Scamming the Scammers: the Army Scam and Reply
21 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in messing with scammers Tags: army, scammers, Chaka Demus, Pliers
Dear Shedders
As you know, I like nothing better than to rake through my junk e mail box looking for scams to wind up when I’m feeling in a particularly devlish mood. Here’s my latest offering From Sherry F. Bales. I presume F stands for ‘Full of shit’
Greetings,
>
> I know you would be surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to
> you proposing a sensitive business transaction of this nature.Apart from
> being surprise you may be skeptical and refuse to reply because based on
> what is happening on the internet world, one has to be very careful
> because a lot of scammers are out there to scam innocent citizens and this
> makes it very difficult for people to believe anything that comes through
> the internet.Most of these scams is about requesting for money to be sent
> to a supposed partner who is usually the originator of the transaction.But
> this is a different case as I will never request for money from you
> neither will you be sending any money to me for any reason.But however,at
> the same time,I must say that I am very uncomfortable sending this message
> to you without knowing if you would misconstrue its importance and
> possibly decides to go public.I would therefore be holding back certain
> information for security reasons until you have found the time to visit
> both the BBC and VOA news websites below to enable you have a historical
> insight into what I intend sharing with you,believing that it would be of
> your desired interest one way or the other.
>
> http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
> http://www.voanews.com/burmese/archive/2003-04/a-2003-04-20-1-1.cfm (VOA
> NEWS)
>
> With the hope that you have visited the above news site,I like to inform
> you that I am one of the privilege US army officers who were involved in
> counting and safe-keeping of the stashed funds reported in the BBC News
> story.I was one of the five officers questioned by military authorities as
> also reported in that news story.My name is Sherry F. Bales,a member of
> the U.S. ARMY USARPAC Medical Team,currently in service disengagement
> process from Iraq.Since the war has just officially ended I would like to
> share some information about my personal experience and the role which I
> played in the pursuit of my career serving under the U.S 1st Armored which
> was at the fore-front of the war in Iraq.
>
> I will be vivid and very explicit in my next message but before I do so I
> will appreciate your sending me an email confirming that you have visited
> the site and that you have understood my intentions.This is to enable us
> discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of your
> understanding,bearing in mind that the essence of this message is strictly
> for mutual benefit for both of us and nothing more.The amount involved is
> very huge but I rather duel more on the issue of your acceptance to
> collaborate with me,your capability,trust,honesty and reliability without
> which we cannot succeed.I do assure you that we both stand to gain
> enormously from the expected collaboration if we both receive the
> cooperation desired for the success of a transaction of this nature.
>
> So for us to commence send me an email confirming that you have visited
> the above news sites and that you have understood my intentions and also
> proving me with just your full names and contact address,your age and
> profession/occupation for consideration to enable me give you more info
> and details.Let us communicate through only email for now with the
> assurance from me that we shall speak on phone when the time comes.I will
> await your thoughts via my email
>
> Thanks and Best Regards
> Sherry F. Bales
Dear Sherry
Imagine my intrigue at receiving your e-mail. I am hearty reassured that you send me your missive saying that you are not requesting money, as, as a humble abbatoir trainee slaughter person, I have only fifty pesetas to my name.
Any business of the army’s is of the utmost intrigue to my febrile mind. When I tell you the following, heartfelt narrative, you will soon be sensible of why. Well, dear, Sherry, as a lady army solider, I’m sure you’ll understand. Once I gave a blowie to a squaddie that I met on a dating sight called ‘plenty of freaks dot com’. Yes, he could only message me in a strange letter-numeral pattwa: “how r u hunni? It’s g8 2 c u”. At first I thought it was prince (the artist formally known as symbol) but when he revealed to me that his name was Seargeant Asscraft, I had a feeling it wasn’t.
Anyway, now I have revealed some sensitive info about myself, I trust you will make me totally sensible of your intentions and my part in this. I can assure you that if you have any handsome squaddies, I would be more than happy to provide my assistance. If they have served in Iraq or Iran, I would be more than happy to pour soothing balms and tinctures on their twisted brows. Maybe an aromatherapy massage. No funny business like. I have an almost blemish free record. I am sure I have assured you of my integrity as a person. It may help you to know I am a person friend of both Chaka Demus AND Pliers.
Dr. Angel
Valentine’s Day Ideas
08 Feb 2012 9 Comments
in Pastimes, Suggestions Tags: horlicks, love, object of your affections, partner, powder, Romance, Valentine's day
Oooh, Grab a spoon love!
Here at World of Sheds, we’re the romantic sort. The sort that thinks nothing of popping to aldi and buying a bottle of Toro Loco and a packet of multi grain bakes to treat the object of her affections. Yes, I know, it’s dizzyingly romantic. Imagine. Just imagine if YOU were my gentleman friend! I’d say all manner or erotic things in your ear like ‘occipital lobes’. Grr!
Anyway, to that end, I thought I’d share with you some ideas for a romantic night in with the object of your affections. Shh. Before you say it. I know. I get it. It’s me isn’t it? I’m the object of your affections. Sadly, I can’t spend the night with all of you this valentine’s day. For a start, I’ve work the next day and I’ve a nasty rash, so I’ll just try and get round as many of you as possible. Make sure you have a moonpig valentine’s card ready and some dustsheets. You might think of covering all the electricals also, as I’m not insured for my ‘practices’.
Anyway, on to the romantic night ideas, just in case you’re spending it with a lesser mortal.
Right guys, it’s a truth universally acknowledged that women love things that come in powder form. It’s obvious really. You’d have to be some sort of flat faced nazi to not know really. Is that how you want me to think of you?
So, when your lady comes home from work, why not treat her to a beautiful big bowl of dry Horlicks powder and watch her tuck in with glee. Feel those sensual shivers down your spine as you watch the dry powder get all claggy in her mouth. Then for the main course, it’s a bowl of Bird’s custard powder. She’ll know you love her. Sadly, she won’t be able to say “thank you darling!” as her saliva is completely dried up and sticking her molars together. I know, it’s turning you on just thinking about it. Just remember, girls love napkins folded in the shape of crude vaginas. Pop some wasasbi nuts in there too.
Hey. Skip dessert. Go on. By now you are both feeling as sensual as a pair of elephant seals on the coast, lead her by the hand to the groping chamber vestibule and lick lines of icing sugar off each other. If you’re role playing, pretend it’s naughty drugs! Imagine!
By this time, the chairs will be piling up downstairs and the appliances will all be feeling pretty disappointed, as is always the case on a valentine’s night. You’ve both really pushed the envelope. You’ve never felt so wrong with your powder based exploits. You naughty pair! Then, you wonder the eternal question. Would it be taking too far and ruin the mood if you gave her a spoonful of Nescafe? Other blokes girlfriends do it, and all the women’s magazines tell women it’s OK to try it and all the sisters are doing. Maybe just get her to try a couple of grains to see whether she’d like it. Let’s face it guys, she’d eat the coffee granules if she loved you right?
Enjoy yourselves.
the love doctor Angel.
Kurt Cobain
01 Nov 2011 4 Comments
Thanks to Kurt Cobain who emailed me via the ‘Contact me’ form:
Ow do,
Since I crossed over into th’afterlife, I’ve been suffering the most awful lumbago. You wouldn’t credit it – it’s a shocker.
That is, pretty much, all I wanted to say at this stage.
Yers
K Cobain Esq
________
Dear Kurt
I can thoroughly empathise, suffering from ringworm myself. Nothing aggravates a health condition like passing over to the other side. And I don’t mean ITV 3.
I know that’s all you wanted to say, but do say more. Firstly, because I imagine you live life like a computer game.
Yours, Dr. Angel
The Tea Folk Reply
19 Aug 2011 4 Comments
in Food and drink, Uncategorized Tags: Earl Grey and Vanilla, gaffer, Sydney, Teafolk, Tetley, Twitter, vouchers
Some Eagle the Eagle Edwards eyed Shedders may have spotted via the giftage of Twitter and this here blog, that I wrote to Tetley after the abomination of finding my usual brew of earl grey and Vanilla was infact the prole beverage ‘normal tea’. Well nothing as lowly as that can pass my lips, so I wrote a very strongly worded letter. You can see it here.
http://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/dear-tetley-tea-folk/
Well, boil my shingled feet, Tetley wrote back. I was thouroughly heartend to see that they didn’t really take my lette eriously and they wrote back a reply much in the same vein, demonstrating a sense of humour (although admittedly, I’m sure we will be waiting some while for their Edinburgh Fringe Show) and also enclosing SIX POUNDS of vouchers. Therefore profit for Sheds equals four pounds! Four pounds for writing a load of nonsense that got recycled for my blog. That’s a win in my book. And my book is full of champions.
Here is the said reply (names have been changed to protect the sexy).
___________________________
Dear Dr. Angel
Thank you for returning some Tetley Earl Grey and Vanilla tea bags to us for investigation and I’m sorry we drove you to such naughtyness!
At Tetley we’re proud of out high quality products and we try to make sure they reach you in perfect condition every time. We always appreciate feedback-it’s how we check out products and our standards. Our tea blending team have taste tested the tea bags you returned. Unfortunately, they found that the levels of bergamot and vanilla were below standard for this product and have escaped out usual quality procedures. Gaffer has had a word with Sydney and we’ve been assured he won’t do it again!
Thank you for taking the time and trouble to contact us and I enclose £6.00 in vouchers with compliments. If there is anything I can help you with, please call on FREEPHONE 0800 387227 or e-mail via www.tetley.co.uk/contact.
Yours sincerely
Consumer Services Executive
Dear Tetley Tea folk…
04 Aug 2011 4 Comments
in Food and drink Tags: Earl Grey and Vanilla, Teafolk, Tetley
A real letter to a very real and harrowing situation. I’ll let you know when they respond.
________
Dear Tetley Tea Folk (probably Gaffer, I assume he’s in charge)
I absolutely love with a roaring passion your earl grey & vanilla tea. I’ve been there through all the packaging changes with unwavering faithfulness. So, as you can see, I’m not a shallow person. My partner actually thinks I’m addicted to it as I get really angry when it’s run out, but I have only stolen once to get money for it, so I really don’t think that constitutes an addiction, but I will let you know whether it turns that way.
However, yesterday I opened a packet of EG&V and made myself a refreshing brew after a ‘hard days yakka’ as Alf Stewart might have put it. I put the amber liquid to my lips expecting my usual hit of the ‘unique soothing appeal’ to find it was normal tea. Yes normal tea. I raced into the kitchen on my racer and smelt all the tea bags…surely this was just an anomaly…a rogue teabag wanting to mix with the elite EG&V…no. It was all normal tea. At this point, my partner is laughing his head off at my total despair as I scrabble through the fifty bags like a junkie desperate for my next hit.
No matter, I thought. Luckily I had stocked up in Morrisons (the only place where you can buy it incidentally, you should rectify that, Gaffer) as I go through a box a week. I opened the other box, thanking the lord for my foresight. Despair was squared and maybe even, cubed as I realised that, horror of horrors, that the box was also NORMAL TEA.
Well Gaffer, if my mum and dad could have heard the expletives that bellowed forth from my desperate frame, they would have disowned me on the spot. Oh Gaffer, I cursed Tetley. I know, it’s total heresy. I do love you guys really. Please find enclosed in this ‘jiffy bag’ the offending articles in the hope that you can make everything right, and soon I will be enjoying my deliciously indulgent tea with a unique soothing appeal.
Yours, hopingly
Dr. Angel
Short Play. Creepy Lover
03 Aug 2011 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: bad romance, creepy bloke, short plays
he: we’ve been dating for 9 weeks now, and I thought by now our relationship would have gone further
She: er, well no.
he: FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME STAY THE NIGHT
She: Er, no. I don’t think I want to see you again. You shouldn’t really shout such things in the middle of Macdonalds.
he: I thought we could BUILD A FUTURE TOGETHER!
She: I think it’s time for me to go home.
Creepy bloke drives woman home. She stands on the doorstep saying goodbye.
She: well, I guess this is bye then.
He: Ok, see you later
He drives off in his stupid audi. He then returns 5 minutes later and starts hammering on the door.
She: What are you doing?
he: Can I come in for a cuddle?
She: No. See you later. Bye.
Riddle quiz
27 Jul 2011 6 Comments
What am I?
I smell sweetly of apricots initially, but don’t be fooled.2 hours later I’ll smell of biscuits crushed into sweaty bisto.
Contact me (if you like)
30 May 2011 Leave a Comment
A few folks have been requesting my e-mail address, phone number, shoe size and cup measurment (not sure why they’re so interested in my crockery). So, lo! Here is a form by which you can contact me via the power of the interweb. You may like to grill me on the content of my dreams (just don’t ask about last nights-it was disturbing), what bedding I’d like on my bed, what tattoos you should get (answer: the Poundland logo).
Maybe you’d like to ask our resident astrologer and dead french king, Louis XIV, a question. Be assured I will convey your comments to him.
Short Plays: Erotic Drama
23 May 2011 4 Comments
She looks into his chocolate button eyes, mesmerised. She can barely tear her eyes away.
Him: Oh god (breathy voice) I probably shouldn’t tell you this
She: (leaning in, equally breathy, still staring intently) say it anyway
Him: I find it so hard being this close to you, alone, and not kissing you
She: Oh
He: Do you want to fuck me?
She: No. Sorry.
He: Ok. See you later
Hazard of Parsnips, Chapter 17
28 Feb 2011 8 Comments
in Uncategorized Tags: Eileen Bilton, Hazard of Parsnips, Kowalksi, Sherby57
My lord, can it be true! For the love of Lassiters Lake , that devlish wag and heating system behemoth, Sherby57 has written chapter 17 . He wrote it with his brain and possibly his fingers! Dare you read it?
http://sherby57.co.uk/2011/02/24/a-hazard-of-parsnips-chapter-17/
Catch up with the whole of Hazard of Parnsips here: http://worldofsheds.wordpress.com/a-hazard-of-parsnips/
If you’re good, we might record it as a podcast so you can listen to it in the car/baffle chamber/bra generator.
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