Louis Xiv’s Horoscope Face

Tis I, le Roi de Soleil, come to furnish you with this new feature.  I first became interested in horoscopes after the Frondes stormed my bed chamber as a child.  I thought to myself ‘If only this could have been predicted  by the heavenly bodies, I could have avoided this angry mob storming my bedroom.  Consequently, this may have stopped my hatred for Paris and I could have saved a load of cash from NOT building another frickin’ palace in Versailles”.  Inevitably I turned to star-gazing as one does.  It was either that or the magic 8 ball. 
As we all know there are only 5 star signs: Germoloids the Plumber, Paul the Evil Nurse, Kezzathe Warrior Tart, Scabies and Brian the Cow.  Today’s most prominent star sign is Brian the Cow.  As we know, those born under Brian tend to be stupid beyond comprehension, so they may have some trouble understanding their star sign.  They might like to show this to a gentle and patient relative who has 3 hours to put aside to help them comprehend the vital importance contained herein. You may like to consider the use of visual cues, like a boiled egg with a syringe though it to symbolise the moon, and a Ped-Egg to symbolise the Galaxy known as ‘Bird, the Bailiff from Judge Judy’.
Brian the Cow


Today Neptune rises over Kwik Fit.  This in conjunction with Presto on the cusp of the Co-op in Dalston means that a stranger will remark on your trousers. Favourably.  Saturn aligning with Mutya from the Sugababes’ tattooed neck tells of an argument with your girlfriend over your facebook status.  A smelly bin awaits you on Thursday. 
Scabies is a firey sign characterised by explosive diarrhoea.  Those born under Scabies tend to be of itchy temperament.  Their birthstone is cubic/olympic. 
Watch out, for a wellwisher wishes bad wishes, is a wishywashy way.  Someone will covet thy neighbour’s ox and thy neighour’s ass.  You will register on a free dating wesite where you will be contacted by ‘HOTLATINLUVER4u’.  Lucky you, as he will write completely in text speak and pepper this with emoticons. You will become incensed by the bad dubbing on the Bio Oil advert.  On Friday you will see a red car.
Well, I must be off, I’ve a war to start somewhere and some Huguenots to persecute. 
Until next time, stay Divine!
Your god-king
Louis xoxoxoxo

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