka demus leaving both his and pliers Martin Mere membership cards on the sideboard at home, thus not being eligible for their 20% discount. It caused so much vexation that pliers was forced to knock one out in a camoflaged hide overlooking the greylag geese.
7. Burscough is latin for ‘don’t walk on the grass kidda, smoke it!’.
8. Burscough is most famous for showcasing the talents of the integral member of the band 123 Bumming!, vocalist and rhythm guitarist, Iona Tombola. 123 Bumming shot to fame in 1874 with their love song ‘Gentleman’s Arena’ a tender song about grabbing someone’s crotch. It captured the romantic, idealistic hearts of the nation and reached number 1 in the Ethel Austin charts.
9. Burscough has a dandyish elan.
10. Burscough once turned into a sexy pirate and tatooed a sexy pirate onto it’s own leg. The effect was like a mirror looking in a mirror and caused a tear in the very fabric of the universe. Through this very tear, ‘culture beat’, the real mcCoy, Dr. Alban and Haddaway were created as a direct consequence.
11. Burscough directly corresponds to the equation : Avon 24 hour on duty deoderant + skin so soft=bra for big girls.
12. If you were to take Burscough through customs, you would have ‘nothing to declare’, unless you were holding a copy of ‘crop rotation monthly’
13. In Burscough they favour hostess trolleys over microwaves.
14. All the women in burscough wear ‘Panache’ by Lentheric or ‘Tweed’. The men wear ‘Dunhill’ or ‘kouros’. They beleive these fragrances to have some sort of ‘sexual voodoo’.
15. Paula Abdul has been manufactured in Burscough since the Great Fire of St. Helen’s in 1795.
16. Burscough has never been to Brazil, but it has been to Nando’s.
more Burscough facts to follow…or add your own…