Another song

Hola, pungent shed fanciers.
Today I was off work sick.  The central heating broke and I was head hunted for a firm of Industrial Machinery, under the guise of the ‘Angel 2000 series GTi’.  Whilst lamenting my sick status and lack of heat in Angel Towers I was on the msn messenger device talking to my friend Bri.  He asked me what we were going to do this weekend.  So I told him we were going to write a song about chickenpox/shingles ( I have all the best ideas).  He protested for all of 2 seconds and then penned the lines
 
Baby, it’s you who makes me tingle
I’m on fire cos you got shingles
I can see it on your forehead
and I don’t care how far it’s spread
 
and my response was
 
Baby, I hope it’s over your thighs
so i can rub in caaaalamiiiine
 
and now here, I develop this sweet love song of disease
 
chorus
 
you got the pox I got the pox
gonna love you up and down ’til the itching stops
I got the pox we got the pox
I want you so bad, cos you’re a scabby fox
 
I got one scab, and it’s making you hot
I got two scabs and it’s making you rock
three scabs itch and my skins on fire
I can see in your watery eyes, that you’re full of desire
I got the pox and it’s your temperature that’s high
my baby’s down the chemist buying that calamine
 
chorus
 
Rap
 
who could have thought illness could be so emotionally charged?
hand me that lucozade cos I’m feeling parched
I got the duvet on the sofa, come under and spend some time
and we can be watched by Jeremy Kyle
he’s shouting at some dole-ys and in this moment, it’s the best
oh baby, let’s witness the results of the DNA test
baby baby, scratch that itch
but careful not to knock the head of the scabs, cos then you’ll end up with a dent like that kid from my class had in the middle of his head. 
 
FIN
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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‘Tis the Yuletide

and thus it is time for my rage to set in once more as we see the Nicole Kidman Chanel No. 5 ads grace our televisual devices.  I saw it today. It made me want to gnaw off a limb to escape. 
 
"I’m a dancer!  I love to dance!"
 
Kidman exclaims. 
 
If she did the ‘running man’ I think should could have turned that advert around.  She choose actually not to dance, but instead to wear a man’s shirt and just run into some hunky-yet-sensitive-arty-looking man-thang’s arms.  That’s not dancing, Nicole.  Not in anyone’s book.
 
Here are some dances you may like to try over Christmas.  WARNING!  These dances may make you irresistable to the opposite sex.  Angel Industries cautions you as to their usage in enclosed spaces and will take no responsibility for the consequences.
 
  • The Burscough bogle
  • The Body Ripple Bishop
  • The cockroach Granstand
  • The Highbrow Car Valeter
  • The Dreamy Waster
  • Mynah Bird Madness
  • The Internet Date
  • The Persistant Stalker
  • The Economics Teacher who refuses to talk about Economics, Ergonomics or Metrosexuals.

I shall be mostly favouring ‘The Kenny Logan’, but this is only for advanced dancers such as myself.  Do not attempt this move without supervison, a prescription for Fisherman’s friends, an ASBO and a spillage kit. 

Yours ”shakin da booty"

WoS

Angel Art

My pal Sherby 57 has attempted to capture my likeness.  He has very kindly concealed my pox scars and general skew and kurtosis.  The halo he’s got down.  This is a talented man.  Read his blog.  He gives me blog envy.  That’s why I go through his bins. 
 

World of Sheds latest rap

Now about this time of year I like to adopt my rap persona (MC Lizzy Duke) and write a banging rap tune.  You may remember the avid success of ‘Straight outta Swansea’, my DVLA inspired love/rap which scaled the dizzying heights of number 67 in ‘Rap most talked about by Angel and her friends that Angel wrote’ charts. 
 
Now, ecce Romana, at my latest rap inspired by the book about how to pull women called ‘The Game’.  Apparantly all you men folk know about this and have done for years, but ’tis only now us poor women folk are finding out about this treachery.  Every single bloke I know seems to be aware of it.  The basic premise of ‘The Game’ is to make a girl think you’re not arsed and give her some ‘negative compliments’ (negs) to let her know that she’s hot but to undermine her self esteem and make her more vulnerable to lothario advances.  Google it or click The game by wikipedia or some pathetic boot camp fandango.
 
Here are some tips from PUA training on ‘how to make the best of your appearance’

Make the best of your appearance

Here are some ideas:

    • Don’t dress generically, find a stylish fashionable look, use magazine advertisements for ideas. (DR. A:  unless the magazine is ‘Honcho’, but whatever turns you on)
    • Ask a top stylist what the best hair style for you would be.  (Dr. A: probably over your face)
    • Manage your nose hair. 
    • Shape your eyebrows. (Dr. A: Better still, pluck them out and draw them on in green biro) 
    • Get in shape.  (Dr. A: for example, a rhomboid or a dodecahedron)
    • Fix your posture.
    • Would you look better with a tan? 

 

So, don’t dress ‘generically’ you fucking losers.  Yes, you would look better with some sun damage and ‘manage’ your nose hair??  What, like, make sure it’s annual leave is up to date and isn’t going home early on a friday??  ‘

 

Here are some ideas to ‘open’ a conversation with ‘the enemy’ (women) from PUA training:

Here are some ‘good’ example of PUA Openers:

  1. Hey, the word for the day is legs, let’s go back to my place and spread the word
  2. Pardon me miss, I’m drunk, are you cute?
  3. Are those f*ck me eyes or f*ck you eyes?
  4. If I were you, I’d be all over me
  5. Do you have any raisins? No, then how about a date
  6. Is it just you or is it hot in here?
  7. You might be asked to leave soon, you’re making the other women look bad
  8. I’ve got this magic watch that tells me whether you are wearing underwear or not.  Your not.  Oh damn it must be an hour fast.
  9. Anything drugs can do I can do with my tongue
  10. My place. 10 O’clock. Bring a friend

Well there you have it.  What are you waiting for?  Number 9 doesn’t even make sense. 

Read the rap and imagine a rap in manner of Fun Lovin’ Criminals ‘Big Night Out’.  There’s a lesson for all you PUAs (pick up artists) at the end.  Moral and Music-worthy, that’s the world of sheds ethos!  That and always remember your ‘spillage kit’.

 
‘The Game’

Verse 1

 

Got low self esteem so I gots me some tricks
So’s I can walk into bars and pick up chicks
I sees me a girl and I throw her some ‘negs’
"hey girl, nice tits, shame about those legs"
 
Chorus
If love is the drug then I need to score
So I slap her on the ass and I call her a whore
She flicks her hair and she flicks the Vs
But I know later on, she’ll be down on her knees
And it’s all about The Style and it’s all about the Mystery
Dangle that string, make her think she’s history
 
verse 2
Now the ‘negs’ are working and they’re working like a charm
she dances to my tune and tries to prove me wrong
Tell her she’s cold so she shows me she’s warm
Gonna neg this bitch til the breakadawn
Indifference triumphs and she takes me home
I’m the hottest PUA that the world has ever known
 
repeat chorus
 
Verse 3
Now I’m playin the game like the Crown Affair
let her know she’s hot, but she think I don’t care
Now if she’s the cat, I’m the motherfuckin string
This bar, in this moment, i’m the motherfuckin’ king
Now this bitch be too easy, she gave it up to soon
A night of negs and I’m back in her room
What kind of girl does shit like this?
Was it me she liked or did she like The Tricks?
 
Chorus
 
verse 4
Now the victory is hollow so my self esteem is low
Is it me or the tricks? Man, I need to know!
I’m feeling bad, so I need to score
So I’m back in the bar, callin this babe a whore
 
chorus
 
fade until someone punches someone
FIN
 

A Hazard of Parsnips Chapter 4

My wordsmith pal Sherby 57 has now finished oiling his goitre and has ceased frotting to pen the next chapter of the most romantic tale ever known.  Turn off Hollyoaks, and get into ‘a hazard of parnsips’.  This installment reveals a new protagonist to the developing love betwixt Clarence and Lady World of Sheds. 
 
 
I guarantee this latest chapter will have you creating a 67.9 degree angle out of used syringes in order to attract the object of your affections into the toilets in your local park. 

A Hazard of Parsnips Chapter 3

The third installment of the most romantic tale ever known. 
 
Chapter 3
 
Dear Clarance (for ’tis your name!)
 
O happy day that I learn of your name.  i had wondered what the angels would cry when they looked ‘pon your likeness in the heavens.  I had wondered what the norse gods where saying to themselves when they carved you out of balsawood.  And now, I smile, for i too know the name of perfection and it plays upon my lips like urban cookie collective.  How will words ever sound the same once lips have spoken that of which is perfection?  How will ears ever hear correct once they have heard the name of all that is great and good?  Only your name can restore my senses!  That and maybe some beak.  and a quick sniff of poppers.
 
But, my sweet prince, you knowst that i am bethrothed to the Evil lord Stefan of Dennis and we are to be wed infront of the entire cast of Hollyoaks, the wretched swine.  Not even satan himself could have dreamed up a crueller torment than this.  Our union will please my father,  lord Lou of Carpenter who owned the Waterhole by Lassiters Lake once.  Lord Stefan has granted to restore the Waterhole back to his parentage in exchange for my hand in marriage. My father is consumed by his love for the Waterhole and would gladly sell his offspring for such a prize and an overnight stay in Lassiters and a chauffeur ride in ‘Home James’.  Lord Karl of Kennedy is to be Lord Dennis’ best man and he is under strict instructions to rip out your gizzard should you come within one yabbie Creek’s distance of the Wedding, which is to be held at ‘The Loft’ night club, in Chesterville.
 
O my hot consumptive knave, our love is a forbidden one that dare not speak it’s name.  The only way I can console myself is to replay the image of your body popping and doing the caterpillar in your dad’s garage to Run DMC at our last chance meeting.
 
Your doomed love
 
Lady World Of Sheds