Bad Romance

If you and I wrote a bad romance, what would be in it? I’m sure we could write one. I’ve had enough bad dates to be able to bring a significant amount of ‘research’ to the project.  I reckon if we did have a bad romance, eggs would feature quite heavily in it. The romance would probably start in an abattoir or a tattoo parlour. I’d be getting a packet of tampax tattooed on my upper arm.  I’d felt left out cos everyone in work had a ‘tat’. That’s what you’d call it. A ‘tat’.  That would piss me off immediately.

We’d go for a meal, at a carvery, even though you know I’m vegetarian.  You’d have a wee next to the table. You’d forbid me from saying the word ‘romp’.  You would say it gave you horrific flashbacks from when you saw ‘The boat that Rocked’. You’d have a point, but just mentioning that film would piss me off. Seeing the cover of that film in the video shop ruined my day yesterday. The boat that sucked a big fat dick. At some point in the date you’d probably cry. You’d tell me some long-winded tale about how you got Legionnaire’s disease on holiday in Corfu with your ex-girlfriend. You’d mention her quite a lot and say that she looks like Jennifer Aniston. You’d mention that you had the shits very badly. I’ll imagine you having the shits. The image will haunt me for three and a half months. I was also eating when you mentioned it. You won’t take off your crag hopper anorak throughout the date.

Later on in the romance you’d wear a jump suit. Constantly. You’d say ‘It makes my arse look like J-Lo’. You mean Joe Longthorne. His arse is nearly as amazing as Sisquo’s.  You will let me see your thong and you will also dump like a truck. In view of Lord Rhomboid. You absolute tease. You would cover the walls of my house with painted ‘proverbs’ in italics like ‘There are no strangers, only friends we are yet to meet’ and ‘if you want to drink longer, come earlier or ask for a bigger glass’ and ‘My jeans are very snug around the gentleman’s arena’.

What a bad romance. Perhaps we shouldn’t get off with each other at the local underage disco? Yes, I know you arranged it after Science class, but come on, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be good. I’m sorry, but the boat that rocked is a truly awful film. And I’ve got an appointment for Wayne Carriger to touch my arse at 9.15 at the community centre.

10 thoughts on “Bad Romance

  1. bad dates, bad dates
    there what you hates
    at the underage disco
    dancing with sisquo
    it`s a bad romance
    that`s got you in a trance
    now the boat that rocked
    is surely crocked
    t`aint no rocket science
    yer using the wrong appliance

  2. This is the basis for an amazing romcom. Although you’d probably need to fit in a ghost somewhere.

    Taking a vegetarian to a carvery is a level 9 neg – advanced stuff.

  3. But she wouldn’t be a real ghost, you’d find out that she was just in a coma. I can’t imagine romance without that vital element.

    Sisqo once wore a novelty thong that made his willy look like a parrot.

  4. I heard she wrote a good blog
    I heard she had a style
    So i came to visit
    and read words for a while

    Typing in things on her keyboard
    Pointing at stuff with her mouse
    Killing me softly with her blog
    Killing me softly (one time)
    With her blog (two time)

    My most recent date was with a french girl who laughed hysterically (in French) at the adverts before
    the film began (it wasn’t funny, it was for a Renault Clio) and made comments throughout the film all too loudly and said Zut Alors everytime there was even a hint of nudity (luckily there was none). This was 1986.

    Do you have any good dating tips Doctor?

    • I think I’ve written a blog post about dating tips ages ago. I’ll ressurrect and add to it, just for you.

      Ooh la la! Your mademoiselle sounds tres belle. Why did it turn to merde? Was she too Depardieu pour vous?

  5. Dear Doc.
    I will consider ‘the boat that rocked’ as an atrocity, EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T SEEN IT, NEVER WANTED TO SEE IT AND NEVER WILL SEE IT. How’s that for determination?
    If I wept tears of vimto, would you lick my cheek?

    • I admire your determination. It inspired me to listen to ‘Heavy D and the Boyz’ and then ‘boyz II men’. For some reason out-and-out displays of determination make me listen to soft-rap with the word ‘boyz’ in the band title. It’s an obvious link really. My mother used to make me listen to ‘now that we’ve found love’ when ever she saw me really set my sights on something. It really did interfere with my GCSE revision.

      Of course I’d lick your cheek. I have manners you know!

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