Some Eagle the Eagle Edwards eyed Shedders may have spotted via the giftage of Twitter and this here blog, that I wrote to Tetley after the abomination of finding my usual brew of earl grey and Vanilla was infact the prole beverage ‘normal tea’. Well nothing as lowly as that can pass my lips, so I wrote a very strongly worded letter. You can see it here.
Well, boil my shingled feet, Tetley wrote back. I was thouroughly heartend to see that they didn’t really take my lette eriously and they wrote back a reply much in the same vein, demonstrating a sense of humour (although admittedly, I’m sure we will be waiting some while for their Edinburgh Fringe Show) and also enclosing SIX POUNDS of vouchers. Therefore profit for Sheds equals four pounds! Four pounds for writing a load of nonsense that got recycled for my blog. That’s a win in my book. And my book is full of champions.
Here is the said reply (names have been changed to protect the sexy).
Dear Dr. Angel
Thank you for returning some Tetley Earl Grey and Vanilla tea bags to us for investigation and I’m sorry we drove you to such naughtyness!
At Tetley we’re proud of out high quality products and we try to make sure they reach you in perfect condition every time. We always appreciate feedback-it’s how we check out products and our standards. Our tea blending team have taste tested the tea bags you returned. Unfortunately, they found that the levels of bergamot and vanilla were below standard for this product and have escaped out usual quality procedures. Gaffer has had a word with Sydney and we’ve been assured he won’t do it again!
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us and I enclose £6.00 in vouchers with compliments. If there is anything I can help you with, please call on FREEPHONE 0800 387227 or e-mail via http://www.tetley.co.uk/contact.
Consumer Services Executive
A real letter to a very real and harrowing situation. I’ll let you know when they respond.
Dear Tetley Tea Folk (probably Gaffer, I assume he’s in charge)
I absolutely love with a roaring passion your earl grey & vanilla tea. I’ve been there through all the packaging changes with unwavering faithfulness. So, as you can see, I’m not a shallow person. My partner actually thinks I’m addicted to it as I get really angry when it’s run out, but I have only stolen once to get money for it, so I really don’t think that constitutes an addiction, but I will let you know whether it turns that way.
However, yesterday I opened a packet of EG&V and made myself a refreshing brew after a ‘hard days yakka’ as Alf Stewart might have put it. I put the amber liquid to my lips expecting my usual hit of the ‘unique soothing appeal’ to find it was normal tea. Yes normal tea. I raced into the kitchen on my racer and smelt all the tea bags…surely this was just an anomaly…a rogue teabag wanting to mix with the elite EG&V…no. It was all normal tea. At this point, my partner is laughing his head off at my total despair as I scrabble through the fifty bags like a junkie desperate for my next hit.
No matter, I thought. Luckily I had stocked up in Morrisons (the only place where you can buy it incidentally, you should rectify that, Gaffer) as I go through a box a week. I opened the other box, thanking the lord for my foresight. Despair was squared and maybe even, cubed as I realised that, horror of horrors, that the box was also NORMAL TEA.
Well Gaffer, if my mum and dad could have heard the expletives that bellowed forth from my desperate frame, they would have disowned me on the spot. Oh Gaffer, I cursed Tetley. I know, it’s total heresy. I do love you guys really. Please find enclosed in this ‘jiffy bag’ the offending articles in the hope that you can make everything right, and soon I will be enjoying my deliciously indulgent tea with a unique soothing appeal.
he: we’ve been dating for 9 weeks now, and I thought by now our relationship would have gone further
She: er, well no.
he: FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME STAY THE NIGHT
She: Er, no. I don’t think I want to see you again. You shouldn’t really shout such things in the middle of Macdonalds.
he: I thought we could BUILD A FUTURE TOGETHER!
She: I think it’s time for me to go home.
Creepy bloke drives woman home. She stands on the doorstep saying goodbye.
She: well, I guess this is bye then.
He: Ok, see you later
He drives off in his stupid audi. He then returns 5 minutes later and starts hammering on the door.
She: What are you doing?
he: Can I come in for a cuddle?
She: No. See you later. Bye.