Different psychological therapies explained

People are often confused about the world of psychological therapies. Which one should you have? What is the difference between each one? What is the philosophical essence behind each one? How do I know I need it.

Believe me. You need it.

Here at World of Sheds, I consider it my civic duty to cut through all the jargon and explain it in clear, no nonsense talk so you can make an informed decision about which therapy will cure your pissing in public phobia.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy: Your thinking’s fucked
Psychodynamic Therapy: your parents’ fucked you over
Cognitive Analytic Therapy: you fuck relationships up, subconsciously, because your parents fucked you over.
Narrative Therapy: Society’s fucked
Systemic Therapy: your family’s fucked
Solution Focused Therapy: Nothing’s fucked, you just can’t see it yet. YOU’RE AWESOME!
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy: your shit’s fucked up all over the place. I’ll be cold to you until you do something adaptive, then I’ll be lovely to you.
Behaviour Therapy: the reward/ punishment systems of the people who take care of you are fucked.
Structural Therapy: your parents need to be more in charge or you’re FUCKED.
Strategic Therapy: your solutions to your problems are all fucked up and contributing to you being further fucked than you were already.

I trust that will suffice.