Truths

I’ve found a few things out recently. I’d like to share them with you. You may have already seen me writing about this on Twitter. Well done. You’re so flash. Bet you’ve a leather bomber jacket and  a basket ball net on your garage.

  • Facebook is an extended forum for showing off.  Why stop at showing off about you? Why not extended your showing off potential and show off about your kids (essentially showing off about yourself, as it’s your genes), your wife, how good-looking you are, how much fun you’re having etc! Oh how I wish I was YOU with your kid winning all those races at sports day! CRUEL WORLD! PS. what’s with the friend requests from people you’ve NEVER MET? Even same-sex people? I can understand fellas taking a punt seeing if they can chat you up, but WOMEN asking to be my friend and they don’t know me? I really am speechless.
  • Charity muggers can’t see you if you stay still. I tried this today. I sat right next to two of them and they never bothered me. The town which I work is usually teeming with chuggers, all using dirty tricks to get you to stop. Most loathsome, I saw a girl flirting with some fellas to get them to stop and talk to her. Not a day goes past where some crusty doesn’t try to grapple me to the floor and try to prise £2 out of my wallet and leave my bloodied carcass battered and for the homeless children to sell my organs. Anyway, I have concluded that chuggers are all fitted with motion sensors and it only activates their chugger chip when movement is detected. Think about the scene when Jean-Claude Van Damme gets covered in mud and the predator can’t see him.  Next time you see one, stand still and they’ll look right through you.  

  • If you are a woman and you’re going to a fancy dress party, you must get a ‘sexy’ outfit. in our local fancy dress store there’s a whole wall of ‘sexy trades’. Think of all the jobs you can do in the world, and Aladdin’s cave has a sexy version of it. Sexy policewoman, sexy builder, sexy sailor. You name it, there’s not one job you can’t make sexy. I’m thinking of marketing ‘sexy gas fitter’ and ‘sexy insurance broker’ as next in this long line of slutty apparel.

thhhhhhh…it’s gonna cost you mate. You’re not lookin’ at a one day job here. Gotta rip the whole bloody thing out.

16 thoughts on “Truths

  1. Yeah it seems Facebook is going the way of Myspace and any of the other social network sites before it and becoming a way to stalk people who used to date or show the world how popular you are by having 700+ friends. Seeing that noone actually has 700+ friends they turn to you, the stranger. Least on twitter if someone follows you you dont know, you dont have the obligation to follow them back… yet.

    (btw it was Arnie not Jean Claude in Predator, though I figure you maybe knew that and the joke is soaring high above my head in the clouds.)

    *twoandtwelve – from twitter :D*

    • \O_o_=]8=====D ENGARDE {|}_o_O/

      EPNS, on the rise, etc.

      I try to befriend the Daniel Ritchies on Facebook because together we can form Voltron. They’re the only true strangers I’ll ever subject to the anonymous, “ADD ME LOL!”

      If you say no to the dicksword, I wouldn’t want to be your friend, anyway.

      I’m thinking that Sexy Internet Troll wears nothing, hasn’t showered this week (it’s Thursday), and carries a netbook as her/his only accessory. They also smoke a lot of meth, and don’t need a pocket to carry it in because they’re so used to carrying things in their built-in pocket that they actually forgot how pockets work. Pants pockets confuse them, now. They beg on the street and call it charity activism. Their pimps organize their operations under 501.c.3 in the U.S.

  2. LOL. I could pretend and say it was all an amazing gag, and what a great gagsmithy I am, but no, it was a genuine memory failing, and I only watched it the other day, so I have no excuse.

    What I love about twitter is that it seems to serve a different function. On twitter, I’m totally anonymous (mostly, with a handfull of exceptions) and a forum to try bite sized writing. People follow you because they like what you say, not because they wen’t to primary school with you and haven’t seen you since. Twitter is great because the people here don’t know you and yet want to talk to each other, unlike facebook which is a new way to ignore folk.

    Thanks for visiting. Do keep dropping by.

  3. I haven’t got a leather bomber jacket. I haven’t got a basketball net on my garage wall, mainly because I have a sunken garage and I’d trip over a basketball net if I had one on the wall and I don’t drive anyway my wife does but she parks on the road outside mainly for a quick getaway I think jesus what was on that tissue? It didn’t smell like olbas oil jesus it was dry and crusty was it Arnie I don’t know he was covered in mud the dirty fucker.
    I find if you stop and relieve yourself in the street that’s a good way of getting the chuggers to avoid you. They sometimes remember you next time and avoid you twice. Good value for a pee!

    • My dear darling Graham

      If you haven’t got a leather bomber jacket, a leather bomb will suffice. Doesn’t do much damage, but smells great and it’s so supple and buttery. Brings all the boys to the yard. Which explains the tissue situation.

      Am still waiting for you to update your marvellous blog btw.

      • Well Doctor Angel, I invite you to pop over there and have a look, because I just did that thing that you asked me to. That might explain something to do with tissues too.
        x

  4. chuggers are raised in chugger farms. the chugs are kept isolated and at certain times of the day /night they are put on conveyer belts with cardboard cut-outs of people . they are rewarded, if they approach them, with intraveiniously fed “bliss” ,which makes them feel as if they are with god .
    upon reaching maturity , they are taught to speak and sent out to win breeding rights, they do this by aquirring £ two pound coins from unsuspecting passers bye.
    on the sexy fancy dress issue , do you think there is an opening for a sexy undertaker costume ?

  5. From reading your post, I can’t help but wonder the following: when Loyd Grossman was having a nosy round celebrity houses on ‘Through The Keyhole’, did he spend an inordinate amount of time in the kitchen, rifling through the fridge, looking for inspiration for his delicious range of pasta sauces?

    It’s a well known fact that chuggers are a descendant of Tyrannasaurus Rex and that’s why they can’t see you if you don’t move.

    Is the fact that you’re claiming that it was a genuine mistake that you thought JCVD was in Predator an elaborate joke? It’s hard to tell with you, you’re like a modern day Andy Kaufman, but a girl version.

  6. Fancy dress and Facebook are directly related. They are both vehicles to show off and pretend to be someone different. It’s weird that fancy dress for women is: look like a hooker and fancy dress for men is: look more manly. Maybe we are all suppressing our base motives…

    🙂

    • Yes, male fancy dress themes tend to be warriors, resevoir dogs, ghostbusters although at university there tends to be an a dominant streak of men dressing up as women? Symbolising the freedom and experimentation of those halcyon days?

  7. Never mind all that my girl, are you back from that London yet? (commenting on tweet via here, mainly because of my appalling technical ignorance & incompetence, i.e. I don’t know how most {read:any} of this stuff works).
    I once spent a day in the city in a mixture of fear, dread and longing that I would somehow bump into a person I knew who lived there. It didn’t happen of course, it never does. Nothing ever happens. Nothing.

    • It’s so sweet of you to think of me here in lonely London. So far I’ve nearly been run over by a youth on a cycle who told me to fuck off because I screamed. No sightings of ex so that’s a positive. I am going to write a blog about it soon. Much love x

      • That’s because I am sweet. I’m like a 5’10” lump of fucking nougat, that’s what I am. And I must confess, when I cycle along the nearby estuarial nature reserve cycle path it is very tempting to bellow at gently strolling family groups to fuck off out of the way because they suddenly lose their innocent humanity and become mere obstacles. Occasionally, just occasionally, I surrender to that sweet temptation. Sit on a saddle and feel your personality metamorphose into the Predator, Doc Angel, I beg you to try it just once. That’s me done, I’m off to suck on an everlasting.

  8. Yes, it’s funny you should say that Graham, as the loss of humanity was going to be something i was going to discuss in my forthcoming blog post about London. People DO become “mere obstacles” as you say. The tuts are audible as you struggle with your bag, you ask whether this is the right tube etc.

    You’re the human/nougat equivalent of ayers rock.

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