Further Forays into writing to Tetley

Dear Gaffer

I placed an order for nearly 30 quids worth of earl grey and vanilla. I have been without this precious beverage for far too long now since the ignorant swines at Morrisons stopped stocking it.
I placed my order on 19.8.14 and payment was taken on the same day by paypal. Paypal have send a receipt to confirm that payment has been taken. However, it has been ten days now and no sign of my precious cargo. I don’t think I can stress enough of how much I am addicted to this. I hope Sidney hasn’t been sneaking crystal meth into the blending room. Suffice to say, each day I am without my precious EG&V a part of my soul withers and dies. No pressure, Gaffer, but y’know, I’m in pain here.
Please can you advise.

World of Sheds

THE REPLY(devoid of Tetley’s usual sprinkling of humour)
Thanks for your email about the order you placed on our on-line shop for Tetley Earl Grey & Vanilla. I’m sorry you haven’t received your order yet but we’ve been temporarily out of stock. A delivery arrived on Friday 29th August so all outstanding orders have been sent out.

Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused 


We regret to inform you that ‘The Gaffer’ stopped by your house today for a personal delivery of your apparently essential E, G & V Tetley tea bags. Unfortunately you were not on the premises and he had the pleasure of encountering a white feline creature accompanied by a large fat bitch while attempting a safe drop off in propoprieated yodel van.

Your husband has recently assured us that ‘Jabba the hut’ has stayed true to her word on holding said cargo safely and has sent one of her minions round with it to avoid conflict.

All the best.

Tetley Tea Folk.

PS. This package is the size of a small shopping centre and we hope to not hear from you for at least 4 weeks.


Dear Tetley Tea Folk

I was shopping on your on line shop today and saw that my precious earl grey and Vanilla is ‘limited stock’. Please please please tell me that production of this amazing beverage is not going to stop. I don’t think I will be able to cope safely through life without it.

Please advise further. I am already heartbroken I can’t buy this in Morrisons any more. I have to send regular tea parcels to my friend in Peebles with Earl Grey and Vanilla in it. Surely the nation cannot be deprived of this life-preserving bezoar?

While I’m writing, can I also mention that around 2004 you used to do a ‘calming’ blend of black tea with lemon balm and other ‘herbal’ tinctures (I’m not going to ask what made it calming, but suffice to say that Sidney always looks a bit tuned in). Any chance Gaffer will be bringing it back in the near future? It’s all green tea these days. Green tea is really horrible and everyone is doing it.

Thanks a lot



Thanks for your email, yes I am sorry but once the Earl Grey and Vanilla has gone it’s gone so yes limited distribution!! I am sorry but there simply isn’t a demand for this product any more. Tetley Calming was discontinued a few years ago and there are no further stocks. I’ll pop some samples in the post to you today of our current range, if you would like to send me your address.

Kind regards

Consumer Services Advisor


Dear xxxxx

this is grave news indeed. I fear for my safety and the safety of my loved ones at this turn of events. I’ve just tried to wrestle with my husband in abject grief. Thankfully he is 6 foot 8 so it was like a butterfly wrestling a elephant, but does Gaffer want this on his hands? Surely not?

Can you please advise me how much is left, because I think I might have to buy it all. I have no idea where I will store it because I live in a tiny semi detached house in Liverpool. Is there any chance you could do me a discount code for such a large bulk order? I’m thinking at least ten units. I might also start dealing it now it’s at such a premium.

Finally, I appreciate your kind offer to send me some samples, although I fear that this might be filed under the category of ‘buying a new puppy to get over the death of your beloved family pet’. I think the real solution here is to keep making it, even just for me. Failing that, my address is xxxxx.

I’ll be putting a large order in today, so if you can do me a discount for a bulk order, that would be great. I’m still totally gutted though.

yours, undendingly (unlike my tea supply)