A real letter to a very real and harrowing situation. I’ll let you know when they respond.
Dear Tetley Tea Folk (probably Gaffer, I assume he’s in charge)
I absolutely love with a roaring passion your earl grey & vanilla tea. I’ve been there through all the packaging changes with unwavering faithfulness. So, as you can see, I’m not a shallow person. My partner actually thinks I’m addicted to it as I get really angry when it’s run out, but I have only stolen once to get money for it, so I really don’t think that constitutes an addiction, but I will let you know whether it turns that way.
However, yesterday I opened a packet of EG&V and made myself a refreshing brew after a ‘hard days yakka’ as Alf Stewart might have put it. I put the amber liquid to my lips expecting my usual hit of the ‘unique soothing appeal’ to find it was normal tea. Yes normal tea. I raced into the kitchen on my racer and smelt all the tea bags…surely this was just an anomaly…a rogue teabag wanting to mix with the elite EG&V…no. It was all normal tea. At this point, my partner is laughing his head off at my total despair as I scrabble through the fifty bags like a junkie desperate for my next hit.
No matter, I thought. Luckily I had stocked up in Morrisons (the only place where you can buy it incidentally, you should rectify that, Gaffer) as I go through a box a week. I opened the other box, thanking the lord for my foresight. Despair was squared and maybe even, cubed as I realised that, horror of horrors, that the box was also NORMAL TEA.
Well Gaffer, if my mum and dad could have heard the expletives that bellowed forth from my desperate frame, they would have disowned me on the spot. Oh Gaffer, I cursed Tetley. I know, it’s total heresy. I do love you guys really. Please find enclosed in this ‘jiffy bag’ the offending articles in the hope that you can make everything right, and soon I will be enjoying my deliciously indulgent tea with a unique soothing appeal.