Ow do,

Since I crossed over into th’afterlife, I’ve been suffering the most awful lumbago. You wouldn’t credit it – it’s a shocker.

That is, pretty much, all I wanted to say at this stage.

Yers

K Cobain Esq

________

Dear Kurt

I can thoroughly empathise, suffering from ringworm myself. Nothing aggravates a health condition like passing over to the other side. And I don’t mean ITV 3.

I know that’s all you wanted to say, but do say more. Firstly, because I imagine you live life like a computer game.

Yours, Dr. Angel

http://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/dear-tetley-tea-folk/

Well, boil my shingled feet, Tetley wrote back. I was thouroughly heartend to see that they didn’t really take my lette eriously and they wrote back a reply much in the same vein, demonstrating a sense of humour (although admittedly, I’m sure we will be waiting some while for their Edinburgh Fringe Show) and also enclosing SIX POUNDS of vouchers. Therefore profit for Sheds equals four pounds! Four pounds for writing a load of nonsense that got recycled for my blog. That’s a win in my book. And my book is full of champions.

Here is the said reply (names have been changed to protect the sexy).

___________________________

Dear Dr. Angel

Thank you for returning some Tetley Earl Grey and Vanilla tea bags to us for investigation and I’m sorry we drove you to such naughtyness!

At Tetley we’re proud of out high quality products and we try to make sure they reach you in perfect condition every time. We always appreciate feedback-it’s how we check out products and our standards. Our tea blending team have taste tested the tea bags you returned. Unfortunately, they found that the levels of bergamot and vanilla were below standard for this product and have escaped out usual quality procedures. Gaffer has had a word with Sydney and we’ve been assured he won’t do it again!

Thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us and I enclose £6.00 in vouchers with compliments. If there is anything I can help you with, please call on FREEPHONE 0800 387227 or e-mail via www.tetley.co.uk/contact.

Yours sincerely

Consumer Services Executive

________

Dear Tetley Tea Folk (probably Gaffer, I assume he’s in charge)

I absolutely love with a roaring passion your earl grey & vanilla tea. I’ve been there through all the packaging changes with unwavering faithfulness. So, as you can see, I’m not a shallow person. My partner actually thinks I’m addicted to it as I get really angry when it’s run out, but I have only stolen once to get money for it, so I really don’t think that constitutes an addiction, but I will let you know whether it turns that way.

However, yesterday I opened a packet of EG&V and made myself a refreshing brew after a ‘hard days yakka’ as Alf Stewart might have put it. I put the amber liquid to my lips expecting my usual hit of the ‘unique soothing appeal’ to find it was normal tea. Yes normal tea. I raced into the kitchen on my racer and smelt all the tea bags…surely this was just an anomaly…a rogue teabag wanting to mix with the elite EG&V…no. It was all normal tea. At this point, my partner is laughing his head off at my total despair as I scrabble through the fifty bags like a junkie desperate for my next hit.

No matter, I thought. Luckily I had stocked up in Morrisons (the only place where you can buy it incidentally, you should rectify that, Gaffer) as I go through a box a week. I opened the other box, thanking the lord for my foresight. Despair was squared and maybe even, cubed as I realised that, horror of horrors, that the box was also NORMAL TEA.

Well Gaffer, if my mum and dad could have heard the expletives that bellowed forth from my desperate frame, they would have disowned me on the spot. Oh Gaffer, I cursed Tetley. I know, it’s total heresy. I do love you guys really. Please find enclosed in this ‘jiffy bag’ the offending articles in the hope that you can make everything right, and soon I will be enjoying my deliciously indulgent tea with a unique soothing appeal.

Yours, hopingly

Dr. Angel

She: er, well no.

he: FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME STAY THE NIGHT

She: Er, no. I don’t think I want to see you again. You shouldn’t really shout such things in the middle of Macdonalds.

he: I thought we could BUILD A FUTURE TOGETHER!

She: I think it’s time for me to go home.

Creepy bloke drives woman home. She stands on the doorstep saying goodbye.

She: well, I guess this is bye then.

He: Ok, see you later

He drives off in his stupid audi. He then returns 5 minutes later and starts hammering on the door. 

She: What are you doing?

he: Can I come in for a cuddle?

She: No. See you later. Bye.

I smell sweetly of apricots initially, but don’t be fooled.2 hours later I’ll smell of biscuits crushed into sweaty bisto.

Maybe you’d like to ask our resident astrologer and dead french king, Louis XIV, a question. Be assured I will convey your comments to him.

Him: Oh god (breathy voice) I probably shouldn’t tell you this
She: (leaning in, equally breathy, still staring intently) say it anyway
Him: I find it so hard being this close to you, alone, and not kissing you
She: Oh
He: Do you want to fuck me?
She: No. Sorry.
He: Ok. See you later

http://sherby57.co.uk/2011/02/24/a-hazard-of-parsnips-chapter-17/

Catch up with the whole of Hazard of Parnsips here: http://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/a-hazard-of-parsnips/

If you’re good, we might record it as a podcast so you can listen to it in the car/baffle chamber/bra generator.

Dear Diary

O my head is in such a whirl! I can scarce contain my ebullience. I feel like a rabbit with a balloon! Oh, diary (can I call you Dave?) I hardly know where to start. So many conflicting feelings, so many thrilling, stomach churning thoughts occupy my consciousness, they tumble out like corks out of a tombola.

Dave, the incident room has been full of heavy tension for so long. Kowalski and I have been glowering at each other for many weeks like tigers circling each other, ready to rip out each other’s gizzards. Ever since Kowalski alighted on these shores, I’ve felt him to be watching me like a solemn hawk. Often, I would find myself on the phone, following a promising lead as to the whereabouts of the elusive Crapper, and I would look up from my notebook, to see his fierce amber eyes fixed on me from above the puzzling Panini sticker album (I wonder if he’d swap me a Peter Crouch or A Zooby Zaretta?). I’d look away quickly, feeling a sense of shame, and my stomach would lurch from the threat.

One day, events unfolded in their mundane usual way. Acorah stared at Sam’s arse and pretended to be American when Kowalski was around, Kowalksi spend his usual abnormal amount of time reading the paper with his mouth set in a firm, grim line and I telephoned the wife after some particularly bothersome thoughts that I experienced. She reassured me, as she usually does. What a girl. I might take her home something nice. Maybe a farm store pizza for tea tonight. Might need to grate a bit more cheese onto it. She sometimes complains they’re al bit threadbare, which I don’t necessarily agree with . Then the phone rang. DC Bottle answered, as I was still a bit unsteady. As I looked up from my notepad where I had been sketching Garfield, I noticed the colour had drained from DC Bottle’s normally green face.

“Chief” he quivered, voice breaking slightly as he held out the telephone.

Kowalski was eyeing me, giving me the ups and downs. I felt compelled to deal with this in the most authoritative manner I could muster. Wish I had some brave powder.

“Hello, Detective Inspector Ian Detective Inspector”

A bolshy, yet exultant voice met my name based statement.

“Ian! It’s Eileen! He’s gone! He’s  still alive and he’s escaped!”

I stood up for effect, but it was good news as well, to be fair.

Despite this, a thrill shot through my usually languid, crumpled body as Kowalski looked over at my form. That got your attention, you arrogant Yank. Standing up, I mean. Must try that again.

“OK, OK, slow down” I begged her and her words tumbled out insensibly peppered between delirious laughter and tears of relief. Get the fuck on with it, sister. I’ve got criminals to catch.

“Ian, oh Ian. Clarence has escaped from the Kitty. He’s wrote me a letter, Ian, there’s so many clues my brave, brave stud has left us, we are sure to find this fiend and stop him before he commits any more atrocities on the sturdy of limb and the ferociously virile”

By this point, I’d put the histrionic mare on speaker phone and at this last comment Kowalksi looked decidedly scared. I could tell he was fearing his own personal safety from DNK. Lord Above, did this yank’s arrogance know no bounds, I thought. No. Came the all too forthcoming answer. This also came from my brain as this was very much an internal dialogue. Oh, Dave, I don’t need to tell you. You understand.

“We’ll be straight round” I informed Miss Bilton. I could feel the sickening drop of adrenaline coursing through the rollercoaster of my blood stream. I realised I needed a massive dump. Damn adrenaline.

As I exited the shitter, Kowalski was loitering around the door, like a bad smell around a worse smell.

“I’m comin with you” he growled.

“fine” I snapped, “but we’re taking my car. I ‘aint gettin’ in no Daewoo Matiz”.

Kowalksi looked a bit put out, but nodded his assent. “I’ll drive” he conceded he leaned towards me.  I could feel his hot breath on my moustache, and he looked into my eyes for just too long. I became uncomfortable and wondered what he was doing. His gaze was unwavering and my heart started thudding like some unholy workmen around my wrecked heart. I was frozen, light a moth in the headlights or a rabbit to a flame and I stared back, not daring to move. My head was spinning, I didn’t know whether he was going to headbutt me or grab me by the throat. He must really love thatMatiz.

Then his hand shot into my trouser pocket. I felt sick. What the fuck???

His gaze was steady, he never tore his eyes from mine.

A small gasp escaped from my lips, I surprised myself. What was he going to do in my trouser pocket, and how long was he going to do it for?

“Long enough”, my brain answered back. I silently told it to shut up. Thoughts do tend to be silent Dave, as they are largely internal experiences.

A slow smile spread across Kowalksi’s face as he drew back from me. He threw something sparkling in the air and caught it in his hand. The keys to my Bedford Rascal.

“let’s go” he said

I gingerly followed him, the thud of blood still loud in my ears. I’d have a chance to recover from our alarming encounter on the way to Bilton’s.

The Rascal rocked like a rollercoaster car as Kowalski jumped in. I wrapped my seatbelt around me, and grabbed the bottom of the seat as if to brace myself. Kowalski fired up the Rascal and flew out of he car park. I had to call him back to get back in the van. Sadly, I couldn’t fly. This crazy yank.

When he got in the van, he threw the engine into first gear and screeched away. His command over the back roads of St Helen’s was so surprising for this new Yorker. Despite the many road works and traffic jams, he threw the car down back roads and across cuttings, like a local.

Kowalski thew the Bedford Rascal around the sexy curves of the st. Helen’s countryside. I found myself wondering what it would be like if Kowalski was following my curves as closely.  I bet it feels amazing, like when you got for a wee when you’ve been busting.  The cab of the rascal was close. Closer than Close. Too close for comfort and inevitably Kowalski’s masterful forearm brushed against my aching thigh whilst he ground the gears.  A jolt of wanton electricity shot through my frame and a shot I sly glance at Kowlski’s face. His rugged visage showed no emotion, as usual. I felt totally betrayed by my own emotions, and pictured myself as a gibbering, shaking, wreck. “Compose yourself, Ian. Compose yourself” I chastised myself. I desperately scrabbled for my faculties. Despite being nowhere near a university.

Soon, all to soon we were drawing close to Bilton’s estate.  I couldn’t help but feel both relieved and disappointed simultaneously, anxious that my outward appearance did not reflect the jumble and chaos crashing against my ribs but I yearned for this journey to go on forever,  at full throttle. To watch this man, to feel this… this, frisson.  It was surely an agony of ecstasy. An ecsony.

I couldn’t help but wonder how I would ever sit straight in the driver’s seat ever again feeling the imprint Kowalski’s impudent buttocks had made in the leatherette. The little lady would think it was her lucky day. The last time she had been even approaching ‘lucky’ in the ‘bumpy cuddles’ department was 5 years ago after the Rainford Turnip festival. The smell or cooked turnips is just so arousing, isn’t it Dave?

No sooner had we ground to a halt on Bilton’s gravel , she tumbled out of the door, breathless and gasping. She needed to work on her circus skills, that’s for sure. Stupid girl. She was gurning all over her stupid face and hugging Kowalski with her stupid arms.