Dear sweet smelling world of shed enthusiasts
This not only made me knock one out and rejoice, but it also made me think that, goddammit Jeremy Irons, I can do that too. So please keep your eyes tuned and your buttocks firmly and sweatily clamped for my first perfume review which will be coming shortly, this very night! (But first I have to treat my boils and pustules and clean out Gus the lab rat’s cage. If I don’t, he’ll give me the cold, mute, hostile back of rejection in bed tonight). YES! IT’S FUCKING TRUE! I know most of you haven’t smelt perfume before, apart from on your regular ‘ho’s matalan boob tube, but one day you might find it useful. For those of you in Wigan, perfumes are the things that disguise the smell of dirty houses and chip pan fat. You can buy them in Manchester shopping emporiums or get cheap copies on Costas’ market stall in Kos, just next to the fake Burberry towellettes.
This week’s perfume: L’Eau du Rust
perfume house: Le cadeaux de le doublevaycay
Subtle yet promiscuous, this perfume smells like it could have been shagging your fat mam and all her pox ridden sisters. First, the distinctive opulence of binary fission mingles with the sparkling farcical strain of tuba monsters connected together by a system of strings and pulleys, lifting the senses and tightening your sphincter.
Surprising and velvet soft, the heart of the fragrance unfurls to reveal an original blend of irregular objects and glue sniffers’ sputum. Next an intoxicating bouquet of black bile, yellow bile, blood and phlegm balances the four humours and prevents a visit to the snake in the temple of Asclepion.
Finally, warmed by the skin, the last notes of the fragrance reveal it’s lingering egg nog milky accord. The smell of sawdust on vomit and the open field system merge with knights in white satin to create the feeling you get after a welcome bum intrusion.
A defitnite shag inducer!
World of Shed enthusiasts, please feel free to add your cologne/perfume reviews below so we can all learn from your pearls of knowledge bestowed on our undeserving, porcine heads.