The Burscough Conspiracy

Now, those of you who know me know that when I’m not writing songs listing the days of the week, and what I’m doing on those days,  I’m assuming my alter ego of Sheds Sheddington, travel writer.  My pal Sherby 57 had uncovered a possible conspiracy about the manufacture of England’s favourite vegetable, the humble yet romantic spud  in his earth shattering post where do spuds come from?  This questions whether spuds are actaully manufactured in Burscough (the Jewel in West Lancashire’s crown).  I was happy to assist in such investigations, as I have an inflated sense of self, and could add the following information about Burscough, knowing it intimately myself:
 
1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.
 
I have been literally inundated with faxes, ticker tape and bricks all desperate to know of the village of Burscough (pronounced ‘shoe fayre’) and more Burscough facts.  I rise to the occasion, not unlike 80s pop combo gaylords, Climie Fisher, to furnish you with the following additonal facts.
 
4.  Burscough is famous for the ‘Bryan Ferry Bar and Grill’ where the speciality dish is artex rostis nestled in a nest of nescafe.
5.  Burscough is the home of dysentry.
6.  Burscough was the place where chaka demus and pliers first met.  They’d gone on a geography field trip to Martin Mere Wetlands Trust to sketch the wildfowl in their wetlands habitat and bonded over a mix up between a 2B pencil and a HB.  Yes, it was as hilarious as it sounds.  Their hit song ‘Tease Me’ is actually about chaka demus leaving both his and pliers Martin Mere membership cards on the sideboard at home, thus not being eligible for their 20% discount.  It caused so much vexation that pliers was forced to knock one out in a camoflaged hide overlooking the greylag geese.
7.  Burscough is latin for ‘don’t walk on the grass kidda, smoke it!’.
8.  Burscough is most famous for showcasing the talents of the integral member of the band 123 Bumming!, vocalist and rhythm guitarist, Iona Tombola.  123 Bumming shot to fame in 1874 with their love song ‘Gentleman’s Arena’ a tender song about grabbing someone’s crotch.  It captured the romantic, idealistic hearts of the nation and reached number 1 in the Ethel Austin charts. 
9.  Burscough has a dandyish elan.
10.  Burscough once turned into a sexy pirate and tatooed a sexy pirate onto it’s own leg.  The effect was like a mirror looking in a mirror and caused a tear in the very fabric of the universe.  Through this very tear, ‘culture beat’, the real mcCoy, Dr. Alban and Haddaway were created as a direct consequence.
11.  Burscough directly corresponds to the equation :  Avon 24 hour on duty deoderant + skin so soft=bra for big girls.
12.  If you were to take Burscough through customs, you would have ‘nothing to declare’, unless you were holding a copy of ‘crop rotation monthly’
13.  In Burscough they favour hostess trolleys over microwaves.
14.  All the women in burscough wear ‘Panache’ by Lentheric or ‘Tweed’.  The men wear ‘Dunhill’ or ‘kouros’.  They beleive these fragrances to have some sort of ‘sexual voodoo’.
15.  Paula Abdul has been manufactured in Burscough since the Great Fire of St. Helen’s in 1795.
16.  Burscough has never been to Brazil, but it has been to Nando’s.
more Burscough facts to follow…or add your own…

Stefan Dennis round at Angel’s gaff shocka!

It was a beautiful stagnant morning. I looked out of my window to see the
postman shitting in a burnt out tyre just outside my door. He gave me the
v’s when he caught me looking and this experience really set me up for the
day. I knew I was bulletproof and nothing could soil my sunny disposition.

I reached into the value bin bags ,where I keep all my best clothes, for my
favourite tracksuit and striped t-shirt ensemble that enhanced my gunt to
perfection. Acres if gunt goodness protruded below my waistand. I admired
my reflection and fought the urge to knock one out, shedders, that’s how hot
I was. I reached for my faux leatherette bomber jacket and pulled my hair
into a scalp crucifying ponytail. I was just about to leave the house to
have a look at the burnt out tyre that the postie had crapped in, when
Stefan Dennis starts walking down my estate. He was all neckerchieved up
and his slashed jeans showed an abundance of hairy leg. He says "G’day" to
me and I pretended to pick the scabs off my knuckles. He persists, the mealy
mouthed fool that he is. "I said G’day" he ventured. "Oh I hear you" I
obstreporously replied " but I thought I told you you’re not allowed to come
near me as decreed by the papal bull issued in 1704. You tried to invade
France remember? You admired their national preponderance of wearing
neckerchiefs and their backpack wearing sensibilties. You wanted to
sexually posess them as a nation, you sick fuck". "Yes" Dennis blurted
excitedly, "but I heard that there’s a great burnt out tyre to shit in
outside your gaff and I couldn’t fight the urge any longer". His eyes were
writhing in his head and I noticed a distinct v shaped sweat stain on his
t-shirt. Depsite the terrible atrocities Dennis had commited in France,
such as installing discrete tombolas in every home and making the French
sing "Don’t it make you feel good" every time they washed their hands (even
after a wee!) there was no denying that preventing Dennis from seeing the
burnt out tyre was barbaric and a punishment far weightier than his French
atrocities.

"There it is" I sighed, pointing at the burnt out tyre fatalisitically. "Knock yourself out"

I turned away as Dennis lowered his trousers. I let him have his moment.