Lessons in Love

As you may remember, pungent shedders, I was dating Heathcliffe from Wuthering Heights for a long time.  Sadly, last year saw the demise of our relationship due to ‘autistic differences’.  We were going in different directions.  Heathcliffe wanted to wring his hands, gnash his teeth and wanted to "silence jabbering tongues with cold steel" and I wanted to ‘roll out barrels’, watch a Spanish chef and a Portuguese waiter get it on over a hot cupboard and ride trilobites to Gawky park to see the Scorpions fart the "wind of change".  So we went our separate ways.  Since then I’ve been thrust into the world of dating.  Yes.  Extensive investigations (reviewing my archives from 2006) have revealed that my perfect date would constitute the following:


A reading from Angel to the Corinthians


"Maybe you can take me on a date to my favourite place in the world. The local park. There we can spend stolen moments drinking ‘White lightning’ and seeing who wets themselves first. Then we can play ‘used condom hopscotch’ as we find somewhere to sit and compare the size of our feet. Yours will be freakishly small and I won’t be able to steal my gaze away. You will find this disconcerting and tell me that I have a turn in my eye (boss eyes) which is both unattractive and off putting: You think I’m looking at a shoe tree over your shoulder.  You will have brought me gifts to entice mine eye.  A tie rack inscribed with the words ‘Bowie hates ideas’ or maybe a Toby jug filled with your own piss. Perhaps even a ice bucket with a horses head as the handle on the lid.  All these will make my eye dance like plastic cracker prizes. 

What say you? Bear in mind that only a fool would pass up this chance."


A lesson for all of us, I think we’ll all agree.  This is how to treat a lady right.  You will probably achieve Level 42 with such a young lady, and receive some ‘Lessons in Love’.  Yes, I know I always say that.

Couple this with my post about ‘The Game’




And you’ll be a modern day Cassanova, probably to the scale of a Welsh heart throb called Gerwyn who likes to fall asleep playing ‘streets of rage’, or maybe to the scale of a metal worker from Barrow who likes to leave the toilet door open while you’re having a romantic meal.  



May your dating be fruitful.


Your pal in all affairs of the heart


Dr. Angel

The Burscough Conspiracy

Now, those of you who know me know that when I’m not writing songs listing the days of the week, and what I’m doing on those days,  I’m assuming my alter ego of Sheds Sheddington, travel writer.  My pal Sherby 57 had uncovered a possible conspiracy about the manufacture of England’s favourite vegetable, the humble yet romantic spud  in his earth shattering post where do spuds come from?  This questions whether spuds are actaully manufactured in Burscough (the Jewel in West Lancashire’s crown).  I was happy to assist in such investigations, as I have an inflated sense of self, and could add the following information about Burscough, knowing it intimately myself:
1. Burscough has a ‘yoof’ problem and has at least 600 youth clubs despite only having a population of 200 people.
2. They train pole dancers in Burscough. The pole dancers are then recruited to Stefan Dennis’ chain of erotic boutiques ‘Slutz Emporia’.
3. Mysterious wagons are seen driving from Burscough to Skelmersdale’s industrial village ‘Pimbo’. Is this where the potato is manufactured?The only way to find out is to join a staffing agency and try and infiltrate the very bowels of Pimbo itself.
I have been literally inundated with faxes, ticker tape and bricks all desperate to know of the village of Burscough (pronounced ‘shoe fayre’) and more Burscough facts.  I rise to the occasion, not unlike 80s pop combo gaylords, Climie Fisher, to furnish you with the following additonal facts.
4.  Burscough is famous for the ‘Bryan Ferry Bar and Grill’ where the speciality dish is artex rostis nestled in a nest of nescafe.
5.  Burscough is the home of dysentry.
6.  Burscough was the place where chaka demus and pliers first met.  They’d gone on a geography field trip to Martin Mere Wetlands Trust to sketch the wildfowl in their wetlands habitat and bonded over a mix up between a 2B pencil and a HB.  Yes, it was as hilarious as it sounds.  Their hit song ‘Tease Me’ is actually about chaka demus leaving both his and pliers Martin Mere membership cards on the sideboard at home, thus not being eligible for their 20% discount.  It caused so much vexation that pliers was forced to knock one out in a camoflaged hide overlooking the greylag geese.
7.  Burscough is latin for ‘don’t walk on the grass kidda, smoke it!’.
8.  Burscough is most famous for showcasing the talents of the integral member of the band 123 Bumming!, vocalist and rhythm guitarist, Iona Tombola.  123 Bumming shot to fame in 1874 with their love song ‘Gentleman’s Arena’ a tender song about grabbing someone’s crotch.  It captured the romantic, idealistic hearts of the nation and reached number 1 in the Ethel Austin charts. 
9.  Burscough has a dandyish elan.
10.  Burscough once turned into a sexy pirate and tatooed a sexy pirate onto it’s own leg.  The effect was like a mirror looking in a mirror and caused a tear in the very fabric of the universe.  Through this very tear, ‘culture beat’, the real mcCoy, Dr. Alban and Haddaway were created as a direct consequence.
11.  Burscough directly corresponds to the equation :  Avon 24 hour on duty deoderant + skin so soft=bra for big girls.
12.  If you were to take Burscough through customs, you would have ‘nothing to declare’, unless you were holding a copy of ‘crop rotation monthly’
13.  In Burscough they favour hostess trolleys over microwaves.
14.  All the women in burscough wear ‘Panache’ by Lentheric or ‘Tweed’.  The men wear ‘Dunhill’ or ‘kouros’.  They beleive these fragrances to have some sort of ‘sexual voodoo’.
15.  Paula Abdul has been manufactured in Burscough since the Great Fire of St. Helen’s in 1795.
16.  Burscough has never been to Brazil, but it has been to Nando’s.
more Burscough facts to follow…or add your own…