A Hazard of Parsnips new Chapter *

Sherby 57: This is an exciting day for all of us. It has been far too long since the previous chapters of this epic story were published (read the previous entries, here). This delay has nothing to do with laziness. You may notice that this is a new version of chapter 8. The original chapter had to be erased due to some legal wranglings. I don’t want to go into details, I’m sure you all followed the court case. Anyway, please enjoy this wonderful, disturbing continuation of the world’s most beloved of tales.

Meow Meow,

Ja. It is me. I’m your worst nightmare. Or maybe your most erotic fantasy. It’s difficult to tell at this point.

I’m sat here cleaning myself with my tongue. Oh ja, it is very, very bristly. It kinda tickles. I’m sat in my lair, wouldn’t you like to know what it is called, Mr Policeman (if that is your real name). Oh, but I am not being so stupid as to reveal its name at this early point in the plot. I like to tease you, like a feather on a piece of string. Oooooh, ja.

So, why am I writing this letter to you? Because I like to play, baby-man. I love to play. And scratch. But I am disgressing, ja? I am thinking that it is most unresponsible for you not to be taking this letter with the utmost of seriousnesses. Am I not making myself too clear? Gut.

Maybe you are missing someone? I think that you are missing a man, so much that it is making your puny human hearts bleed with sorrow. Am I getting accurate with my proposal? You better believe it, brudder.

This is now true: I have encaptured your ‘main man’, this ‘Clarence of Crappers’. I am wholly responsible for this adventure, and I will not see those parties who are not involved being given credit for my daring deeds. This will not suffice. Your Lord Dennis is a mere amateur when it comes to the twin poodles of naughtiness. I am their master.

I am thinking that maybe you are not of the persuasion to be of believing little old me. Well, if it is evidence you require, I am happy to oblige. Please immediately upend the accompanying envelope. Danke. Now, have a little look as to what has fallen out. Oooh, ja. I can almost see your looks of bepuzzlement and it is making me feel so hot and naughty. Ja, it is true. That is one of Clarence’s eyelash parasites. I know he is kinda tiny, but I am sure you can recognise him by the pungent smell of over-ripe cauliflower. Oh, how I can see you sniffing, in my mind’s eye. It makes me tired. So very tired.

Anyways. You must try your best to catch me, dear copper. You will not succeed. I am far too wily and wiry. You can throw the best policemens in the world at this issue, but you will never discover my secretest of hide-outs. I dare you.

I’ll be see you very soon,

Someone very naughty.

Advertisements

Louis xiv Horoscope corner part quatre

Yo yo, mes salopes!

It is I, King Louis XIV! Oh you sexy fools, you thought I was un rapper Americain avec my disrespectful mots pour les dammes. Je suis desole if I cause your noggins to be mashed avec Sexy Louis’ aggressive mais arousing using of language. It ‘as been a tres trying time for poor Louis in the Palace of Versailles. Cardinal Mazarin he ‘as become obsessed avec ‘Les X Facteur’ and we ‘av all been forced to watch. Me, my shit-tete brother, le Dauphin, all les royal bastards ( mes childers illegitimate) et my wife. Oh I can’t remember the silly bitch’s name. Hapsburg Jaw or something. Alors, Mazarin, he is a big fan of the little baggy trousered girl, who av not been eating her ‘orse burgers and snail ice cream, Cher. Mazarin he ‘as been drawing musical notes on ‘is ‘and like Cher to try to copy. Sadly, Mazarin ‘ee could not master a Treble Clef, and everyone thought ee had drawn Clippit, the microsoft office assistant on his big, fat spade like hand. Oh Mazarin! It reminded Louis of when ee go see Brother Beyond at Liverpool Empire. Oh, such fun. They were ably supported by hot gay lords ‘Seven’ who were not ever famous, mes oh, they commanded the stage. Louis, got ‘is hand signed by Keith from Seven as he clearly wanted to kiss the sun king’s hand. Oh, I nearly let him!

Alors, because I ‘av been danser dans le living room to ”ard knock life’ et ‘soulja boy’ I ‘ave began talkin comme les sexy gangsta like Akon, Shabba Ranks ou Simon Webb. I’m trying to find the words to describe ‘er without being disrepectful..ooh she’s une sexy BITCH. She’s a SEXY BITCH!

Ooh, Quel Dommage, I don’t know what ‘as got into me. Now I must away and try and knock this aggressive gangsta out of myself so I can get back to being sexy, sensitive Louis. I may go invade another country or persecute some protestants. Here is this month’s horocsope, you sexy beetches.

Leo the Walrus

This month expect to wear some clothes. A chance encounter could see you buying something from a shop. A stranger may ignore you and you may or may not notice. Someone close to you is looking at your arse. Your pants have gone up your bum.

Phone my horoscope line to find out why money is running through your fingers 

0889 69 69 threesome

 

Volunteering

Some bloke sang about dolphins making him cry. It’s not Dolphins that make me cry it’s older people. Especially now all my grandparents have died in the last few years, which I’m still incredibly sad about.

Many moons ago as part of my training I worked with older adults and was saddened and enraged by the way they are treated like second class citizens. Treatment choices that may be available to young people just wouldn’t be offered and attitudes of staff member in hospitals to older adults with dementia often had me crying in the journal library where no one went.

So when I finished training, I was drawn to working with children just because I seemed to have more of a skill in that area, but I never forgot the impact that working with older adults had on me. Their gratitude when you went to see them, their politeness, their warmth and their frailty on some occasions. Doing this type of work left a indelible mark on me.

As some of you who follow me on twitter will know, the recent Age UK ads with Sir Ian McKellen on never fail to make me bawl it. He’s speaking in the voice of a lonely older lady who can’t do much because of her arthritis. It moved me so much that today I picked up the phone and offered to volunteer for my local Age UK. There’s a massive range of volunteering opportunities http://www.ageuk.org.uk/get-involved/volunteer/volunteer-in-your-community/ from helping out in a local day centre doing things like serving meals, giving manicures (a particular talent of mine)to teaching older adults how to use IT, which can be a real life line, to being a befriender and visiting lonely people who can’t get out much to collecting or working in charity shops. I prefer to work at the ‘front line’ face to face with the people I want to help.

Please visit the website and think about helping older adults. Think about how you’d like your parents (and eventually YOU) to be treated when you get older. These people have given so much to our country and suffer from going hungry in hospital, being dehydrated in care homes, given not very nice treatment in state carehomes and sometimes treated with a lack of dignity.

I know this is a bit of a depature from my usual brand of nonsense, but this is something that’s really close to my heart.

A special mention goes to shadowsans on Twitter who has just now made some enquiries to volunteer. What a good man.

We can all really make a difference to someone.

My Perfect Man

Blog Amigo, Mr Shev ‘tagged’ me. If this was a playground, I would be ‘it’ and you would all probably be singing a song about me having a disease or something. Happily for me, this is the internet and it means something to do with virtual fun.

This means that I have to write a blog on the same topic as other tagees. The topic is ‘The Perfect Man’.

God, I’ve been racking my brains all day. All I keep thinking is “Vic Reeves circa 1991” when he was all raven haired, white suited and pointy booted, but that doesn’t make for much of a blog post.

What about real life? It’s hard to think about a perfect man as I find imperfections and flaws more of a draw than perfection. A wonky tooth, a scar, freckled knuckles, an unspecified skin disorder…

I think perfection comes in many forms:

  1. When Drunk: The perfect man is anyone who’ll buy you a bottle of corona and a pizza dripping in midnight cheese and will pay for a taxi home and let you fall asleep on them. They won’t mention the next day that you got up in the middle of the night, drunk, shouted something indecipherable at them about love and then slobbered on the pillow.
  2. When you’ve got back from work: A mute food maker who can convert your negative energy into tasty hot, low-fat (or possibly fat-dissolving), home cooked fayre.
  3. Out shopping: A man with two rails for arms to place heavy coats and dresses for you to try on rather than lug around. He may also have a strapless bra in his pocket. He is desperate to find something in your size rather than sitting outside monsoon downloading apps for his i phone asking “how many more shops do we have to go to?”.
  4. A make up artist: just for everyday. A man who can convert you from smack-head to Kylie Minogue with a few expert flicks of eyeliner. This man will have six sets of arms and hands for simultaneous manicures and pedicures. He will also take your make up off expertly when you come home roaring drunk, and will enjoy your rendition of The Thong Song.
  5. Alternatively, the perfect man when you come home roaring drunk singing ‘the thong song” will be made of an absorbent make up wipe. He will position your pyjamas in a door way so that you stumble into them and end up wearing them.
  6. When you’ve got a problem: a psychologist who can help you understand what dynamics may have been at play in the situation, can help you understand the part you played in a situation and help you realise what factors were out of your control and were unfair. They will gently guide you to a way forward that is good for you and good for the people around you. They won’t watch TV when you tell them about “that bitch at work” and reply “they’re just jealous”. FIN.
  7. In the kitchen: The perfect man will understand you don’t have to cook all the onions you bought in one meal. No. You can use them for several meals.
  8. Housekeeping: Empty things will be THROWN AWAY  then REPLACED. They won’t lie, unloved, crying like a x-factor rejectee in the drawer surrounded by bottles new, shiny and full of product, making them feel inadequate and hollow.
  9. On the couch: He will be only too happy to watch Gok Wan, Coach Trip and Sex and the City. He will not say “what are those old slags up to now?”
  10. Before a Night Out: He will be in RAPTURES at your appearance. You are the most beautiful girl in the world and he won’t be able to tear his eyes away at your gamine euro chic ensemble. He will not look disappointed and say “why don’t you wear a nice tight pair of jeans that show off your arse” or “what happened to your hair” when you have tamed your unruly tousled hair into a beautiful coiff, “I don’t like your hair up”. Alternatively, the perfect man will not sulk when you’re off for a night out with the girls. Nor will he look at your outfit, pull a lip and say “why don’t you wear anything slutty like that when you’re out with me?”.

Ok, now I’m passing the dutchie on the left hand side (most can be found in my blog roll)

  1. Sherby 57. My partner in crime. He’s been taking a break from blogging, but he better write something! If he does it will be touching, surreal and almost certainly, romantic.
  2. Graham at Crow World. He writes a wonderful blog about his life that is laugh out loud funny and sometimes heart wrenchingly poignant. I’m pretty sure he’ll write something…and he has http://graham-crowworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/this-perfect-man.html
  3. The Weekly Argus: He writes a hilarious celebrity blog and draws haunting pictures. He likes a lot of the same music as me. I’m not sure he’ll write anything…I was so wrong, he did and it mentions full body massages and hookers! A big YAY.http://theweeklyargus.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/the-perfect-man/
  4. Not like Paris Hilton. She writes a wonderfully funny blog about her life. She shares her pain for your pleasure. I’m sure she’ll write something…and she says http://notlikeparis.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/the-perfect-man/
  5. Square Red: A well read Red Head. she’s getting into blogging like a good ‘un. I’m sure she’ll reply.
  6. Blogger to be The Dark Mitchell. He’s got a blog, but he’s not put owt on it yet. He’s v. funny on twitter and hopefully this will make him write.. and he did and I nearly bawled it when I read it. Kleenex at the ready…no, not for that, your dirty sloths. http://thedarkmitchell.tumblr.com/post/1368052113/the-perfect-man-a-tagged-blog-challenge
  7. Bashful Blogger Shadowsans. Read him. He thinks he’s not great but HE IS! Read why the bastard son of Tony Benn and Black Francis is his idea of perfection http://shadowsans.blogspot.com/2010/10/perfect-man.html

From the desk of Mr. Harrison Conklin, an e-mail

An ATM Card with Card Number:5428050011004432 have been
approved in your favor by the UNITED NATION,The ATM Card
Value is $315,810.00 USD.Email:swatm002@msnzone.cn

____(e-mail address reads ‘shirley howes’__________

Dear Shirley Howes or whatever your name is, there seems to be some confusion. I remember having a similar confusion round about the age of 14, but it was nothing 5 years of intensive therapy in an oppressive regime couldn’t beat out of me. I can thoroughly recommend the Des Lynam Spade Sanatorium, ask for Doctor Binky Snuggles.
 
I am heartily glad you have approved a card that I never asked for. It felt as if the Gods were shining on me and had patted me smugly on the backside and had offered me a chewie at the local underage disco.
 
Please could you send the card to:
 
Major S. Cam
c/o Victor Ubogu
69 Little Walter Dorman Heights
Diamond Rich Sierra Leone

I await my card. I’ve got a playboy pink hummer I’m just dying to ride around Walter Dorman Heights.