Top Tips Part 3

Dear Dr. Angel

I’m really stuck and I don’t know where to turn. I’m a total slag, but I can’t seem to make people realise. I really would love to promote public awareness of my lack of sexual inhibitions, but I can’t seem to get the message through to my partner. I’ve tried snogging girls in nightclubs to get fellas to look at me, but it just doesn’t get that much of a reaction these days as everyone seems to be doing it. Oh Doctor Angel, what can I do?

Amanda, 27, Runcorn

Dear Amanda,

It’s tough being a slag. Not that I know, but I can imagine from watching ‘What Katie did next’ and I’ve gleaned some of this through watching ‘Club Reps’. It can be really frustrating when people don’t let on by, say, propositioning you with a seeded batch or frotting you as you rub yourself up and down a pillar, pretending to be a pole dancer, in Buskers night spot or Sylvester’s night club.

Amanda, the most direct route you can take into promoting public awareness is to put a playboy bunny motif on your Peugeot 206. Also, why not consider wearing either a wrist watch or a belly ring with this motif on it? Playboy motifs have become synonymous with loose morals, and this can’t fail to get your message across. Give a few blowies for cigarettes to really seal the deal.

However, please be aware that a playboy bunny motif DOES NOT make you attractive/kittenish. In fact, if you are remotely unattractive, the motif will only serve to exacerbate this ridiculous juxtaposition.

Hope that helps. Happy slagging.

Dr. Angel

Top Tips Part 2

So you’re in love with your new fella, he’s probably called Terry or Keith or Steveo or Dazza. The love you have for him is bubbling up inside you like a well and you want to express this love. But how?

If you’re like me, you’ve probably thought of expressing it in the form of contemporary dance or by writing it on the inside of your geography exercise book (you may even like to work out the percentage of your love by using an ancient and scientifically verified mathematical formula) but it’s more than likely that you’ve settled on the idea of tattooing your loved one’s name upon your person. What better way is there to express love. I can’t think of any and I’ve tried.

But wait! What happens if the unthinkable occurs? Your loved one’s eye roves and before you know it, Steveo is stepping out with the girl studying childcare at the local college!

Well, fret no longer, save the heartache and literally thousands of pounds in expensive tattoo removal costs, simply write your loved one’s name in biro on your person (it’s probably your arse or chest you were getting tattooed wasn’t it, ‘cos it’s a bit ‘sexy’ isn’t it. Woo).

When the love ends, simply wash the name away. You can write your new lover’s name in biro when you think to ask it the morning after.

WordPress

Dear lovely Livespacers
 
Even though I’ve fond memories of blogging on here, back in the day with Rooser, Ms Naranja Gusset, Clive Sinclair, Yummy Delicious, live spaces just can’t compete with WordPress. Think of live spaces like the Aldi of blogging. You like it, it’s good for some things but the selection and slickness of Tesco is just too beguiling.
 
So, mes petits, please visit my wordpress blog. www.worldofsheds.wordpress.com and book mark it. Visit it every day. Worship it like a god. Kiss it. Send it money. Marry it in some perverted ritual, you sicko.
 
On wordpress you get to
  • choose from some pretty attractive themes, not the cutesy-cutesy or teenage boys ones on here.
  • See where your readers have come from
  • Keep up to date with your reader’s comments
  • Keep up to date with the replies you get from comments on other sites (live spaces is so bad for this)
  • Some pretty great stats functions on which of your posts gets the most views
  • Sigh. Your blog just looks so much more professional and when you return to your live spaces account, you feel like your playing a sega master system.

So please, don’t abandon WoS, but come and visit me in my other home. The site isn’t going, fear not, archive fans.

Other WoS news

Visit me on twitter http://twitter.com/Worldofsheds

Look out for an exciting WoS podcast in the not too distant future. I’m halfway through writing a series with my pal, Sherby57.

Your enduring servant

Angel

Short Plays: Quirky, Tortured Romance

Another thrilling installment of my short plays. This time, I thoroughly explore the genre of the quirky, tortured romance. I think I may have made up this genre, but you know the sort of film. It would probably have that Cera fello in it or that girl from Juno or the fat one from Superbad (noone can accuse me of not doing my research).

I first explored this genre as part of Milk Bottle Manifesto (learn more about it here http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2010/06/03/mbm-team-extreme-squashy-face/ ) a cause championed by my good friend, and writing partner, Sherby57. I was tentatively experimenting with the genre and hit on something quite profound, I’m sure you’ll agree, unless you’re some kind of mental sub-normal.  On bended knees, Sherby implored me, like a man posessed to develop this life changing dialog, and I was compelled to comply, to at least save Sherby’s mental wellbeing.

So here it is. Tissues at the ready.

_____________

 She: I can’t help but love you even though you have a squashy face!
He: Maybe you love me because I have a squashy face.You won’t realise this until you date a normal faced fellow and find yourself missing my haunting visage.
She: OK, I’ll get back to you after that.
He: OK. See you later
FIN