Kowalksi Facts

This list of Kowalksi facts was compiled by sherby57 and I when we were out clubbing in P-Diddy’s flying nightclub in Widnes. There is enough gas in the air in widnes (chemical composition: 67% turnipium, 4% powergen and 99% liquid eyeliner) to keep this nightclub aloft, which is constructed from gravel, lead and the portable telephone from lethal weapon).

  • Kowalski assumes all english people can talk to spaniels.
  • At home, he crawls between rooms.
  • He had a crush on Helen Daniels, even though he’s never seen neighbours.
  • He is a post-modern cop and questions suspects from a point of curiosity and then ignores what they say.
  • He once had a wife, but one day he woke up and realised she was a crude sketch.
  • He loves Jilly Cooper novels as they are full of ‘romping’.
  • he has always wanted a open fire so when he lays on his bunk he makes log noises.
  • he once has a vacations where he met Ringo Starr who wouldn’t do the thomas the tank engine voice. He would accept a small replica in his top pocket.
  • His father used to make him act out episodes of Friends in order to impress local gangsters, and it’s from this that he developed his hatred of organised crime.
  • His apartment smells of sighs
  • he doesn’t have a notebook like a traditional detective. He writes in a panini sticker album from 1986.
  • he loves french cookery but refuses to use garlic as it’s ‘satanic’
  • he wears ‘white musk’ by the body shop as it reminds him of ‘sexy glands’
  • he doesn’t realise his sheer animal magnetism, especially to men.
  • he always dunks his donut twice, to be thourough.
  • he has an ear wax problem caused by incessant listening.

7 thoughts on “Kowalksi Facts

  1. Jeez, these are amazing facts. I feel quite confident that I would still think that even if I hadn’t helped write them. That Kowalski is so bloody powerful and sexy that I sometimes call him powexy. I’m hoping to have this word in the next edition of the OED. The definition will simply be a line drawing of Kowalski mid-primal scream with a droplet of his sweat falling onto the back of a hamster.

    P.s.

    I’ll never forget that night we spent P Diddy’s flying nightclub. The music was loud and the engines were noisier. Crazy days. Let’s hope that it comes back soon. I believe that it’s currently somewhere over Düsseldorf.

  2. Ah those halcyon days when we would sit by the bar and sip ‘raw scouser’ cocktails. It was a sad day when the nightclub was forced to move over German airspace due to the way Katy Perry pronounces ‘Dukes’ in ‘California Gurls’.

    • Poor Katy. She’s never been able to pronounce words correctly since she insisted on wearing rubber dresses ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Perhaps one day she will revert to fabric clothing and her speech will be rehabilitated. Then, like a starling from the ashes, the flying nightclub will return triumphantly to the Halton region. On that day, we will resume our positions in the VIP section and share a joke and a ‘Rainford Rumbler’ cocktail with none other than the P-Didster himself.

  3. rumour has it , that P-Diddies flying night club has come aground off the coast of Norway , after Kate Perry inhaled and removed all the gas.
    Kowlaski is investigating as we speak , armed with a donut and a bottle of bourbon , assisted by a brace of playboy bunnies and Ken “diddy2 Dodd

  4. Pingback: P Diddy’s Flying Nightclub « The World of Sherby57

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