My Perfect Man
21 Oct 2010 16 Comments
Blog Amigo, Mr Shev ‘tagged’ me. If this was a playground, I would be ‘it’ and you would all probably be singing a song about me having a disease or something. Happily for me, this is the internet and it means something to do with virtual fun.
This means that I have to write a blog on the same topic as other tagees. The topic is ‘The Perfect Man’.
God, I’ve been racking my brains all day. All I keep thinking is “Vic Reeves circa 1991″ when he was all raven haired, white suited and pointy booted, but that doesn’t make for much of a blog post.
What about real life? It’s hard to think about a perfect man as I find imperfections and flaws more of a draw than perfection. A wonky tooth, a scar, freckled knuckles, an unspecified skin disorder…
I think perfection comes in many forms:
- When Drunk: The perfect man is anyone who’ll buy you a bottle of corona and a pizza dripping in midnight cheese and will pay for a taxi home and let you fall asleep on them. They won’t mention the next day that you got up in the middle of the night, drunk, shouted something indecipherable at them about love and then slobbered on the pillow.
- When you’ve got back from work: A mute food maker who can convert your negative energy into tasty hot, low-fat (or possibly fat-dissolving), home cooked fayre.
- Out shopping: A man with two rails for arms to place heavy coats and dresses for you to try on rather than lug around. He may also have a strapless bra in his pocket. He is desperate to find something in your size rather than sitting outside monsoon downloading apps for his i phone asking “how many more shops do we have to go to?”.
- A make up artist: just for everyday. A man who can convert you from smack-head to Kylie Minogue with a few expert flicks of eyeliner. This man will have six sets of arms and hands for simultaneous manicures and pedicures. He will also take your make up off expertly when you come home roaring drunk, and will enjoy your rendition of The Thong Song.
- Alternatively, the perfect man when you come home roaring drunk singing ‘the thong song” will be made of an absorbent make up wipe. He will position your pyjamas in a door way so that you stumble into them and end up wearing them.
- When you’ve got a problem: a psychologist who can help you understand what dynamics may have been at play in the situation, can help you understand the part you played in a situation and help you realise what factors were out of your control and were unfair. They will gently guide you to a way forward that is good for you and good for the people around you. They won’t watch TV when you tell them about “that bitch at work” and reply “they’re just jealous”. FIN.
- In the kitchen: The perfect man will understand you don’t have to cook all the onions you bought in one meal. No. You can use them for several meals.
- Housekeeping: Empty things will be THROWN AWAY then REPLACED. They won’t lie, unloved, crying like a x-factor rejectee in the drawer surrounded by bottles new, shiny and full of product, making them feel inadequate and hollow.
- On the couch: He will be only too happy to watch Gok Wan, Coach Trip and Sex and the City. He will not say “what are those old slags up to now?”
- Before a Night Out: He will be in RAPTURES at your appearance. You are the most beautiful girl in the world and he won’t be able to tear his eyes away at your gamine euro chic ensemble. He will not look disappointed and say “why don’t you wear a nice tight pair of jeans that show off your arse” or “what happened to your hair” when you have tamed your unruly tousled hair into a beautiful coiff, “I don’t like your hair up”. Alternatively, the perfect man will not sulk when you’re off for a night out with the girls. Nor will he look at your outfit, pull a lip and say “why don’t you wear anything slutty like that when you’re out with me?”.
Ok, now I’m passing the dutchie on the left hand side (most can be found in my blog roll)
- Sherby 57. My partner in crime. He’s been taking a break from blogging, but he better write something! If he does it will be touching, surreal and almost certainly, romantic.
- Graham at Crow World. He writes a wonderful blog about his life that is laugh out loud funny and sometimes heart wrenchingly poignant. I’m pretty sure he’ll write something…and he has http://graham-crowworld.blogspot.com/2010/10/this-perfect-man.html
- The Weekly Argus: He writes a hilarious celebrity blog and draws haunting pictures. He likes a lot of the same music as me. I’m not sure he’ll write anything…I was so wrong, he did and it mentions full body massages and hookers! A big YAY.http://theweeklyargus.wordpress.com/2010/10/25/the-perfect-man/
- Not like Paris Hilton. She writes a wonderfully funny blog about her life. She shares her pain for your pleasure. I’m sure she’ll write something…and she says http://notlikeparis.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/the-perfect-man/
- Square Red: A well read Red Head. she’s getting into blogging like a good ‘un. I’m sure she’ll reply.
- Blogger to be The Dark Mitchell. He’s got a blog, but he’s not put owt on it yet. He’s v. funny on twitter and hopefully this will make him write.. and he did and I nearly bawled it when I read it. Kleenex at the ready…no, not for that, your dirty sloths. http://thedarkmitchell.tumblr.com/post/1368052113/the-perfect-man-a-tagged-blog-challenge
- Bashful Blogger Shadowsans. Read him. He thinks he’s not great but HE IS! Read why the bastard son of Tony Benn and Black Francis is his idea of perfection http://shadowsans.blogspot.com/2010/10/perfect-man.html
Oct 21, 2010 @ 19:21:55
Sounds to me like you should just find someone awfully good looking but not awfully bright who you can train like a labrador – imagine the fun you could have throwing sticks in the park!
Great post!
Oct 21, 2010 @ 19:39:12
Ha ha! Actually I left out that they should be fiercely intelligent and be able to engage me in a variety of conversations such as ‘why hats exist’ and ‘Neo liberal wonky doorways”. I was typing whilst watching Judge Judy so that may offer an explanation as to why this was omitted.
Good looking is over rated. Unless it was a label affixed to me and then it would be alright I guess.
Oct 21, 2010 @ 21:06:16
I don’t know why hats exist. I always watch films from the ’40′s and ’50′s and wondered what happened; at what point did everyone decide that wearing hats was a bad idea? Obviously they keep the rain off your head, but apart from keeping betting slips in…I dunno.
Wonky Doorways that are reprisals of liberalism are fine. It’s finding the doors to fit them…
Oct 21, 2010 @ 20:51:30
It is on. I’m off to consider the options. Probably a hideous composite man with hairy fingers and a twelve inch… Calzone for a head.
Oct 22, 2010 @ 16:13:10
I think you have done a brilliant job here and I know what you mean, Vic Reeves before he porked out was a bit of all right….or what about a Vic, Bob and Me Sandwich (sorry its got a bit hot in here all of a sudden). What about good in bed or is that not that important? or is it sort of goes without saying that you will have two orgasms before he has one etc etc
Oct 25, 2010 @ 18:41:21
Obviously I like a man to be imaginitve in the bed chamber. He must be able to bust some of my favourite positions, such as ‘memory of a pink army’ and ‘the intrepid welshman’ not to mention ‘Karl Marx body-pop-0-tron’.
Oct 22, 2010 @ 20:43:26
Ah now. I took this as a dare, rather like a fat bald white man who came into my shop today wearing one of those horrible brightly coloured Nelson Mandela Afro-tribal vest things with no collar. “Sir!” I ached to tell him. “Please restrain your dress sense and fix a collar to that thong. You’re not Adam Hart-Davis, so don’t try and look like him.” But that would have upset the whole customer/shopkeeper balance and quite probably thrown the entire retail universe into a spin. And anyway it was a thing, not a thong. I’ve blogged, anyway.
ps My wife’s the perfect woman. She’s the first one ever who hasn’t fallen out of bed laughing when I put on my fake blond walrus moustachios and scream “Brace yourself! Here come’s the Psycho Easter Bunny!”
Dr A, where have I been going wrong? I thought women liked a man with a sense of adventure.
Oct 24, 2010 @ 01:03:24
Frankly, I’m a tad insulted that of all the people you tagged, I’m the only one who you don’t think will write anything.
But maybe this is just some sort of reverse psychology to get me to write something because it’s been a while since I’ve made a post. I know you’re probably on the brink of madness from living in a world where I’m not making consistent blog entries.
I’ll make it up to you by writing about “the perfect man.” It shouldn’t be too hard since I have plenty of personal experiences to draw from.
Oct 25, 2010 @ 18:38:16
Purely, my dear Argus, because I didn’t think this sort of thing was your ‘bag’. For a start, there’s no mesh underwear, hobos or full body massages with perfumed lotions. I do have a fat neighbour who shouts at her kids next door.
Oct 25, 2010 @ 21:06:58
Ah, I see. That’s understandable, then.
Strangely enough, my take on the perfect man mentioned nothing about mesh underwear or hobos, though prostitutes and body massages were mentioned.
If you’re curious about the rest of it, I’ve posted it for everyone’s delight!
Oct 25, 2010 @ 21:24:38
and I have, and I loved it. You would be the perfect man if you overused the phrase “at the end of the day” and maybe drank beer in your front garden.~Grrrrrr!
Nov 04, 2010 @ 13:14:07
I was just about to start my attempt at this challenge, but have noticed that everyone has written about their perfect MAN, even the men. I was assured that the rules could be bent to allow me to write about my perfect woman (which was challenging enough as it was), but now I feel that this would be cheating.
Nov 04, 2010 @ 13:47:58
I didn’t cheat… here is my attempt: http://poursomegravyonme.co.uk/2010/11/04/my-perfect-man/