Cast your mind far far back, to the dirty, filthy, sick and twisted, almost perverted, mists of olde father time. Far, far, back, further, left…no that’s too far, your hand is on it, NO THERE…phew, yes. all the way back to the start of the week when I told you about sexy names. I offered you the unique opportunity to sexify your own moniker, to possibly make you more attractive to the opposite sex/object of your affections.
I have been overwhelmed by the three responses that I have received declaring the excitement of this opportunity. Shadowsans on Twitter was drawn to ‘Porgy Mc Yaya’ but feared for his personal safety as to the heights of excitement this could bring, and whether he could sustain it. My pal, Sherby 57 informed me, via telegram (he’s so modern) that he had been ‘Lord Sexathon Freakington’ but would forced to renounce his peerage as it was deemed ‘too sexy’.
I’m afraid, this position is no stranger to me. You see, Dr. Angel is not my real name. Yes. I know. Really. Sure, I’m a real doctor, but my real name is not Angel. I’m afraid my real name is too sexy to even say out loud. The Angel Institute conducted a series of randomized control trials that revealed that my name being spoken aloud, or even thought silently in someone’s head, is sexy enough to permanently damage the temporal lobes of the hippocamper in the brainium vesicle. You can see the results of this just by watching Hollyoaks. They’ve all been told my name by evil Nick Picard aka Tony. This results in symptoms such as GCSE drama style acting, overemphasis of syllables, over use of stock phrases “at the end of the day” and other hackneyed turns of phrase such as ‘to be fair’ and not to mention ‘fair play’.
You see Gordon Ramsay’s chin? Yeah. Weird isn’t it? Someone wrote my name on a piece of paper and passed it under his chin, much like the playful children’s game with a buttercup, but with heinous and chin wrinkling consequences.
In 1979 the European Court of Human Rights ruled that I was not allowed the human right of retaining my real name. I fought against this, tooth and nail, as you can imagine. The European court then responded by dealing the killer blow of passing the 1979 Right Said Fred convention which stated that any persons who may be too sexy for clothing, or their own name, that it inflicts harm on others, thereby compromising their own human rights, must be renamed a name of the court’s choosing. And so ‘Dr. Angel’ came into being.
Stay safe, report any high levels of sexiness to:
European Court o’ Human Rights
Right Said Fred Department
Sleeveless Shirt Tower