Louis XIV horoscope corner.

‘Allo!

Bonjour mes petits.

It is I, your libidinous leige, Louis. It has been a while since I have graced the pixels of Dr. Angel’s blog-age, the wretched mademoiselle! She say “Louis, I am too busy to write my blog” or “Louis, it’s freaking me out that a dead french king keeps texting me” and “louis I will not watch porn with you”. Ah, she is trop ennuyeux! If she didn’t have such a great ass, I think I wouldn’t talk to her, and really the dead bit, is a minor inconvenience.

So what have I been amusing myself with, mes petits? Well, it is been very boring here in Versailles. I decided that we would play a version of ‘come dine with me’ here at court. There was me, your sun-king, Cardinal Richelieu, Cardinal Mazarin and we invited Charles II of Spain (well, I invite he and his jaw-ha ha ha. Louis makes a little joke here as he is the product of excessive interbreeding and therefore disabled. His family really should have put it about a bit, comme Louis, eh?) and also the Holy Roman Emperor, as he always up for a laugh.

I was pretty sure I could win, being God’s representative on Earth. I was sure that mon dieu would see me right. Well, come dine with me was a disaster, mes petits. Charles II couldn’t keep his chin out of the food. When we found the Holy Roman Emperor’s handcuffs in his bedroom and Mazarin handcuffed me to the bedstead, sadly, the HRE did not find this amusant and ex communicated me from the Catholic Church-AGAIN. He always doing that. I mean, he is okay if we are all laughing at his bon-mots but if court laughs at him, he freakin ex communicates one of us. Last time, he ex communicated Anne of Austria because she accused him of ‘cutting le fromage’ in court. It took her two weeks to get him to change his mind, and it was only after she plied him with beaucoup de jagerbombs. The HRE loves a jagerbomb.

Anyway, mes petits, here is your horoscope.

Juan the Crab

Over the next month you will experience a range of emotions. At times you might feel really happy. Other times, you will know the dark recesses of the human condition. You may feel like this for a short time, or slightly, or considerably longer than that.

At times, you will need to forage for food. This will help you satiate your appetite. Venus rising in Scorpio means that you will not go hungry and you will probably buy some potatoes.

This month, friends will talk to you. But not constantly. There will be times they won’t be talking. Some times you will find yourself talking back. It will be a most unprecedented month.

Ring my horoscope line to hear about what potatoes you will eat this month.

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Back from the hinterland

Hello Shedders,

Remember me? Yes, I’m your leader.

I’ve been away. I can’ tell you where I’ve been, what I’ve done or who I’ve done it with, as I need to keep you safe. Very safe. Safe as Jason Statham. Safe like some bloke called Giles I met at a party when I was 15 who was trying to get off with my sister. So, suffice to say, I can’t tell you any more than where I’ve been has made me 3 times more benevolent, one and a half times more intelligent and .34 more sexy. Yes.

How can you distinguish when someone has become .34 of being more sexy? Well, by its very nature, it’s subtle. I’d say it’s the difference between 49 shades of grey and 50 shades of shit.

Are those undeclared avocados? I could see my dog sniffing at your pints pocket.

Anyway, expect to see a bit more of me this week, as becoming .34 more sexy has meant I’ve become half as healthy as I usually am, so I need to recover at home.

How the devil have you all been?