Time Machine

Sometimes things happen in real life that are more random than even I can make up (yes, I’m sorry, some of this blog IS made-up. I know. Can you countenance it?).

Went for tea at my mum and dad’s tonight and they’d laid a small post it note next to my meal. It read in pencilled capital letters

‘NO THANKS YOUR IMPERIAL BOURBOSITY’

Apparantly I had written it, and it had lay dormant in the lego, that my mum had resurrected when my baby nephew came around. Not sure why. One month olds don’t tend to go for lego, what with not even being to hold up their own heads. The chances that they’ll make a lego sweet shop are marginal.

My sister has a scarily good memory and told my puzzled parents that I had written this divine randomness. It was like a surreal archealogical dig. Instead of soil-lego, and and instead of valuable things, a load of bobbins that I wrote approximately 18 years ago.

Think mum and dad are probably going to frame it.

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Kowalksi Facts

This list of Kowalksi facts was compiled by sherby57 and I when we were out clubbing in P-Diddy’s flying nightclub in Widnes. There is enough gas in the air in widnes (chemical composition: 67% turnipium, 4% powergen and 99% liquid eyeliner) to keep this nightclub aloft, which is constructed from gravel, lead and the portable telephone from lethal weapon).

  • Kowalski assumes all english people can talk to spaniels.
  • At home, he crawls between rooms.
  • He had a crush on Helen Daniels, even though he’s never seen neighbours.
  • He is a post-modern cop and questions suspects from a point of curiosity and then ignores what they say.
  • He once had a wife, but one day he woke up and realised she was a crude sketch.
  • He loves Jilly Cooper novels as they are full of ‘romping’.
  • he has always wanted a open fire so when he lays on his bunk he makes log noises.
  • he once has a vacations where he met Ringo Starr who wouldn’t do the thomas the tank engine voice. He would accept a small replica in his top pocket.
  • His father used to make him act out episodes of Friends in order to impress local gangsters, and it’s from this that he developed his hatred of organised crime.
  • His apartment smells of sighs
  • he doesn’t have a notebook like a traditional detective. He writes in a panini sticker album from 1986.
  • he loves french cookery but refuses to use garlic as it’s ‘satanic’
  • he wears ‘white musk’ by the body shop as it reminds him of ‘sexy glands’
  • he doesn’t realise his sheer animal magnetism, especially to men.
  • he always dunks his donut twice, to be thourough.
  • he has an ear wax problem caused by incessant listening.

Truths

I’ve found a few things out recently. I’d like to share them with you. You may have already seen me writing about this on Twitter. Well done. You’re so flash. Bet you’ve a leather bomber jacket and  a basket ball net on your garage.

  • Facebook is an extended forum for showing off.  Why stop at showing off about you? Why not extended your showing off potential and show off about your kids (essentially showing off about yourself, as it’s your genes), your wife, how good-looking you are, how much fun you’re having etc! Oh how I wish I was YOU with your kid winning all those races at sports day! CRUEL WORLD! PS. what’s with the friend requests from people you’ve NEVER MET? Even same-sex people? I can understand fellas taking a punt seeing if they can chat you up, but WOMEN asking to be my friend and they don’t know me? I really am speechless.
  • Charity muggers can’t see you if you stay still. I tried this today. I sat right next to two of them and they never bothered me. The town which I work is usually teeming with chuggers, all using dirty tricks to get you to stop. Most loathsome, I saw a girl flirting with some fellas to get them to stop and talk to her. Not a day goes past where some crusty doesn’t try to grapple me to the floor and try to prise £2 out of my wallet and leave my bloodied carcass battered and for the homeless children to sell my organs. Anyway, I have concluded that chuggers are all fitted with motion sensors and it only activates their chugger chip when movement is detected. Think about the scene when Jean-Claude Van Damme gets covered in mud and the predator can’t see him.  Next time you see one, stand still and they’ll look right through you.  

  • If you are a woman and you’re going to a fancy dress party, you must get a ‘sexy’ outfit. in our local fancy dress store there’s a whole wall of ‘sexy trades’. Think of all the jobs you can do in the world, and Aladdin’s cave has a sexy version of it. Sexy policewoman, sexy builder, sexy sailor. You name it, there’s not one job you can’t make sexy. I’m thinking of marketing ‘sexy gas fitter’ and ‘sexy insurance broker’ as next in this long line of slutty apparel.

thhhhhhh…it’s gonna cost you mate. You’re not lookin’ at a one day job here. Gotta rip the whole bloody thing out.