Import/Export

And so livespaces is finally giving up the ghost and turning itself in to the blog police for crimes against blogging. Must say I feel a bit bad for the old fella. I can’t help but raise as a smile when I view the lurid pink eye assualt of my old blog and the way you could arrange your ‘modules’ where I could concoct the most ridiculous lists that my strange mind could concieve.

I’m also vastly fond of it as this is the first place I found my ‘voice’ as a blogger. After a couple of years writing surreal posts on a discussion board, I felt that I wanted to write something that I could drive solely and the discussion boards had served me well in helping me carve out and create a persona with various idiosyncrasies and an extensive back story.

Blogging was a tremdous escape/avoidance as I mentioned in my previous post https://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/2010/09/14/new-resolutions-brave-new-sheds/

and I discovered some genuinely gut wrenching funny people through livespaces.

However, the frustration with livespaces was the inability to track your comments and to see whether anyone had replied to you. There’s also a huge amount of spam comments with links to korean porn or something which you’d have to delete (or forward to some open minded friends).

So, here I sit, anxiously waiting for my old blog to import into my new blog, like two worlds colliding. When I first started this wordpress blog I would copy and paste into livespaces and then I became enveloped in my long-time associate-apathy.

So, don’t be surprised if you see some duplicate posts, and don’t be surprised if you start coming across some totally off the wall, slightly blue stuff. It was very much 0f-the-era in a sense of humour style that evolved in that internet forum. As a much older, wiser and responsible (boring) Angel, I feel a bit more ‘responsible’ in terms of content! I know. Social conscience- a luxury of being in your thirties.

Anyway, be intersted to see what you think of  the old WoS. I’m vastly fond of it, and I hope you learn to love it too.

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Time Machine

Sometimes things happen in real life that are more random than even I can make up (yes, I’m sorry, some of this blog IS made-up. I know. Can you countenance it?).

Went for tea at my mum and dad’s tonight and they’d laid a small post it note next to my meal. It read in pencilled capital letters

‘NO THANKS YOUR IMPERIAL BOURBOSITY’

Apparantly I had written it, and it had lay dormant in the lego, that my mum had resurrected when my baby nephew came around. Not sure why. One month olds don’t tend to go for lego, what with not even being to hold up their own heads. The chances that they’ll make a lego sweet shop are marginal.

My sister has a scarily good memory and told my puzzled parents that I had written this divine randomness. It was like a surreal archealogical dig. Instead of soil-lego, and and instead of valuable things, a load of bobbins that I wrote approximately 18 years ago.

Think mum and dad are probably going to frame it.

December 2006 Archive

19 December

Things I inexplicably hate

Some things make you feel like gnawing your hand off, and much like how Hollyoaks continues to be commissioned, no one really understands why.  Hark!  Bear witness to the majestic glory of your favourite internet doctor and man magnet, Dr. Angel, as she recounts her own list of inexplicable bile.  Do not be afraid, my little Paulo Nutinis, for you too can add you bile-inducing atrocities for others to witness, validate and add their own personal reflections, resonances, and stupid ignorant scrawlings. 

  • Sarah Jessica Parker’s open mouthed gasp on the ‘Lovely’ perfume advert.
  • Hollyoaks calendars (this isn’t all that inexplicable really)
  • Chris Moyles’ new ‘book’
  • People serving you in shops who won’t look at you whilst they are in the serving process.  Not good with people?  Then work in an abbatoir.
  • The phrase “at the end of the day”. Nghghghghghghghghghghghhghghghghghghh!
  • The phrase “fair play”, or equally overuse of the phrase “to be fair”
  • People who use the word “yourself” when it should be “you”.  “would you like anything for yourself?”.  It’s YOU.  YOU!
  • People who have to be ‘looked after’ when they sniff the babycham
  • People who can sing well on Kareoke
  • Shop assistants who ask you if you need help as soon as you get in the shop.  I don’t know whether I need help yet, I’ve only just got here. I seemed to get through the door alright, so chances are, I’ll just about pull through.
  • Nicole Kidman (and especially her Chanel advert…”I’m a dancer!”)
  • Mariah Carey
  • Secret Santa-I have enough tat in my airing cupboard.  Thanks. 
  • The phrase ‘Jacob’s Join/t’ to describe a meal where each person brings something.
  • People who mix metaphors. “I’m not the brightest tool in the box”
  • The fact that once I start watching a crap film, I have to see it to the end.  I wish I could stop wasting my life this way.
  • Friends who talk about wanting babies every time I see them.  Way to go the reinforce the stereotype of women as baby making machines who only purpose in life is to reproduce then bore the arse off every one in work talking about offsprings boring minutae.
  • The word ‘pouch’
  • Small talk.  I don’t care where you live or where you work.  I don’t care about what Joshua said last night.
  • People who recount an event in infinite detail “so then I asked him if he wanted a cup of tea, and he said yeah, and then he said, no I’ll have a coffee.  Think this was Tuesday, no it was Wednesday ‘cos I was going to get my hair done that day and my hairdresser had to cancel because her mum always gets sick on a Wednesday.  Then I put the kettle on, and I noticed that…..” NGHGGHGFGHHGHGHGH!!!!
  • People who use the phrase ” Then he turned around and said” and it’s vile partner “then I turned around to him and said”.  I have a mental picture of people spinning around every time it’s their turn to talk.
  • Katie Holmes, and the way she talks out the side of her mouth.
  • Dawson’s Creek
  • The OC, and I’ve never seen it.  But I know I hate it, that and ‘Lost’.
  • Nicholas Cage
  • People who GRIP your arm when they are talking to you.
  • People who say “Hi” every time you pass them in the corridor.  We’ve said hello once this morning.  It’s not like every time you see me you are being born again for the very first time.
  • People who talk to you at the gym.  I feel uncomfotable talking to people when I’m clad entirely in lycra.  It feels that I’m just one gentle gust of wind away from being naked.

Now, WoS enthusiasts, what irritates YOUR nodes of Ranvier?

Mining the Archives, November 2005

Mining the archives finds me reflecting on one of my first forays to Carlisle, a place that later became a regular haunt of mine and where I met my current beau ‘The Cow’.  I’m sure you’ll enjoy my amusing reflections on the fair town. It may even result in you designing a competition to win Preston train station.

14 November 2005

 My sexy a** has got you in a new dimension

 and that dimension would be carlisle…more soon…telephone call. And so I’m back, afresh from my phone call from Radio 1 northern irish bum boy Colin Murray. He of course launched into full Jane Austen-esque dialogue with me, and asked me whether I knew who Noel Coward was. I replied, “of course, isn’t he in Emmerdale?”, to which Colin reared up on his hind legs and turned into a praying mantis. Anyway, AWoS fans, yea, my sexy ass did indeed have me and others within a 3 km locus (that’s just how powerful my ass is, I think it emits gamma rays and can only be stopped by lead) in the fair town of Carlisle this weekend.

Anyone who knows the fair town of Carlisle must know that it is a truth universally acknowledged by all of Carlisle inhabitants that the young ladies there give you looks of violence even if you so much as throw a a4 ring binder in their direction, not to mention a Andi Peters commemorative urethral wand! I kept mine firmly upon my person, as instructed in the handy leaflet ‘Andi sez urethYEAH!’. Anyway, here are some facts I gathered about Carlisle:

  • Carlisle is named after the isle of Cars off the East coast of Wales.
  • There are three packets of Berkeley Menthol to every gaylord in Carlisle
  •  Men in Carlisle are all hopelessly in love with me. FACT! This is largely due to my overuse of the words ‘Biere du france’.
  •  In Carlisle,apparantly, the girls “Don’t like the Argies and that’s just fucking that” when questioned why, you will recieve the answer “no reason, I just don’t like them. That’s that”. This will be accompanied by a look which can only mean they want to drink the fluid from the soda stream in your brain.
  • There are no laws in Carlisle, apart from ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbours breville pie magic’. The penalty is a date with sodium permanganate.

Have you been to Carlisle, shed fans? Can you tell me any facts about it? Did a young boy called Andy try and hold YOUR hand? Or was it just me that he did that to? I await, with writhing eyes…

December 2005 Archives

 

06 December 2005

Dr. Angel’s Christmas wishlist

Ah, Shed fans!
 
It’s that time of year where I once again build a shanty town in my back garden and fill it full of children making the transition to high school and I write my list for father Xmas to bring me trinkets and baubles and assorted bling.
 
This year I have decided to share my Xmas list with you.  You porcine featured lucky lot!  I have decided, altruistically to do this as you may be stuck for ideas of what to buy your fat mam or your sister Sharon who lives on the rough estate.  I know you’ve never really “gorron” with her, but she’s family eh?  Blood’s thicker than water and other hackneyed lines they continually trot out in Eastenders relating to the seething silty pool that is genetic heritage.
 
Anyway, here it is, in all is round fullness:
 
  • A staffordshire bull terrier called ‘Roy’
  • nodes of ranvier
  • a set of strings and pulleys to allow my blood to be pumped only to my nodes of ranvier, thus causing a drought to all the new towns, as far afield as Skelmersdale!
  • the introduction of a system which requires everyone in the New Towns of the UK to acquire a license before spawning.
  • an attack of ‘the vapours’
  • a hot consumptive cheek
  • the Andy Crane commemorative urethral love egg n’ perfume combo coffret
  • shower pepper
  • a talking snake that bites people who tell me about their dreams.
  • a year’s subscription to either ‘the british journal of when men get hit  in the bollocks’ or ‘the international journal of when a man’s kilt flies up and he’s got nowt on underneath (illustrated)’
  • a minature version of the industrial revolution, featuring emmerdale’s Caine Dingle as the leader of the industrial revolution, Jackie Collins.
  • night vision goggles so I can watch my fat neighbour shout at her kids!
  • the Power of Love
  • a ride on that Rollercoaster Ronan Keating keeps fucking singing about.
  • an errant lover with an eye for, well, generally seeing out of.
  • The mask of Zorro.  There’s a lot of light comes through the wonky wooden slats that I’ve boarded up my window with.

what’s on your list?

Dr. Angel on the loose in 2005

As part of my ‘mining the archives’ series, I’m generously sharing more of my ‘gold’.  Today’s ‘gold’ comes via a post from December 2005 where I share my ‘short plays’ for you to enjoy. 

It was here in 2005 that I first introduced the pure animal magnetism and inherent rawness of the character Kowalski. Jesus, just thinking about him makes me all hot. hot like I’ve had a laptop on my knee for too long or hot like a can of Lynx Java on a bonfire outside the community centre. Keep your eyes peeled for more Kowalksi Adventures in the future.

Angel’s Short Plays: Add your own.

15.12.05

  Jesus, Kawolski, we gotta round up every goddam bum in new york city.  We gonna bust our asses until the jobs done, if my names not James T. Loose Cannon.

(bangs on door)

(shouts)NYPD!  NYPD, this is a bust!
2.  oh hello, do come in. 
3.  thanks awfully.
 
FIN
 
1.  Sweet Jesus, Loose-Cannon, my ass is on the line, I can’t keep covering for your fuck ups and this city is going to the dogs.  This morning I found a bottle of whisky in your goddam filing cabinet.  you better pull yourself together man and stop drinking or I’m going to pull you off the Jawoski homicide case!
2.  Sorry chief, don’t pull me off the Jawoski homicide! I’ll find out the nearest AA group and quit the booze.
3.  good ok.  See you later.

Adventures of the Doctor in 2006

As some of you eagle-eyed stalkery types will have observed, I’ve not been blogging much these days. The reasonage is two-fold:

1) I’ve got some godawful fatigue thing

2) I’ve been working hard on the book, a bridesmaid speech (imagine what my speech will be like!) and a writing project with Sherby 57 (stay tuned, it’s going to be immense).

I do feel incredibly remiss, in manner of an apathetic workhouse owner, so today I bring you a post from this month in 2006! In those days I was a bit more ‘blue’ and more ‘edgy’, thanks to the influence of Cannon and Ball on my writing style. I was heavily into them at this stage. It was only when I grew into my ‘Little and Large’ stage that my writing style mellowed and took a more eggy stance, like the one you see today.

Anyway, enjoy a rare treat from the archives. I should imagine I’ll be mining them for you every now and again.

28.04.2006

Dr. Angel’s Instructional Videos

Those of you who know me know that I regularly produce instructional videos to educate the unwashed masses (i.e. you) into the Angel system of working. I am the educator. I knock these titles out from my shed in the Bermuda Triangle (next to the Bermuda Octagon, just after the Spar and the burnt out pram) and now I can exclusively reveal to you the latest titles that you can buy when you get paid from working in the Carrot packing factory/sunbed salon/slaughterhouse.

Please send a cheque for £3875894594876.09999999 for each title plus one peseta p&p music factory to :

Angel Industries

Shed 99

 Bermuda Triangle

Wigan

the back seat of the car

 Level 42.

Latest Releases:

  • Need an excuse to touch girls up? Learn to tickle!
  • build your own eye of the tiger
  •  1 2 3 Bumming!
  • stopping radioactivity with paper
  •  MC Hammer presents chair bonkers!
  • Why reciting lines from comedy shows doesn’t make you funny by A. N. local radio DJ
  • Killing Chris Moyles> do it for mankind
  • Natural Selection: selecting produce made easy! Use the pointing method!
  • Dirty Ticket: giving blow jobs for ciggies
  •  Write songs like an adolescent by Hard Fi
  •  Mwah wha wha by Charlie Brown’s teacher
  • Tuba Monster Anatomy
  •  What is ‘old bumfun’?
  •  1 2 3 faeces!

And then, I just leave it hanging there. I don’t even attempt to round off the post and come to any conclusion. That’s how avant-garde I was in 2006. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the trip down memory lane. I certainly did. I get a great deal of satisfaction in admiring my own genius.

Until the next time, party hearty till the breakadawn.

x