Dr. Angel Replies


Dear Lady Salt

You have indeed arrived on the very door that can affix the nosebag of knowledge to your snout. 

I have entered many a ‘hot body show’ and they are indeed elaborate and complex affairs.  Dare I say, almost a ritual. Hot Body Shows were invented in 1432 by Sir Special K who insisted on guests to his parties wearing red leotards, by which he would judge them on the well known dimensions of: goitre, guttage, truncheon, and haunces.  The Winner would be declared ‘the winner’, then everyone would down some thunderbird and run up and down the stairs, then do a ouijaboard, get freaked out then their mum’s and dad’s pick them up.

Today, few of Sir Special K’s traditions remain other than haunches and goitre. Truncheon and guttage have been replaced by the dimensions of sturdiness and attention seeking. Let me walk you through what you might expect:

You enter the hot body show through the Tuba monster section of Carlisle. Just next to the airport, home of Stobart Air.

You will be carrying a marrow with the words ‘thumbscrews’ implanted into it’s DNA.

The Hot Body Show will take place at ‘Carlisle Mike’s Beard Arena’.  You will enter by the ‘Wandering hand in a Sauna’ Gate.

The first dimension you will be judged on, of course, is haunches. There’s only one way for haunches to be and that’s powerful, like a powerful horse.   You will be asked to rear up, from your normal four legged rested state, onto your hindquarters, and pretend to throw an impertinent Orator off.  The judges will be looking closely for a flourish for your rear, and will be looking for tendons, sinewy. 

Tomorrow, dear Lady Salt, I will tell you about the further dimensions of goitre, sturdiness and attention-seeking.

That boy is in the bag!


9 thoughts on “Dr. Angel Replies

  1. Pingback: Hazard of Parsnips Chapter 7 « Dr. Angel's World of Sheds

  2. Dear Dr Angel
    Dearest Dr, I thank for your letter concerning your proposed visits. I would be most amicable to your suggestion. As some time as now passed perhaps you would be so kind ,as to squeeze in three per week. I realise it would be a tight fit but if you can be flexible, I can be accomadating.
    I have heard that my whoresome “friend” Lady Spinderella is also considering entering the “hot body show”. this to me is betrayal of thrust and an abuse of shapely legs and pert (indeed impertinant) upturned cauliflowers. I feel i must bite the bullet or anything that may be required and tighten the reins that must guide me on the road to hot bodyness.
    Iawait your reply on tenterhooks,the chaise longue and bent over a barrel ( a personal preferance, nothing to do with “hot bodies).

    yours subjectivley Lady Salt of Pepper

  3. Dear Lady Salt of (the pungent) Pepper, it is with much relish and chutney, that i inform you, that i shall be arriving on the 9-31 drain tomorrow A.M . I shall of course bring the neccesary accutrements for training a person of your calibre . As to Lady spindlelegs of the upturned pertness, i tell you ,with no small upswellings ( they get larger by the minute) that she shall not,if i know my mange tout- and by gourd i do, outshine you in the “hot body show”, It is my intention to rigorously attack the stretching,bending( this may well involve a barrel) and tweaking of pert and proudness, Also there will be much tarnishing and buffets of the embellishments ,that none shall overcome the turpentine of your “hotbodyness” and you will come over all . Yours ,engourgedly(with trobbings) Dr Angel p.s if at all possible, a large shed should be put at my disposal. the need for this will become apparent as your training progresses

  4. dear ANGEL , my fingers thrum , my head has hickups and my loins longitudinally lubricate with anticipation. what will the next installment bring us
    and who will do the bringing? i wait with baited artichokes

  5. perhaps the animal in question or indeed in your comment is in fact a moo cow pretending to be a zebra( ref- spike milligan). the moo cow is here seen as the beloved Lady Salt and the crudely painted stripes are the falsely clad intentions of the dastardly Lord Dennis. we may infere from this. that the cowbell( if indeed thre is one ) that hangs from Lady S`s silky but strongly muscled kneck represents the goodliness of Clarence and his attempts to guide Lady Salt along the path to the Milking Shed of the Very Warm Corpus.
    i do this clarifies butter the insights one may gather from nuts in may

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