Sherby 57: This is an exciting day for all of us. It has been far too long since the previous chapters of this epic story were published (read the previous entries, here). This delay has nothing to do with laziness. You may notice that this is a new version of chapter 8. The original chapter had to be erased due to some legal wranglings. I don’t want to go into details, I’m sure you all followed the court case. Anyway, please enjoy this wonderful, disturbing continuation of the world’s most beloved of tales.
Ja. It is me. I’m your worst nightmare. Or maybe your most erotic fantasy. It’s difficult to tell at this point.
I’m sat here cleaning myself with my tongue. Oh ja, it is very, very bristly. It kinda tickles. I’m sat in my lair, wouldn’t you like to know what it is called, Mr Policeman (if that is your real name). Oh, but I am not being so stupid as to reveal its name at this early point in the plot. I like to tease you, like a feather on a piece of string. Oooooh, ja.
So, why am I writing this letter to you? Because I like to play, baby-man. I love to play. And scratch. But I am disgressing, ja? I am thinking that it is most unresponsible for you not to be taking this letter with the utmost of seriousnesses. Am I not making myself too clear? Gut.
Maybe you are missing someone? I think that you are missing a man, so much that it is making your puny human hearts bleed with sorrow. Am I getting accurate with my proposal? You better believe it, brudder.
This is now true: I have encaptured your ‘main man’, this ‘Clarence of Crappers’. I am wholly responsible for this adventure, and I will not see those parties who are not involved being given credit for my daring deeds. This will not suffice. Your Lord Dennis is a mere amateur when it comes to the twin poodles of naughtiness. I am their master.
I am thinking that maybe you are not of the persuasion to be of believing little old me. Well, if it is evidence you require, I am happy to oblige. Please immediately upend the accompanying envelope. Danke. Now, have a little look as to what has fallen out. Oooh, ja. I can almost see your looks of bepuzzlement and it is making me feel so hot and naughty. Ja, it is true. That is one of Clarence’s eyelash parasites. I know he is kinda tiny, but I am sure you can recognise him by the pungent smell of over-ripe cauliflower. Oh, how I can see you sniffing, in my mind’s eye. It makes me tired. So very tired.
Anyways. You must try your best to catch me, dear copper. You will not succeed. I am far too wily and wiry. You can throw the best policemens in the world at this issue, but you will never discover my secretest of hide-outs. I dare you.
I’ll be see you very soon,
Someone very naughty.